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Comment by Margaret Ann Puckett on June 17, 2011 at 10:08pm

Here is the poem I posted a while ago but Norma asked me to repost.. Enjoy & God Bless all.       To My Dear Family Some things I'd like to say, But first of all to let you know That I arrived okay. I'm writing this from Heaven Where I dwell with God above, Where there's no more tears or sadness There is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy Just because I'm out of sight, Remember that I'm with you Every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you When my life on Earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me And He said I welcome you. It's good to have you back again You were missed while you were gone, As for your dearest family They'll be here later on. I need you here so badly As part of My big plan, There's so much that we have to do To help our mortal man. Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do, And foremost on that list of mine Is to watch and care for you. And I will be beside you Every day and week and year, And when you're sad I'm standing there To wipe away the tear. And when you lie in bed at night The days chores put to flight, God and I are closest to you In the middle of the night. When you think of my life on Earth And all those loving years, Because you're only human They are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry It does relieve the pain, Remember there would be no flowers Unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell you Of all that God has planned, But if I were to tell you You wouldn't understand. But one thing is for certain Though my life on Earth is o're, I am closer to you now Than I ever was before. And to my very many friends Trust God knows what is best, I'm still not far away from you I'm just beyond the crest. There are rocky roads ahead of you And many hills to climb, But together we can do it Taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy And I'd like it for you, too, That as you give unto the world So the world will give to you. If you can help somebody Who is in sorrow or in pain, Then you can say to God at night My day was not in vain. And now I am contented That my life it was worthwhile, Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody Who is down and feeling low, Just lend a hand to pick him up As on your way you go. When you are walking down the street And you've got me on your mind, I'm walking in your footsteps Only half a step behind. And when you feel the gentle breeze Or the wind upon your face, That's me giving you a great big hug Or just a soft embrace. And when it's time for you to go From that body to be free, Remember you're not going You are coming here to me. And I will always love you From that land way up above, Will be in touch again soon P.S. God sends his love.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 17, 2011 at 9:23pm

We celebrate with a party at the local shelter. I call each year to find out ages and number of children that are there. We then get all party supplies and a gift for each child. (We have a store here called Dollar Tree where everything is a dollar. You can go to DollarTree.com and order if you do not have one in your area.) We do the same thing at Christmas. It is a great way to pass along a smile and it was something my son did prior to him going into the Army.

Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 17, 2011 at 8:30pm

A friend of mine asked me if I wanted to celebrate Kashmir's life on monday which is her 21st birthday. I was kind of shocked. I do not want to be at the gravesite. What did you do when your child's birthday came around? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 17, 2011 at 6:18pm

Norma - no forgiveness is needed. We all suffer from the same pain -- that of loosing a child before we want to let go. My prayer daily is "God get me through today without a melt-down." Some days I manage quite well. Other days, God says it is time to clean house and deal with some issues. It has bee 4 years since I lost my son, Claude and I still have things that I can't seem to let go of despite how foolish others think it is to hold onto them. I am so thankful for everyone here on this website. At least here I can be myself and talk and others understand. Even my husband has a hard time understanding what I feel. Hugs to all of you. ~Ann

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2011 at 5:01pm

My daughter posted these words on her FB, and they just hit me so hard as to how I feel.  Maybe you will relate to them too.  When will it all come together?  We just passed my sons birthday on Tuesday (June 14) and Wednesday it was 48 weeks since he left us.  I dread Wednesdays and I wish I could stop counting the time.  Next month, July 14 will be one year.  I can't believe I made it a year, but it is still so fresh.  Almost every morning when I wake up I'm reminded he is not here.  I don't hear, 'G'mornin Ma', or 'See ya later', or hear him whistle when he comes in the door to let us know he's home so as not to startle us.  Just the simple things I miss so much, and yesterday was my birthday and I cried almost all day because I missed his hug.  So these lyrics describe my life right now.

