Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on June 11, 2011 at 3:59pm

Semary, I haven't had a bowl of cereal in 2 months now. My daughter and I always ate cereal together. 5 days before she died we went to the grocery store and Kasey was so happy that the chicken legs were buy one get one free. When I saw them in the freezer I freaked out and had my boyfriend give them away. The more "experienced" grievers ( sorry I couldn't think of a better word right now) tell me that there are many more triggers coming our way. I pray that you find some moments of peace. They have been few and far between for me. Sandy

Permalink Reply by Semary Rose on June 11, 2011 at 5:11pm

I, too, had a freezer experience and sent away all of his food I had in the freezer.  I wish you peace, as well.  I dread more triggers, as it is a deep and terrible feeling.  I don't think "pain" is the correct feeling.  It verges on panic and horror to me.  I am so sorry about your loss. 

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on June 11, 2011 at 5:55pm

Panic and horror are pretty good descriptions. I tell my boyfriend that the black hole is coming. Sometimes he can help me make it go away. Sometimes I end up running down the road to my daughter's accident site. I am so exhausted when I get there I don't even have the energy to think about anything

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on June 11, 2011 at 6:36pm

Sadly, I can relate.  My wife and I had been together for just shy of 15 years (married for just over 11) and it was all spent in the same city, and even pretty much in the same part of it.  There's not a whole lot of places around her I can go now where there aren't memories of her.  The first time going somewhere has usually been the worst.  That's when they flood back in HARD and get so overwhelming.  I had to all but run out of one grocery store as much due to the emotional overload as the fact that my vision and sense of balance/reality were starting to go.  With most of them, going back the second time and afterward isn't as bad.  If nothing else, I know what's there.  It doesn't mean the memories don't still come up sometimes, but at least they're not as overwhelming and frightening in their intensity.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Semary Rose on June 11, 2011 at 9:21pm

Sean, that is comforting that it may be less traumatic the next trip, as I can't pick up and move me and my two young children to a neutral place.  We have too many family ties and that would undermine the whole purpose of moving.  My family has been very supportive.  However, I have this deep longing to leave it all behind and start anew in a place where no memories exist.  It is a guilty pleasure I entertain during my darker moments of memory floods.  I feel like I have a lot more "firsts" to go through over the next year.  That has to be some sort of goal for those of us in grieving.  Yet, I don't want to wish away my young ones' lives, which gives me so much pleasure.  It is so much of a paradox.  I want time to pass; yet I don't want to lose the moments of being a mother.

 And Sandra,  bless your boyfriend for being there with you through all of this.   It is indeed a blackhole.

Permalink Reply by Sean Casey on June 12, 2011 at 11:40am

I can very much understand the impulse to just want to leave it all behind and start over somewhere else.  That's hit me multiple times, on occasion fleeting and at other times hard enough to be almost stunning.  I'm thinking, though, that the advice of not making any major changes in the first year is good.  I don't know that right now I'd make such a change out of my own best interest or just trying to run.  I also try to keep in mind that even if I went somewhere Ariel & I had never been, the memories would still be carried with me.  For now, I'm leaving it at the idea that, as I seem to be able to stand being here, I'll give it a year and then I can start seriuosly thinking about whether I want to move/go or not.  And that's not having the additional issue of kids to consider, which would certainly complicate it even further.  I very much can understand having to bear in mind what's best for them, and not just what you/we would want.  *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Sandra LaBonte on June 13, 2011 at 3:35pm

I've thought many times of just taking off and leaving, I realize I am just trying to get away from myself. I want to just leave this broken person I have become behind. There is no running away from yourself. I just can't believe this is my life. It is so lonely

Permalink Reply by Semary Rose on June 13, 2011 at 8:36pm

Sandy, you are so devastatingly saddened.  I am so sorry.  I am thinking of you all day.  None of us can really leave where we are.  My mom always said "whereever you go, there you are".  I thnk I saw a book called that recently.   I am lonely too.  I cried all the way home from work today thinking about how my husband used to pick the kids up after he got off work because he got off earlier.  I feel like I took him for granted--all the things he did for our family.  I wish I had words of comfort for you. I hope you find some peaceful moments as the day is ending.

 

Permalink Reply by mercy on June 15, 2011 at 2:06pm

Sandra; I'm so sorry for your loss I can relate to that feeling but unfortunately we have to live out our lives until our time comes.  My mom lost three children in their prime

and I’m just now understanding what she must have gone through. She was so strong and never let on that anything was the matter but I now KNOW SHE WAS REALLY HURTING. I wish I had know the pain she was going thru I would have tried to reach out to her and comforted her. I miss her so much; its been less than three weeks since she left us and for the last few weeks of her life, I would envy everyone else. I would long to escape the pain of watching her suffer. Now I just want to go be with her; life seems so meaningless without my best friend and guide. I wonder how to make it from day to day. I hope you have a better day today. I'll be thinking about you. Hang in there, we shall see better times.