i never met father d till todayaday

jb - I responded to yesterday's post here as an email to you from my friends board, because when I tried to respond here yesterday each time I hit Add Comment, it would not add.  It was locked up in this screen for some reason, but I could send it from my friends board.  Not sure why that was.  It sounds like you have a good priest.  He is right.  We all make mistakes.  And, I can see that so clearly when I look at other people.  They can tell me mistakes they made, and I think, "God still loves you and forgives you."  But, when I make a mistake, especially the mistakes I made with my parents now that they are gone, I think I'm unforgivable.   I don't know why that is - probably some aspect of grief.  But, the priest at my Parish always tells me and tells me and tells me that God forgave me a long time ago and I need to forgive myself.  And, he is so patient - he never gets upset with me for it not sinking in, so I guess God is even more patient than that, so I guess I am forgiven.  I hope my parents forgive me for my mistakes too, but I'm sure they do as I'd forgive them anything, and I'm sure they feel the same way.

it happend agane wen i went to the semtery to check on my mums mum and dads grave and my great uncle h grave i wote aner letter on a ballon to my dad but just as i woz abot to let go it burst in my hand and i saw a bird on my cuzens husbands grave but tht flew away then wen i got home the ldoor woz nocking 3 times i went and nobody woz there and i had another 1 of thm strange dreams last nite were my dad warket in to the living room said sea u later to my cuzen and told her evry thngs gona be ok i no it the minit she going thru a lot of sh@t she is then sat on the sofa looket at me and mum and stared watching tv but the dream felt so real i no it wozen real but it felt real

its to much for mu mum to keep on checking on it so i do it sum thm victorin graves woz a bit sad sean kids die as young as 14 and yunger in 1854

Here is a link to the life of The Buddha that you guys can look at when you have time. I have started practicing Tibetan Buddhist meditation and it's really starting to really help me cope with my beloved father's passing (it's been 5 weeks now).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFbjDcz_CbU

jb - it is amazing that your dad keeps popping those balloons.  I'd say it has happened way too many times now for it to be a coincidence.  He is letting you know he is okay.  He has to be saying he's okay cuz he's being playful.  If he wasn't okay he wouldn't want to be playful.  That is amazing that the knock on the door happened too.  My dad called me on the phone and I think my mom and dad both have been in the room with me at various times but never a knock on the door or anything like that. 

Elaine - I think that was your son.  There was a gentleman on here a while back who lost his son.  He started a website that had pictures of his son, and many of them were orbs.  I can't remember the name of the page right now.  I went on it a lot for a while and have not done it lately, so I can't remember the name.  I think it was like oursonbilly.com or something similar to that.  I just wentt over to checked - it is www.oursonbilly.com.  Check it out.  He came to them in orbs a lot of times.  There is one picture of an orb where you can see Billy in it in a movement almost like he is dancing.  There are pictures of Billy when he was alive on the website, and the shape in that orb is built like him.  It is amazing. 

Cat - thank you for that link.  I'm going to go read it right now.

i thnk yore rite storyas but i love witting letters to my dad i do the ballon eye dear woz a 1 i got from a great cuzen of mine but thn agan shes only 9 thn agane im a big kid at heart to buts its great how thy pop i woz going to take a foto of it before it popet thn let it go in the sky but i didnt hav any more ballons on me my dads molebilefone wang today to get insurence i fort no and switchit off coz my dad stopet bleving in insurense a long time ago he ddint get wot he paid in and tht dream i woz telling u abot him warking in to the room felt great till i woke up

plus why shud the kids hav all the fun and we cant i fogot to tell u on my discusens storyas sum times my dad liket cartoons espesely the flintstones and all the other old cartoons not the 1s these days but the 1s in the 50s and 60s he didnt mind the simpsons he fort homer woz very funy

Cat - the link you sent was a video, and I couldn't listen to it last night without disturbing the family, so I haven't been able to listen to it yet.  I'll let you know what I think when I do.

jb - One is never too old to act like a kid.  I do all the time.  I love pens with lights and animals on them and I love big ear rings that usually teenagers wear.  And your dad must love the balloons because he is communicating with you in a whimsical way with the balloons.  My dad didn't really like cartoons, but once when he was in the hospital he really got into family guy and was watching it and smiling and enjoying it so much, and I still remember the happy look on his face like a little kid watching cartoons on Saturday morning every time I see Family Guy.  I can't hardly watch Family Guy, because I cry.  That memory makes me miss my dad so much.

