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Comment by Connie K on November 9, 2017 at 10:26am

Well it's been a very long while since I've been on this site. I feel like you Karen that I don't have much to say or share that will help. Karen - you have helped so many so much by creating this group. Dec.1 will be 5 years for me and I too cannot believe it's been that long. And yet it feels like I've been drowning in sorrow for so long.

Kellie Hull I am so very sorry for your loss and to have to welcome you to the club nobody wants to be in. I lost my Daniel at age 17 in a car accident. The suddenness of it it so traumatic.  And I miss my sweet boy more every day. He was my only and I feel my life has remained stuck in the time when he was here.

Teresa, I think of you and how strong you've been. I hope you are still doing the soccer tournament. I try to do things in Daniel's remembrance but not with the same passion I have at first. It almost hurts too much now. But I will tell you my faith never wavers. He is with me so much. I feel his presence and he sends me love and strength. I do believe that "he just in the other room" and this life is buts one stop along the way. That doesn't make this stop easier except that I know he is ok, he's not in pain any longer, he is doing amazing things that we can not really comprehend. And he showed me the greatest joy there is in life -the love of our child. Thank you Daniel for being my son. The pain is so great but I would never trade it for not having had you. God I miss him and I struggle every day. My perspective on life is so different and I don't really make too many plans. I still have a lot of anxiety. I am editor of out local Compassionate Friends newsletter and I feel that way I am giving a service. I lean on my spiritual family at my Ashrama for support and to keep my spiritual life in practice. I want to be close to where he is.

Eva your poem is quite beautiful. It is so hard for the surviving siblings to deal with their loss and the loss of the parent they knew because we are never the same. But you can share together the great love you all shared with the daughter you lost.

Dolly - always nice to be reminded of Brandon's messages to you. I always get them and recently we had a devastating fire here in the Foothills of Glendale. The canyon where my son was killed was on fire for 4 days. Afterwards, it was all burned, north, south, east and west of the crash site for miles - 7000 acres. I thought to myself that I hoped that damn wall the car crashed into was burned to the ground.Now the city will. have to fix it! I thought. for 5 years I have kept flowers at that site. When we were finally allowed to go down there, I expected to see it all gone but miraculously the only thing left - were the flowers and the end of that wall. To me it was another wonderful message of hope. His spirit is so strong and I could just see him saying,"Not my flowers". I thank the brave firefighters. I know they left them there and removed other debris that was always dumped behind the wall. IBut still, the fir jumped the road and burned everything in it's path - a mile to the freeway, jumped the freeway and burned up to the house. Fortunately no one was killed and only one home was lost.  So on my darkest day I think of those flowers - the only color amidst a backdrop of blackened ash. He was and will always be my greatest joy. I am sharing the picture of this.

NO one else knows the heartbreak we live with and I hold all of you here in my heart and prayers especially during these very difficult holidays. I can't wait for them to be over. Hugs to everyone.

Comment by Kellie Hull on November 9, 2017 at 9:23am

On September 30th of this my only daughter Aaliyah was in a motorcycle accident. She had just turned 20 on September 12th. I had to take her off life support on October 1st. I was 14 when I had her. She was my best friend. I have this big whole in my chest that I don't know how to help. I try to stay strong for my boys but I feel like I'm breaking on the inside. There is just so much pain.i miss her smile and her laugh. I miss her hugs I just miss her.

