Cat

59, Female

Fairbanks, AK

United States

Profile Information:

About Me:: I am 45 years old, mothet of two girls. (one is 8 and the othet is 5). I was born in NYC and lived there for 24 years until I moved to Alaska.
About my Loss:: I recently lost my father (this past Monday). He had chronic liver disease for many years. He also had colorectal cancer back in 2002 but after chemo and radiation he became cancer free but at the cost of his liver deteriorating more. His body couldn't take it anymore. He was very weak and quite thin. In my heart I'm convinced he wanted to continue living but his body didn't let him. He wasn't a candidate for a liver transplant as any major surgery could have killed him.I miss him so much but I couldn't bear to see him suffer any longer. I get these intense waves of sorrow and it tears me apart. Leaving his body at the hospital was heart wrenching. My mom nearly lost it and I tried really hard to maintain my composure. Going to the funeral home to discuss his cremation was just as bad AND then picking up his ashes was really, really hard. To think that all that is left of my dad are his ashes makes my heart ache so much. I'm having intense crying spells and it seems like this pain won't go away. His memorial mass is this Sunday and I'll probably lose it. Even though I'm getting support I feel so alone :(