today i said 1 of my dads funny sayings he used to say im harf right 1 side and harf left the ofer side i thnk sum of his funny sayings r starting to cum out of me now and like a kid storyas i luv thm slush drinks that make yore tung turn al sorts of collors my dad loved ginger bear we took to him to the last time he woz in hospital but on this dirty filthy ward the last word woz sea u tomrowo dad hope u r a bit beter thn we got called out by the time we got ther he had died 

the worst part is if i hadent bean playing war with nurse i wood of had more time to spend with him coz thy wer standing around doing nothing but gosping thet wer going to throw me out tht day but i kept saying my dad needs help all i got if i didnt behave thy wr going to get the plice to throw me out and iv never bean in trubel with the police 

pluss my great cuzen who whites fthngs on bollings dose it on her mums birthday my cuzen my playmate wen we wer kids she dose it on birtdausys and her birthday and mothers day her drath aneversry wish is due nxt month and xmas wot makes t sad woz she died of brain canser just age 36 i often wonder why doae good people n die and suffer why evil get away with thngs i always say i hope i woz a good person in a past life 

jb - I am so sorry about your cousin dying so young and having that anniversary come up while you are grieving your father must be so hard.  I am so sorry about that.  I don't know why some people, especially good people, die so young.  I don't think we will understand until we get to the other side and find out.  I just don't understand it either.  I'm helping a 13 year old girl and going to the hospital to visit her and seeing all of these sick kids and I just thought - Wow, I didn't realize how many sick kids there are.  It really opened my eyes.  I am really sorry your cousin died so young.  36 is very young.  I'm sure you have always been a good person.  I can tell you are a good person from your posts.

You know how you say some of your dad's funny sayings are coming out of you - that is weird cuz some of my dad's personality is coming out in me.  I stand up for myself a lot better than I used to.  I was always a doormat, and my dad never took no junk off any one.  I'm not so much of a doormat now.  I always stand up for myself.  And, my dad loved country music but I didn't really like it that much (except the old bluegrass that is like Irish music).  Now, I listen to country music all the time and love it.  And, after my mom died, I began to realize how my door mat nature was not good for me - I'd get reminders of it all the time, like she was trying to tell me to take better care of myself.

I'm sorry you had problems with the nurses goofing off when they should have been caring for your dad.  I had similar problems.  When I fought for my dad, they treated me bad too.  They called these lawyers who help the elderly on me.  The lawyers came out, investigated and told me I was being a good advocate for my dad but that they saw the nursing home was neglectful and abusive.  They started fighting against the nursing home, and six months later it was shut down.  I bet if the authorities would have gotten involved that is what would have happened with you too - the hospital would have gotten in trouble.  And, because I'd been fighting them so hard for so long, I didn't get much to eat that day.  I have really bad hypoglycemia, so that night my blood sugar was dropping, and I was getting sick.  I started getting impatient with my dad and then had to leave even though he didn't want me to.  I kissed his forehead and told him I loved him and I'd be back first thing in the morning.  I planned to come back at 6AM, but he died at 4:25AM.  So, I never got to see him again.  And, it would not have happened that way had the bad people at the nursing home not pushed my health so far while I tried to protect him.  But, I have never forgiven myself for not being with him when he died.  I cried and cried for months, because he told me he didn't want me to go, but I was getting sick and had to go.  I know how you feel.  It is an awful feeling not to have been with them when they go.  A lot of people told me that most people wait til their family is gone to die, because they don't want their family to see them die.  That didn't make me feel any better.  I don't know why.  I think maybe because I knew that my dad really did want me to stay wit him that night.  I don't think he wanted to die alone.  I will never forgive myself for having left.  But, I will never forgive myself for not having held my mom's hand when she died.  I was paralyzed with fear when my Mom died, because no one that close to me had ever died before.  So, I didn't even hold her hand.  I just sat on the chair next to her bed like a stone statue.  She was almost comatose, but I think she would have still known if I was holding her hand.  It's funny the things we can't forgive ourselves for when someone dies.

i sum times think on my dads side thers a family curse of people of dying of canser his 3 sisters died of canser a lot of his cuzens died of canser our and i woz telling u abot who had brain canser our stevo my dads nefew my cuzen he died of pankrared canserbut i hate to hear kids geting canser 

jb - I'm so sorry you've lost so many people to cancer.  Just the word is scary to hear.  I've had a lot of people die of cancer in my family too, and it just makes the C word scary.  I can understand feeling like there is a curse.  I just hope they find a cure for it or a way to stop it and very very soon.  Let's pray for that. 