Comment by Dolly on October 1, 2017 at 5:33pm

oh Teresa... I am SO sorry.. I will pray so hard for her... and for you... I don't really want to be in this world anymore EXCEPT for those I love that are still here... if not for them there would be NO reason to be here at all.. so much pain and so much craziness in this world.. I just find myself hiding most of the time..  people are just too mean these days.. we have actually been 'uninvited' from attending a Senior Center informal band group because we played a hymn for an elderly gentleman.. ONE hymn among all sorts of jazz and blues and rock and roll and stuff that he had no interest in... I know its nothing.. but its just that every time I turn around it seems something or somebody is clobbering me... I will be thinking of you and your daughter Teresa... nothing we ever face is a horrible as our kid's problems when we have no power of our own to help them.. how well all of us in here know THAT... I will ask my praying friends to pray too.. anonymously

.. just ask for prayers for a friend fighting cancer.. if its ok.. I won't say who or how I know of her or anything... please try to hold on tight to hope... its all we ever have.. I love you.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 25, 2017 at 1:41pm

Karen, you saying your not helpful is very untrue.  I hate to say it but those ahead of me let me know I'm okay.  Those ahead keep me from feeling disappointed or like something is wrong with me because I'm not "moving on".  So please know you help someone like me. 

I needed to come here today. I don't care if anyone comes to the room and reads it or not I just need to something......

My daughter just received news she has ovarian cancer.  She has suffered with an extreme case of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome since she was a child.  I have come to accept I'll never be a grandmother.  (Michael didn't have kids when he passed and her PCOS)

People I couldn't live this again.  God just couldn't be that cruel to me. 

Comment by Patty on September 22, 2017 at 12:21pm

I just passed 7 years.  Everything Karen said below is ditto for me :'(

Comment by Kar on September 22, 2017 at 12:36am

Sadly I seldom come to this page... I am so sorry about that --- 

-I just hit a wall at some point where I realized I had nothing helpful to share & did not want to add to anyones pain. 

-Brad's 10 year anniversary is drawing near - and even as I type that I still can not believe it.    

-I feel frozen in time.   I see young children of friends and seriously do not know who they are as to me they are still 10 yrs younger.      

-I do what I have to do - but, I do not feel alive.  I avoid as much as I can.    I have grown to hate myself and feel so useless.   that is the raw truth!! 

- Do I feel joy? sometimes - But, my aching heart shadows every moment.  

----------Well See-  this is why you do not hear from me often ... I am certainly not helpful.

---Please know - I am sending love and hugs to you all!!! 

Comment by Teresa D. on August 4, 2017 at 7:29am

Missing my Michael. No new stories to tell, no new pictures to post.  Just simply missing him so bad my insides hurt.  I'd give anything to hear his voice or see his face. 

I try to keep Connie's song words in my mind "Momma don't cry for me for I'm living in eternity." but it's hard.

Winsor That was a real hard thing for me to do as well.  I locked myself in the bathroom to read it.  HUGS!

Eva that is beautiful.  You speak for so many of us.

Love you all!

Comment by Dolly on July 11, 2017 at 11:31pm

wow Eva that was just beautiful... and very fitting to my own feelings today... well yesterday now... both me and my son Bo had a birthday on Tuesday just past... and we were missing our Brandon too... so we were missing him but trying to celebrate each other still... its never really much of a celebration any more.. but we try because we do so love each other .. all of us that are left all love each other and mean so much to each other... but that hole is always still there and it hurts so much .. always... I remember the very first birthday of mine after Brandon died.. I couldn't sleep and was sitting at the computer probably playing solitaire.. and feeling lost and full of grief.. and suddenly from behind me.. in Brandon's room...there sounded one single strum of one of his toy guitars... just one... but loud and ringing... I about fell out of my chair .. I rushed into the room and checked all over... I recognized that chord... but there was NO toy guitar in that room anywhere that made that sound... and there was no more sounds... it was as if I got a 'happy birthday' from heaven somehow.... it never happened on my birthdays since... oh how I wish it would...

Comment by Patty on July 10, 2017 at 2:11pm

Wow.  That is so beautiful, Eva.  Thank you for sharing.  It will be 7 years for me next month.

Comment by Eva Van on July 10, 2017 at 1:55pm

It has been 4 years since the loss of my daughter...and I write a poem for her birthday every year...but I needed, my surviving daughter needed, to know I loved her...

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