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Comment by Karen Custy on June 15, 2011 at 1:47pm

I lost my daughter in November of 2010 and she was only forty years old. She fought a hard battle over cancer and finally her body could take no more. She left behind an eight year old son and a husband. They are struggling without her as we all are. Eight weeks ago, my husband got a call that he never expected saying that his son had passed away unexpectedly. He was thirty five. For both of us to have lost a child within six months was devastating but God never gives us more than we can handle. We rely on each other more than ever. We talk more about our children and what their legacy is that they left to the world. I couldn't have gotten through any of this without him. I know my daughter and his son are watching down and guiding us towards our healing but it will take a long time. Our lives will never be the same.

Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 14, 2011 at 6:44pm

The picture is of Kashmir. Thank you all for your input. It really means alot. I am only 2 months and 2 days in my process. I will be the first to say that I don't have any answers. I am trying to be true to myself and know my limitations when it comes to certain things. If I feel that I can't handle something, I just stay home unless it is church. God is still great regardless of what happens in my life. He loved Kashmir just as much or more than I did. My church family is a big part of my support system. It never occurred to me that Kashmir could die. I just knew we would get through this and live out her dreams. I am saddened by the fact that she won't be around for anything anymore. I miss her smile. She was quite the character so I have loads of funny memories. Sometimes I laughed so hard at her that I physically hurt. Everything seems to remind me of her or a story about her. I was never the type of person who got super emotional. I internalize stuff. I can't do that now. It was brought to my attention that I was avoiding dealing with her death. I thought that I was doing a good job, but it was true. I was pushing the pain aside and focusing on others with all my might. I embrace the pain now. Sure, it really hurts. Sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't explain it. Other days I am great. I just wish it was not like a roller coaster ride. I am proud of the young lady my daughter turned out to be. She was kind, generous, loving and determined. I was lucky to have her in my life for 20 years. What a blessed woman I am.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 13, 2011 at 11:03pm

Karen - you are so right that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. But you are more on point when you say that our children are never spoken about in the past! I speak about my son and often talk about him in the present tense as well. It is NEVER ok to think that we should bury our children and it pisses me off as well when people say " oh but you have other children...." Sorry about ranting today. It has just been one of those days guys. Thanks for listening. ~Ann

Comment by Karen R. on June 13, 2011 at 9:27pm

Greetings Lazondral, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. Is that her picture you have posted?  I unfortunately, along with many others, understand your pain. I loss my 21 yr old son. He was riding a friend's motorcycle when he was forced into another car, he sustained a massive brain injury and passed away a week later while he was in ICU. Besides my heartache and pain, I also have a tremendous amount of anger. I must say that neither has lessoned for me, it still feels like all of this happened yesterday and it has been about 18 or 19 months ago....I stopped counting. I still can NOT accept what has happened and I am not quite sure as to why I have to accept it. It's not 'OK" and its never going to be "OK" for me. He is my child, what parent would want to bury their child?!!! I can not think of one person. I could have never imagined this type of pain and helplessness that I am experiencing. I am still pissed off that the world has been going on without my son. I can never think about him in the past tense because he IS my son and will ALWAYS be my son, he's my baby. It hurts so much, people truly don't understand that just because you have other children doesn't mean that they fill the void of losing one, one child can NOT replace another. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. I am sorry for all of our losses, truly, I am.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 13, 2011 at 3:41am

Lazondrol (Nicole) ~ I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. My prayers are with you. It is never easy when you lose a child no matter what their age. From what you wrote it sounds as if your daughter was loved and touched the lives of many people. My only advice would be to let others see your grief. It may help them be able to understand their own grief over the loss of your daughter. Too many people feel they must be stoic and not show emotion when they grieve. It is OK to grieve. I often find myself sometimes shedding tears when in public still to this day after four years. It is part of life.

Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 12, 2011 at 10:05pm

My daughter Kashmir passed away on April 12, 2011. She was 20 years old. She was 2 months and 8 days away from her 21st birthday. She was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic luekemia in December 2010. She was in her 4th stage of chemo, which was going worse than the others before. She was upbeat and encouraging. You left her feeling uplifted and she was the one who was sick! I am still shocked and kind of numb. She was extremely outgoing with a love for people. She was loved by everybody.She was going to college and had a part-time job. She wanted to be a lawyer. All of that is gone now. My 2 sons and I have a bond but we were very close. I miss her so much. I was overwhelmed by the love and support from everyone. Her funeral was so big we did not have enough room for everybody. The overflow room was full. People were standing everywhere. All the wonderful ways that she had touched others truly amazed me. Sometimes I cry all night. I have not slept well in months (since she was diagnosed). I stopped working in January to be there for her at the hospital. I do not regret that decision. I don't know what to do now. I feel stuck. If it were not for my faith, family and friends I would be a basket case. I have started to embrace the pain instead of ignoring it. It has been 2 months since she has been gone and no one seems to understand. I am extremely skilled in putting a mask on in front of others. I prefer to grieve in private. Reading the posts of others helped me tremendously. Thanks for providing an outlet. I am sorry for everyone's losses. I hope that I can be a blessing to someone too.

Comment by Vicki Giddens on June 3, 2011 at 7:54pm

Thank you Laura.  Brittney was a wonderful person.  Loved by everyone who knew her.  She was always there for you.  Whenever you needed help with something you called Brittney.  She never failed to tell you she loved you before she left or hung up on the phone.  Her laugh was contagious. You couldn't help but laugh with her.  I miss her laugh so much :(  I am sorry for your loss too.  For everyone who has lost someone they love.  I never knew how precious the little things in life are.  A hug. A smile.  What I would give for one smile from her.  I Love You Brittney!  I talk to her sometimes.  I hope that doesn't make me crazy. I feel better when I do.  Thanks again for listening.

 

 

 

 

Comment by Karen R. on June 3, 2011 at 7:36pm

Greetings Laura, and all others. I must say that I too talk about my son all the time to any one that will listen. I try to express to people that they need not to "protect" me by avoiding conversations about my son. It soothes me because it makes me feel that my son is not forgotten. He is my son and will always be my son, I would NEVER say he WAS my son. I even talk to my son everyday and sometimes I ask him for his opinion. I still send him texts messages. Its strange that I no longer want to look at his possessions but at the same time I refuse to part with them, besides a few things that I gave to my younger son. My children packed them away and hid them from me at my request. You are right, everyone grieves different and some of us grieve the same. Thanks again to all that listen.

Comment by Karen R. on June 3, 2011 at 7:27pm

Greetings Vicki, I am so so sorry to hear of another loss of this magnitude. I loss my 21yr old son whose picture you see I think 18 or 19 months ago, I don't like to count the months because for me, it just increases my anger. Once again I am sorry that I don't have too many encouraging words because my pain has NOT lessoned one tiny bit but I can say, like I have said many times before, to keep writing because it helps to have your feelings and thoughts validated by those who, unfortunately, do understand. We will always be willing to listen. I know that your grand baby could NEVER replace your child but that baby needs your love. I am sure that your daughter will love her baby through you. Sometimes I wish that my son had a child, I try to imagine the comfort that would bring me. I will NEVER be able to accept what has happened to my son because it is unacceptable.

Comment by Laura Villarreal on June 3, 2011 at 9:07am

Hi Vicki....I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my daughter (my only child) in May of 2009 (ATV accident)...she was only 33.  This has been my personal experience as we all grieve differently:  The loss of a child is the most difficult grief there is to contend/live/deal with and honestly it does not get better but changes who we are as it forces us to redefine who we are. Anxiety and panic attacks are quite normal; I have learned how to recognize and deal with them but that doesn't make it any easier. At first, whenever I thought of wanting to hug my daughter just one more time, my arms would physically hurt! I have also found that by sharing her memories with others helps to alleviate some of the heartache I have...I love talking about her to anyone who will listen! Friends, family and yes, even strangers! And in all your pain and heartache you have a grandson...a bright light in all your darkness. Your grief is very new so my one piece of humble advice is to take care of yourself.  Make sure you eat right and rest as needed...grief will take all the life out of you if you let it.  If and when you feel like it I think many of us here would like to know about your daughter...share as much as you want, we make no judgements here.  We have all lost a child(ren) in this group and we all making our way through the grief, each in our own way but together.

Take care,

Laura

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