I WOZ TARKING TO A FOTO OF MY DAD AND IT FELL OFF THR TABEL IT IS ON I WOZ SAYING WHY CANT U CUM BACK I NO HE CANT I NEVER THORT IT WOOD HURT LIKE THIS WEN MY DAD LOST HIS MUM MY NAN I USED TO CARL HER I CANT REMBER HUTING LIKE THIS I NO I WOZ JUST A KID WEN SHE DIED I NO MUM TOLD ME WEN SHE LOST HER PARENTS IT STILL URTS HER NOW SO I TRY NOT TO UPSET HER BY ASKING 

jb - Hi.  That is a neat experience you had.  I think I'm going to start talking to pictures of my parents and see what happens.  As for how bad it hurts - I know what you mean.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, has hurt like loosing my parents.  I spent so much time with my mom that it almost killed me when I lost her.  Then, a few years later I loose my dad and am going through it again.  Yet, when my grandparents died, I never felt this kind of pain.  I feel so guilty now that I was not there for my parents more when their parents died, because I didn't understand how bad they were hurting, so I just assumed they were okay.  As I look back, I doubt they were.  After my dad's parents died, he spent some time drinking way too much.  He eventually stopped, but it went on for a few years.  And, when my mom's parents died, I can now remember stuff she said that lets me know how bad she was hurting.  I remember that my Grandmother loved to eat.  The day after she died my mom looked at me with this hurt in her eyes and said something about worrying about if my Grandmother would have something to eat on the other side or something like that.  And, I remember her saying how it had hurt her to watch my Grandmother loose her desire to eat when she'd always loved to eat so much.  i felt that same thing after my mom and dad died - remembering how they enjoyed eating and then couldn't.  But, I was in my early twenties and just didn't have any experience that would let me know how bad my parents were hurting when their parents, my grandparents, died.  I wish I would have known better what to do for them and had helped them through that more.  Sometimes I plain hate myself for that.  But, I just didn't know, because i had never known this kind of pain before.  I never knew it could hurt this bad.  About fifteen years before my mom died, my girlfriends son died.  She was married to an abusive partner, and I just knew he was some how responsible for it (everyone thought that) even though it was never proven.  I felt a lot of pain there, but it was guilt and not grief.  I felt like I should have done more than call child protective services and their priest to report the abuse and try to get the kid help (what more could I have done though?)  I felt a lot of guilt pain in that death, but it still was not nearly as bad as loosing my mom and dad.  Nothing has ever hurt me this much.  If someone would have told me it could hurt this bad before it happened, I would not have believed them.

the day my dad died and we got called out to id the body the nite nurse had to hold me up i woz that numb if id bean hit by a speading train i wood of got up and warket away with out fealing it i still feal the same way i tryed tarking to my big bro and big sister but all i get i shud be over it but its ok foer them thy still hav ther dad i dont but all us 3 seam to do is argue with eash other and argue over sun of the sillists thngs i seam to get picket on for bean the yugest my dad used to get picket on by 1 of his sisters the oldest 1 used to bully him wen he woz litel ther is sum thngs i wishit id dun to but didnt there woz a teacher at skool who woz allways hiting kids for the least bit mistake he hit me to but i never told any 1 coz i thort no 1 wood bleve me till he hit 1 girl so hard she took a epletic fit but she told her parents i thnk he got the sack in the end 

people say it gets easer i dont i thnk it gets harder every day iv never felt numb and hurt like this before iv never bean hurt like this even wen iv lost my cuzens and grandparents i cant rember fealing like thisi  before its like a nitemare but i no im not on my own on hear coz we all going thru the same thng in difrent ways 

Received another phone message from my mother on my cell. It has been over one year since she left this place and has gone to the next. The message is my 4th message. They are all different. I cry where I hear her voice and then I am amazed all at the same time. This one was in a very weak and far away voice "Sue.....it's mom".

