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Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 16, 2011 at 12:55am

I hope that I did not offend anyone. I do not feel that you are being selfish Karen R. No one wants or expects to lose a child. It does seem unfair and unnatural. I never expected Kashmir to get leukemia either. She had never been sick before. That threw me for a loop. It never entered my mind that she would not live. I can't really say that I would do anything different. I did all that I could for her while she was here. She had no doubts of my love for her. I will forever cherish our moments together. I am so emotionally out of whack to begin with, I really did not know how to react. When my sister and I arrived at the hospital that day, I knew that something was different. They had moved her to ICU because she was having trouble breathing. They took forever letting us in was the first clue. Then 2 of her drs rushed us into a room and told us she had passed away 10 minutes before we got there. I felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. My sister screamed and hollered more than I did. I was shocked and felt numb. I could only call my pastor and barely got out the words. My middle child and only daughter was dead. How could this happen. I thought I was faithful to God. Surely, He would heal her. He had done so to many others. Kashmir served Him. She proclaimed how good He was and how He kept her throughout everything. I work in the church. I could not understand why. I wanted some answers! The next day was hell on earth. I got up as usual and proceded to go to the hospital as usual. Then I realized it was not a nightmare. I told my pastor 2 days prior to her death that for 3 weeks I had a dream that I would go to the hospital and 2 drs would tell me that she did not make it. I was so terrified. I reached out to a friend and would not say what it was for fear that it would happen. We prayed and I stopped having the dream. My pastor asked what I thought about it because I had not experienced it before. I thought that I was being tormented. I will never forget what he said. He said that maybe God was preparing me for something. The pain I feel is agonizing. I would not wish this on anyone. I acknowledge the pain but choose to focus on the positives. I refuse to become bitter but better. That poison will kill you. I do not do well with a lot of negativity. I hold on to my faith, family and friends for dear life. I have 2 other children that need me here. Kashmir would not want me to stop living. Her motto was "tomorrow is not promised, yesterday is gone ... so live today as if it were your last!" She even had a bucketlist! Cast all your cares on Him for he cares for you. Jesus is the only one keeping me right now. There are many days that He provides the strength to get me through. His grace and mercy follows me everywhere I go. I will never forget Kashmir. No one will ever take her place. She definitely left her mark on this world. I want to do the same. Thank you to everyone who has shared. Keep sharing. You are blessing someone else!

Comment by Karen R. on June 15, 2011 at 9:26pm

Greetings everyone. Thanks to everyone for always willing to listen and be non-judgemental. My heart will forever be broken.

 

Hello Ann, just wanted to tell you that you are not "ranting", we all understand and would NEVER take it that way. I am sorry that anyone has to experience this magnitude of pain.  Hello Lazondral, your daughter has a beautiful smile! I hope that one day the faith that I had will be renewed. I am so angry, I feel that my once strong faith has all been in vain. I took for granted that all of my children would outlive me, not the other way around. I keep trying to think of a way to "FIX" this!  I am still hoping that this has all been one huge mistake. You would be surprised about some of the crazy thoughts I have. I just feel so frustrated because I simply want my son back. You are right about this being a crazy roller coaster ride. I know that I am supposed to be grateful for the 21 yrs I have had my son but I guess I am selfish, 21yrs is way too soon for me! The bottom line is no parent wants to bury their child no matter how old they are, no matter what the circumstances are.  Hello Karen C., I am so sorry to hear about the loss of you and your husband's children, how devastating. I hope that your grandchild can provide you with some type of comfort.Even though my son was only 21yrs old, I wish he had a child before he passed away, I long for that so much now. My son would have been a great dad.

Comment by Karen Custy on June 15, 2011 at 1:47pm

I lost my daughter in November of 2010 and she was only forty years old. She fought a hard battle over cancer and finally her body could take no more. She left behind an eight year old son and a husband. They are struggling without her as we all are. Eight weeks ago, my husband got a call that he never expected saying that his son had passed away unexpectedly. He was thirty five. For both of us to have lost a child within six months was devastating but God never gives us more than we can handle. We rely on each other more than ever. We talk more about our children and what their legacy is that they left to the world. I couldn't have gotten through any of this without him. I know my daughter and his son are watching down and guiding us towards our healing but it will take a long time. Our lives will never be the same.

Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 14, 2011 at 6:44pm

The picture is of Kashmir. Thank you all for your input. It really means alot. I am only 2 months and 2 days in my process. I will be the first to say that I don't have any answers. I am trying to be true to myself and know my limitations when it comes to certain things. If I feel that I can't handle something, I just stay home unless it is church. God is still great regardless of what happens in my life. He loved Kashmir just as much or more than I did. My church family is a big part of my support system. It never occurred to me that Kashmir could die. I just knew we would get through this and live out her dreams. I am saddened by the fact that she won't be around for anything anymore. I miss her smile. She was quite the character so I have loads of funny memories. Sometimes I laughed so hard at her that I physically hurt. Everything seems to remind me of her or a story about her. I was never the type of person who got super emotional. I internalize stuff. I can't do that now. It was brought to my attention that I was avoiding dealing with her death. I thought that I was doing a good job, but it was true. I was pushing the pain aside and focusing on others with all my might. I embrace the pain now. Sure, it really hurts. Sometimes I hurt so bad that I can't explain it. Other days I am great. I just wish it was not like a roller coaster ride. I am proud of the young lady my daughter turned out to be. She was kind, generous, loving and determined. I was lucky to have her in my life for 20 years. What a blessed woman I am.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 13, 2011 at 11:03pm

