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Lost without Michelle
I lost my best friend, my soul mate, the love of my life to a drunk driver on January 1, 2010.
I've tried to post to this group, but the pain was unbearable. I've spent the last year working to the point of exhaustion so I could avoid the pain. I suppose I childishly wanted
to believe that "Time Heals all Wounds". It doesn't.
I can't bear it. When I hear "HAPPY NEW YEAR" I turn away. I want to scream out "Keep your ____ HAPPY to yourself".
I pass by our favorite places and I have to fight off the tears.
I listen to the music we both loved and I can't hold back the tears. I long for the hours we would spend sitting in a rocker listening to the oldies.
I am ashamed to admit that sometimes I wish I had been with her.
I am ashamed that I'm angry at the drunk who took her life. (I used to drink very heavily; I'm no better than he, just more fortunate).
I speak frequently to her daughters. Somehow, I've been able to help them, and they have come to call me "Uncle Ken". I remind them to honor their mother's memory - get past the anger and grief, and get on with their lives. Why can't I follow my own advice? I am ashamed that it HURTS to talk to them.
The ULTIMATE CRUELTY of all this is that for most of my life, when I was at rock bottom, a phone call to Michelle was the magic elixir. Now that I need her the most, it is her loss that I mourn.
I don't even know why I'm posting this.
Views: 106
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pam Brooks on
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand completely, although I lost my only child at age 24. The pain, yes, is unbearable at times. There is a hole which can never be filled because they are gone. Tears will be a part of your life now just like me. We miss them so much yet we can't do anything about it. I do try keep a journal and it helps some. Please hang in there - you sound like a compassionate person, and I think it's healthy to speak with her children and it shows you truly care. I take it a moment at a time. That's all I can do. If you ever need to talk, I'm here and will listen. We now have a common bond even though we wish we didn't. God bless you Ken.
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Permalink Reply by Ken Cirillo on
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Thank you, Pam. It's strange, I have several friends with whom I can talk about anything EXCEPT this bereavement. I know that they care, but they tense up and get scared. That silences me immediately. Inflicting pain upon others is about the last thing I want to do. I'll try the jounal. Maybe writing what I'm feeling will allow me to see issues instead of this swirling vortex of anguish.
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Permalink Reply by Bonnie Beucler on
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Hi Ken,
John was killed by a driver <not drunk> on 12/26 2009 so my "anniversary" just passed as well.
His daughters do not talk to me anymore which leaves just as large a hole as John's absence. We did as
you, sat together and watched our favorite TV shows. He liked the oldies station and that is what was
always on in the car. I am just a little young to remember those tunes as well as he did.
I do notice that friends do not know what to say so we side step the issue. My siblings have been terrific
and I'm strong enough to go on alone. I will miss him always. We were together for 26 years.
God Bless you Ken and you know why you wrote to us. You needed a forum where people do not tense
up and get scared. We have all dealt with the same emotions you are going through on many different levels
and for varying periods of time. I suppose we will all get to where we need to be but in time....our "own*
time no one else's.
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Permalink Reply by Jordan on
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Ken,
I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Im very new to this site, this is my first post actually. Yours is the first post I read. Im going to pray for you and also have my mom pray for you. For some sort of healing. To lose someone close to you, (I just lost my best friend, my brother) is something that you never get over. I also play over 100 scenarios of how something I could have done or said, or someone else said (or done) could have made everything different. Everyday, every minuite. I also keep a notebook of "Letters To Lyle," just a conversation I would be having with him right now. Time Heals All Wounds... Yeah time doesnt really seem to be doing anything right now, even moving... So you have every right to hurt I just want you to know that you're not alone.
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