It never gets easier.

i no it dose not get easer i get sic of peole telling me it duse i feal like saying tell the truth it gets harder if my dad had bean hear we wood have took him to my anties 80th birthday next weak she woz the 1 that set my mum up on a blind date with him after her devorse they had the best 39 yrs together next yr wood of bean ther 40th wed antrsy he even tret my big sis and brother has his own kids 

jb

I lost my soulmate 3 months ago and no it does not get easier.  My understanding is that you just learn how to deal with it better.

Sue that is really awesome.  I keep begging and praying that my love one will contact me but nothing.  I don't feel her, dream about her, smell her NOTHING!

I had an experience from my late husband. I was asleep when he came to me and hugs me from behind my shoulders, only for me to turn around and sense his spirit self, and he kissed me.  I remembered everything that happened. i know this feeling will last me my lifetime. i know his loving self will be with me many times throughout the rest of my journey. I'm trying to find inner piece, and direction.

Kim,

It is my personal experience that your loved one with come to you when you are at peace. Thats why we can dream with them so often. We are not stressed out, crying, feeling depressed. Those high energy emotions block their vibrations. Remember that pain and love are both emotions - we define them as good or bad. None the less they are just emotions we react to on our own personal level. There is nothing we can do to bring them back in the physical sense, and that is what we are missing. All of us are going to transition to where they are now. They are not "dead" they are just different. They have moved on because that is all part of the plan. Be happy that your loved one is in a MUCH, MUCH more loving and pain free place. No more worries. Only the greatest of peace, joy and happiness imaginable. It is missing them that is hard for us. Please read Victor Zammitt. It will bring you temendous inner peace.

I am confused because in your response to jb you said it never gets easier.  With that said, I don't understand your statement :              

Kim,

I know it is confusing. It never gets easier to live without them in the physical sense. We miss hearing their voices, having dinner with them, having holidays with them. That part never gets easier. What we can do is accept that they are no longer here physically. The horrible grief we feel when they first leave us is beyond anything we have ever had to experience. As time passes we change because we have to. We can either stay in bed all day and cry mourning them or we can rejoyce for them now being with their loved ones and higher power. Whether you believe in God or Jesus we will all meet our higher power one day. You will be asked to judge yourself and how you have lived YOUR life. Kim, the people in our lives are there for a reason. And you are put in their lives for a reason. Look back and try to understand why you were given the parents you had, the friends you have had, siblings...ect. Back to communications...when we are upset we our vibrations are like spark pluggs going crazy. The neurotramsmitters in our brain are firing our of control. No other vibrations can connet. I'm not saying I don't have days when I am not crying and just so damn depressed. It is on the days that I am feeling free and I get allow myself to be happy that my mother contacts me.

this weak lucy the cat has dun evry thnk to me like she used to do my dad jumpet on my hed cloueted me frew the stairs evry day went fow my hand then ran fast like to say tag yore it and beging for more treats iv bean giving her these new 1s vit bits mamby thats giving her 2 much enurgie for a cat of her age 12 yr old shes prety fast my dad used to say she will live us all out

Hi everyone.  Sorry I haven't been on for a while.  I missed a lot of messages.  Almost too many for me to answer.  I will say that like Sue my dad called me again last night.  Those calls are getting farther and farther apart, but he still calls sometimes.

jb - I can understand how you feel when your dad's cat starts playing with you like she did him.  I experience that sometimes with my dad's cat and dog, and it makes me remember my dad.

On the getting easier subject, it does get easier in that we get used to living without them because we have no other choice, but it doesn't get easier because we never stop wanting them to be here to do the things with us they used to do like jb saying her dad should be here for his fortieth wedding anniversary and her aunt's birthday, etc.  We never stop wishing they were there for that kind of thing, but eventually we accept that we have a new reality to live.  We still long for the past, but we get to a point where we can accept we don't have it any more.  So, in a sense, you both do and don't get over it.