Karen - you are so right that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. But you are more on point when you say that our children are never spoken about in the past! I speak about my son and often talk about him in the present tense as well. It is NEVER ok to think that we should bury our children and it pisses me off as well when people say " oh but you have other children...." Sorry about ranting today. It has just been one of those days guys. Thanks for listening. ~Ann

Comment by Karen R. on June 13, 2011 at 9:27pm

Greetings Lazondral, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child. Is that her picture you have posted?  I unfortunately, along with many others, understand your pain. I loss my 21 yr old son. He was riding a friend's motorcycle when he was forced into another car, he sustained a massive brain injury and passed away a week later while he was in ICU. Besides my heartache and pain, I also have a tremendous amount of anger. I must say that neither has lessoned for me, it still feels like all of this happened yesterday and it has been about 18 or 19 months ago....I stopped counting. I still can NOT accept what has happened and I am not quite sure as to why I have to accept it. It's not 'OK" and its never going to be "OK" for me. He is my child, what parent would want to bury their child?!!! I can not think of one person. I could have never imagined this type of pain and helplessness that I am experiencing. I am still pissed off that the world has been going on without my son. I can never think about him in the past tense because he IS my son and will ALWAYS be my son, he's my baby. It hurts so much, people truly don't understand that just because you have other children doesn't mean that they fill the void of losing one, one child can NOT replace another. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. I am sorry for all of our losses, truly, I am.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 13, 2011 at 3:41am

Lazondrol (Nicole) ~ I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. My prayers are with you. It is never easy when you lose a child no matter what their age. From what you wrote it sounds as if your daughter was loved and touched the lives of many people. My only advice would be to let others see your grief. It may help them be able to understand their own grief over the loss of your daughter. Too many people feel they must be stoic and not show emotion when they grieve. It is OK to grieve. I often find myself sometimes shedding tears when in public still to this day after four years. It is part of life.

Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 12, 2011 at 10:05pm

My daughter Kashmir passed away on April 12, 2011. She was 20 years old. She was 2 months and 8 days away from her 21st birthday. She was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic luekemia in December 2010. She was in her 4th stage of chemo, which was going worse than the others before. She was upbeat and encouraging. You left her feeling uplifted and she was the one who was sick! I am still shocked and kind of numb. She was extremely outgoing with a love for people. She was loved by everybody.She was going to college and had a part-time job. She wanted to be a lawyer. All of that is gone now. My 2 sons and I have a bond but we were very close. I miss her so much. I was overwhelmed by the love and support from everyone. Her funeral was so big we did not have enough room for everybody. The overflow room was full. People were standing everywhere. All the wonderful ways that she had touched others truly amazed me. Sometimes I cry all night. I have not slept well in months (since she was diagnosed). I stopped working in January to be there for her at the hospital. I do not regret that decision. I don't know what to do now. I feel stuck. If it were not for my faith, family and friends I would be a basket case. I have started to embrace the pain instead of ignoring it. It has been 2 months since she has been gone and no one seems to understand. I am extremely skilled in putting a mask on in front of others. I prefer to grieve in private. Reading the posts of others helped me tremendously. Thanks for providing an outlet. I am sorry for everyone's losses. I hope that I can be a blessing to someone too.

Comment by Vicki Giddens on June 3, 2011 at 7:54pm

Thank you Laura.  Brittney was a wonderful person.  Loved by everyone who knew her.  She was always there for you.  Whenever you needed help with something you called Brittney.  She never failed to tell you she loved you before she left or hung up on the phone.  Her laugh was contagious. You couldn't help but laugh with her.  I miss her laugh so much :(  I am sorry for your loss too.  For everyone who has lost someone they love.  I never knew how precious the little things in life are.  A hug. A smile.  What I would give for one smile from her.  I Love You Brittney!  I talk to her sometimes.  I hope that doesn't make me crazy. I feel better when I do.  Thanks again for listening.

 

 

 

 

Comment by Karen R. on June 3, 2011 at 7:36pm

Greetings Laura, and all others. I must say that I too talk about my son all the time to any one that will listen. I try to express to people that they need not to "protect" me by avoiding conversations about my son. It soothes me because it makes me feel that my son is not forgotten. He is my son and will always be my son, I would NEVER say he WAS my son. I even talk to my son everyday and sometimes I ask him for his opinion. I still send him texts messages. Its strange that I no longer want to look at his possessions but at the same time I refuse to part with them, besides a few things that I gave to my younger son. My children packed them away and hid them from me at my request. You are right, everyone grieves different and some of us grieve the same. Thanks again to all that listen.

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