it happend again with the balloons the blue 1 popet strate away and that woz my dads faret color and the greay popet wen i toset up with my god arm behind me and the orange 1 popet in my hand and they wer all leters to my dad even thore i woz geting sum funny looks off this lady warking her dog  i now no like storssssssssxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxz like storyas said my dad can pop ballons im leveing that bit on coz lucy jumet on my hand wen i woz typing on top of the keybord it sond like yore dads get thru lucy by jumping on me it look like our dads are freinds with each other all redy i didnt get to my anti s 80 th bday coz mum wozent well but tuch wood that shes ok now my dad used to say that but we went out for a meal today instead i give her 2 lovely fotos i took and necklase for my anti and she woz very happy abot that shes got 5 kids 1 in jail whos a bad person and the other 3  good peopel and other 1 all she thinks of her self well she did till sum thnk bad happend to her i all ways try to thnk of other peopel 

jb - that is good that you try to think of other people (but don't forget about yourself - my pastor always says that you've got to take care of yourself before you are any good to any one else:  I only say that cuz I'm the type who tends to forget about myself so I assume all giving people do - please don't be offended by my words).  I think people who think of other people instead of always being selfish are happier people.  That was very nice of you to take your Aunt out and to care for your mom when she was not feeling good the day of the party.  I'm sure she loved the photos you took, because you take very very good pictures from what I've seen so far.

I don't know why it happens.  Some of my Christian friends are telling me that if I were really a Christian that I would not believe these things could happen like balloons popping and phone calls, etc.  But, the bible says that we do not fully understand while we walk this earth, so I'm going to assume this is part of the part we can't understand while on this earth.  It is too much of a coincidence that the balloons pop every time.  And, some people have told me that the double rainbow following my car was just physics, and that may be true, but what about a double rainbow being in my niece's parking lot for the exact same hours it was following my car even though my niece lives hours away.  And, what about the phone calls I keep experiencing.  My dad called me again last night - this is the first time he's done it two nights in a row.  I am going to hope he is trying to tell me thank you, because I did something on his behalf recently to bring to justice those who abused him in the nursing facility.  I'm going to believe what is repeatedly happening and realize I will not have an understanding of everything that happens while I am on this earth.  If anyone else were truly experiencing what I am experiencing, they would not be able to doubt either.  That would be great if my dad and your dad were friends on the other side.  I hope they both have a good friend or friends and are happy.

no not offened storyas i do foget abot my self sum times to or sum times put my foot in it with people like a while ago i asket this lady wen her baby woz due and she told me she wozent pregnant i thort ops but she warket away not very happy i told my mum in my next life i hope u and my dad r my parents again but i hope the world is a beter plase and safer plase i often wonder wot type of person woz i in a past life i just hope it woz sumbody nice im going to wite more letters on ballons im going to try and wite it to other people iv lost and ill sea if they pop i will let u no if it duze

i fogot to say storyas 1 of my mums freind had problems with that ward my dad died on her husband had dirty him self and the nurse wer gosping then and they told her u clean him up wille all the foring nurses were working like slaves but they helpet her instead but she reported them for bean lazy for gosping and bean raset but i dont no if she got any were

jb - I'm glad your mom's friend reported them.  I hope they got not only in trouble but fired so that they can't hurt any other sick or old people.  I'm sure you were a kind person in a past life or you wouldn't have been born to such good parents.  That's what I always say too - I want my parents to be my parents in a future life, the new earth, heaven, whatever.  I want to be with them again.  You know how I told you my dad called two nights in a row and he's never called that often before.  I think he was calling to tell me to take his dog to the vet.  She is pretty sick.  I had her to the vet two months ago and they told me her CBC was fine and they thought it was just allergies, but she is going down hill more and more.  I think I'm going to have to have her put down tomorrow.  I think my dad was calling to let me know his dog was suffering and to ask me to help her.

im so sorey to hear abot yore dads dog storyas

sum tims wen im on hear i feal like my dad is close to me i dont no if im bean silly or duze any 1 else feal like this i no me and my dad wer realy close i no mum used to say we like 2 peas in a pod and wen i woz litel id follor him all over the house or any wer we went

the woz a nock at the door and wen i got ther ther woz nobody ther it woz the nock my dad used to do for a joke to make us get and anser the door i dont no if it woz him geting upset with sum of the family trying to carse trubel trying to throw ther wait around and interfeiring things that haz nothing do with them we are all trying to sort wills out and ther is 1 person stickijng ther nose in abot it sum 1 who has had to mush a good edgication who thnks im a dim wit a dumvo coz i cant spell to gud thnking evry 1 shud leve evry thng to thm 1 good thng abot thy hav did me a faver in my will im leaving evry thng to charty so no body can argue abot it

jb - I think your dad is close to you, because sometimes I feel my dad and my mom.  I did have to euthanize my dad's dog on Wednesday, and I am sad and cry sometimes, but she was totally at peace and I was at peace afterwards - a peace that was almost like she was letting me know it was okay.  I felt like I felt my parents presence and so did the lady who went with me.  And, I believe your dad could knock on the door (or God could let him or God could help him do it) to tell everyone to quit acting badly.  I believe my phone rang two nights in a row earlier this week, because my dad was trying to tell me his dog was sick.  And, she was sick.  I didn't want to put her down.  I asked the vet over and over again what she would do if it was her dog, and she finally said she'd euthanize the dog and that Lassie was very sick and if I didn't do it that day I'd be back very soon to do it.  So, I went ahead and did it.  I think my dad knew she was sick and kept making my phone ring to let me know.  Also, jb - do you have facebook.  I just got on facebook last night.  I didn't want to be on facebook, but the shelter who gave me my dog asked me to get on their facebook and tell my story, and I couldn't do that without making an account for me.  I'd like to keep it to just a few friends.  I don't want my name all over the internet as that doesn't feel safe, but if you have facebook, maybe we could write on there too.  Let me know how you feel about that.  Thanks,

i dont trust face book on hear i feal safelike said before storyas so sorey to hear abot yore dads dog iv lost pets overther yrs and it still hurts now even sum hav went over 20 yrs ago it still hurts thy feal like blood family and thy respect u more and hav beter manners at least thy care abot thehumans ive got lucygusing wish hand is her treat in i say lick the hand and ul get a treeat and she all ways licks the rigt hand  or her cat food i say do u want the wiskers sashet ot the sheba she snifs both then rubs her hed against the 1 she wants i told sum1 onse and thy thort i  woz joking

That is okay.  I don't really want to be on facebook either, but I guess I am for now any way.  I'm always scared some nut job will be following me on public forums like facebook, but I'll try it for a while to help the shelter who got me the dog my dad said he was going to send to me before he died.  Lucy sounds like a really smart cat.  I don't know that all cats are that smart.  I don't know if my Nugget is or not.  I am going to start asking him questions like that to test him and see if he is able to understand me.  Thanks for the condolences about Lassie.  Even though I feel peacefulness around me, I still feel quite sad.  I do miss her.  Little things - like I only have to get three dog bowls together in the morning.  Last night when I was giving out dog treats I wondered if she wanted to know where hers was.  Little things like that just keep reminding me that everything is different.  I had a dream last night though.  I can't remember it good, but I think it was telling me I did the right thing.  I hope I did the right thing.  It's just so hard.  I told my husband that I feel like an animal serial killer, because that is the third animal I've had to have euthanized in my life.  But, my first dog i let die naturally, and I think that was a mistake.  I think he suffered too much.  Thanks for listening. 

no storyas youre not anmial killer wen my 1st cat jayson died i woz just kid i wanet to hold on to him for ever but he had feline lukiama i never got over lozing him even tho it woz over 20 yrs ago same as tina the dog i didnt want to let her go and yogs the cat that killied evry thng and beat up evry cat who died of feline aids i didnt wanr to let him go and it still hurts now after all these yrs my dad had a disrect nurse who used to check on him and she is a real nurse allways for the paitent and the family she had a cat that woz 22 wen it died and i reber her saying at the time shel never get over it evry house shes went to pets jumpet on her even lucy did i thng lucy miss her  visteds bleve or not she even ask fot treats out of the fridge i woz saying to lucy wot u want and she stood on her back legsand puting her 2 front pars on the fridge as mush to say can i hav a bit of meat out of the fridhe i thng cats r eady to train beter thn people it least thy respect u more and dont treat u like dirt i thng lassie wanted to be with yore dad i can picher her now on yore dads nea or going for nose warks or chasing her tail wen our lucy woz yunger she woz chasing her tail she bit it so hard she screamed and blamrd us

jb - thank you for all your supportive words.  I'm sorry you lost so many pets and that it still pains you.  I know how that feels.  I think you are right though that Lassie is with my dad now.  I think my dad is no longer crippled and that he and Lassie can go for long walks in the woods.  Who knows - maybe Lassie isn't even a dog in heaven.  Maybe she takes some form that can actually talk to my dad and they can tell each other things instead of only him being able to talk to her.

wen i went sea my dad in the funnrall home he looket like a yung man agane yea  he had wite hand gray hair but he looket like in his 20s id rather trust the undertakers then lazy nurses apart from my dads comunty nurse who come evry 2 weaks to check on him even she woz disgusterd how thy tret him and she lernt nursing the harf way that why she started doing comunty nursing to spend tim with the paitsints and the other day i woz tarking to the funrall directer who did my dads funrall ask ing how evry 1 woz wish woz nise that i thort like i said thy seam more caring then nurses

jb - I think you are right.  We pre-planned our funerals, and the people we pre-planned with became our friends  between the time of pre-planning and my dad's funeral and then they were there for me after the funeral and still are.  They really seem to care.  When I euthanized my dad's dog the other day, my friend remarked how much healthier she already looked, because the strain of suffering left her face when she died.  And, at the funeral, my dad's face no longer had the strain of suffering and he looked much younger.  I found a picture today of me and my dad that I scanned in so I could send it to you on the computer.  I'm usually the one with the camera, so there are not many pictures of me.  But, a nice Activities lady at the nursing home (the Activities Department people were really nice but the nurses and doctors were awful) took this picture.  Please forgive how unkempt I looked.  I was so busy taking care of my dad I barely had time to comb my hair and brush my teeth.  I often only got a bath a couple of times a week.  I must have stunk.  I don't know how my dad could stand to be around me so much. 

you dont look yore age u lok very yung on ther the last foto i took of my dad i cant look at that 1 coz it woz the last foto i took wen i had long hair it wood stick up worse then jedrard now its a number 2 hair cutfor me coz i had a bad case of exsmer on top of my hed so i hav to use this dear shampoo for it it still cums bac now and agane a weak or so wen me and mum went to another funrall a babys funnrall we got to the creamatorim to early and saw 2 funnralls going on 2 lady under takers doing were the wark in front of the herse then gide the family in to the crem  i no ther woz a lady under takr who did my cuzen and and she has bean ther for the family 2 even the day of my dads funrall the yung boy who did his made sure we got in the limo ok then boud at the herse and warket in front of the herse till the end of the st then got in the hurse with the pall bures who cary the coffens i keap on saying now if im to ill said me to the funrall home it least u get beter treament

I know what you mean - undertakers seem to care more than doctors.  I went to a grief support group just last Sunday where a lady lost her son, and she was devastated.  I don't know what kind of health care you have in the UK, but at this point we have health insurance instead of universal health care.  This ladies son was electrocuted on the job.  His job did not give health insurance, so no doctor wanted to see him.  They went from doctor to doctor trying to find an answer.  Those who would see him said nothing was wrong and sent him home.  The free clinics he stayed on the list for months and they could never get him in.  I have a good friend who belongs to the Tea Party over here, and she said she doesn't believe in Obamacare, because the free clinics already do more for the poor than those with insurance.  But, I'm a medical massage therapist, and I've had clients I referred to clinics all the time that it took them two or three years to get in.  One lady needed immediate surgery to save her life, so I promised her I'd stand by her side and not give up on her till she had the surgery.  I spent nine months so stressed I was practically pulling out my hair to find a clinic doctor who would help her.  She could have died, and she had a small daughter who needed her.  Well, that is the same thing this woman from the grief support group went through.  Since he could get no help, he died.  The undertaker came to pick up the body, looked at him and said, "I've seen this before.  I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose, but he sure looks like people I've seen before with post-electrocution syndrome (or something like that - I might not have remember the name right).  Apparently, some of the best specialists for this illness are in my city, but no doctor cared enough to refer him, because he did not have insurance and was not eligible for Medicaid because he needed to keep his car that was worth more than $1,500 to get back and forth to the doctors as he tried to find help, and you can't have more than $1,500 in money or property if you are going to get Medicaid.  It is all so sad.  Yet, another example of an undertaker caring more than the dozens of doctors this young man (only 36 or 38 - can't remember which one right now) saw.  It's so sad.  I'm sorry your having problems with eczema on your head.  Once it is completely well, I'm sure you can grow your hair out again.  I cut mine very short three and a half years ago cuz I was so busy taking care of my dad that I couldn't deal with it, and it's already down to my waist again.  Not that it matters cuz 99% of the time I just wear it in a bun, but that is why I like it long.  I don't want a short hair cut where i have to stand and primp in front of the mirror every morning.  If I have long hair, I can put it in a bun in just a couple of minutes and go about my day. 

jb - thank you for saying I look young.  I think I look young, because I'm fat.  A fat face pushes the wrinkles out.  When I loose weight and I don't have fat pushing my skin out to hide the wrinkles, my age will probably show. 

and sum thngs u cant get on prescibsions the nhs is free to sea the dr but prescibsions and dental and eye test u hav to pay for but sum thngs u cant get on presicrsion i dont mind my hair short easy to manage pluss wen it woz long lucy used to swing on i no it sonds very funny s he even used to pill my dads comenty nurse hair but she lived her that musg she let her get away with itcoz she loved her to bits and lucy says hi to u

dont wory abot bean fat on that foto i luv my dad page look how fat i woz i woz abot ovwr 15 stone i thnk at the time i woz on steriods and sinse my dad died im just under 12 stone at 5 ft 3 now im worid abot geting winkels u remidned me of a old a skool freind gay kenny but he like u woz lovely i no u r not gay and nether am i for yrs i fancid him rotten then i relisid id get no wer with him i havent sean him for a long time i just hope his met a nise man i hope i havent put my foot in with u the only drs who care r the older 1s the yunger 1s dont care i no the older nurse care but that last ward my dad died on wer just yung nurses who didnt care bean rasest to the forin nurses espelty to the filapionos and chines i thort that woz arful my dad used to say live and let liv and dont judge people but that day i cudnt help it my dad used to say its wots in side that counts not the out side i hope im not driving u nuts i hav to sea the dr this weak but iv nown him for yrs and his none me sins i woz abot 16 so i trust him and his very obease i wont say his name but his very funny 

jb - I watch a lot of BBC TV so I know you all weigh in stones, but I have never quite been able to figure out how that works.  Just suffice to say that I did not think you looked fat.  I thought you were lovely in the picture you shared.  But, steroids will really put weight on any one, so you can't blame yourself for gaining weight on steroids.  That was one of several factors in me gaining weight.  I gained weight so fast on a steroid that I literally put my black dress pants in the laundry after taking them off with them being a little baggy, and two weeks later when I washed them, I had gained so much weight in two weeks that I could only get them half way up my thighs - and I've had a hard time controlling my weight every since.  A chiropractor told me I'm having a hard time with weigh still, because the doctor took me off of the steroids quickly instead of weaning me off of them so my adrenal gland was damaged.  I'm sorry that the man you fancied ended up being gay.  That has happened to several of my girlfriends.  It is not mine to judge if someone is gay.  I just hope they are happy and then I don't think on it from there.  That is between them and God and their families and partners.  I think too many Christians spend too much time judging others when they should be looking at their own hearts.  To say we are better than someone because they are gay is like praying the Pharisees prayer where the Pharisee thanked God that he was better than others due to him seeing himself as righteous.  That does not mean we can't make decisions to discern for our own well being though. There is a difference between judgement and discernment.  There was a gay man who fancied me about fifteen years ago before I got married.  I knew he had run around to gay bars and been in orgies and had sex with lots of people, so I told him no thank you.  I was afraid as much as he had been around that maybe he would give me an STD if I ended up marrying him or something.  And, I was also afraid that if we ended up being a couple that he would realize that what we had was just an infatuation and that he really did only like men and would leave me to go back to men.  So, I told him no thank you.  I did not think it would be a good thing for me to date him.  It's the same with with what your dad said.  There is a difference between judgement and discernment.  Your dad was right not to judge the nurses, but he did have a right to discern that he was not getting the proper care and take whatever steps was needed to make sure he and other patients got good care.  I'm just so sorry that your dad went through bad care like my dad did.  It is so sad that people can treat other people that way.

Me and my husband watched a movie together tonight.  We saw Avatar.  Have you seen it yet?  It was so good.  If you haven't seen it, I recommend it.  It is about our culture ruining our earth mother and then trying to go to another planet and steal their planet from them.  I had a really powerful message about taking better care of our earth and not being greedy and was a very good movie too.  I'm just recommending it cuz I just saw it and still have the jitters from how good it was.