 

Back and forth, I sway with the wind 
Resolution slips away again 
Right through my fingers, back into my heart 
Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark 
Sometimes I think I'm blind 
Or I may be just paralyzed 
Because the plot thickens every day 
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away 
But I know, there's a picture beneath 
Indecision clouds my vision 
No one listens... 
Because I'm somewhere in between 
My love and my agony 
You see, I'm somewhere in between 
My life is falling to pieces 
Somebody put me together 
Layin' face down on the ground 
My fingers in my ears to block the sound 
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight 
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight 
Droplets of "yes" and "no" 
In an ocean of "maybe" 
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline 
From the top, another downhill slope of mine 
But I know, the equilibrium's there 
Indecision clouds my vision 
No one listens 
Because I'm somewhere in between 
My love and my agony 
You see, I'm somewhere in between 
My life is falling to pieces 
Somebody put me together

 

You are all in my prayers every day even though I'm not on here.  I'm so sorry that we all are living in this nightmare.  Blessings & hugs.

Comment by Karen R. on June 16, 2011 at 9:46pm

Greetings Lazondral, sweetheart, you did NOT offend me. Absolutely not!  As much as many of us grieve the same is as much as many of us grieve so differently. I, unfortunately, have found no peace. I struggle with the idea of accepting this tragic end to my son's life. I guess accepting it to me, means that it's "OK" and it's really NOT ok with me. I would be a liar if I said it was. I know that all of my anger and pain is not good for my health but I promise you, I can't help it. I am still hoping for some devine intervention to give me peace but it has not come. I wish I had peace, it is taking a toll on me and my children and my family worry about me. It is so hard for me to express to them what I am truly feeling. Sometimes I think if I would reveal some of my thoughts, they would have me committed somewhere. This site is such a good outlet for me. Prior to me losing my son, I used to be happy, I felt so full of life and now I feel so empty, so beat up. Amazingly though, I am able to get up out of bed and be a "mommy" to my child thats in the 1st grade. I believe that she is the one that has kept me from killing myself. I still have thoughts of relieving myself of all of this pain but I would NEVER do it, I will not be that selfish. My children can't handle that added pain and distress. I hope one day I can be comforted by a renewed faith. Thanks again to all who have listened.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on June 16, 2011 at 7:12pm

Lazondral ~ greetings and I pray you are having a good day. No one really understands leukemia or why some get it and others don't. From what I read about your daughter she had great faith and shared it with everyone. That is her legacy. When I was discussing my son's death with a friend a couple of years back he shared some words with me that I try to hold on to especially on the bad days. He told me that everyone is put on this earth with a special purpose from God. And that when we have completed that task then he will sometimes call that person home earlier than we might want. It sounds as if your daughter had done just that. even now you can see in the picture her love of life and a special glow as an angel. I agree with your pastor when he says that God was trying to prepare you for the death of your daughter. God does many wonderful or unusual things when dealing with his children. I would say the dream you had was unusual but trying to help you prepare for what was to come.

Comment by Kar on June 16, 2011 at 6:23pm

LOVE to everyone <3    

 

Comment by Lazondral Nelson (Nicole) on June 16, 2011 at 12:55am

I hope that I did not offend anyone. I do not feel that you are being selfish Karen R. No one wants or expects to lose a child. It does seem unfair and unnatural. I never expected Kashmir to get leukemia either. She had never been sick before. That threw me for a loop. It never entered my mind that she would not live. I can't really say that I would do anything different. I did all that I could for her while she was here. She had no doubts of my love for her. I will forever cherish our moments together. I am so emotionally out of whack to begin with, I really did not know how to react. When my sister and I arrived at the hospital that day, I knew that something was different. They had moved her to ICU because she was having trouble breathing. They took forever letting us in was the first clue. Then 2 of her drs rushed us into a room and told us she had passed away 10 minutes before we got there. I felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. My sister screamed and hollered more than I did. I was shocked and felt numb. I could only call my pastor and barely got out the words. My middle child and only daughter was dead. How could this happen. I thought I was faithful to God. Surely, He would heal her. He had done so to many others. Kashmir served Him. She proclaimed how good He was and how He kept her throughout everything. I work in the church. I could not understand why. I wanted some answers! The next day was hell on earth. I got up as usual and proceded to go to the hospital as usual. Then I realized it was not a nightmare. I told my pastor 2 days prior to her death that for 3 weeks I had a dream that I would go to the hospital and 2 drs would tell me that she did not make it. I was so terrified. I reached out to a friend and would not say what it was for fear that it would happen. We prayed and I stopped having the dream. My pastor asked what I thought about it because I had not experienced it before. I thought that I was being tormented. I will never forget what he said. He said that maybe God was preparing me for something. The pain I feel is agonizing. I would not wish this on anyone. I acknowledge the pain but choose to focus on the positives. I refuse to become bitter but better. That poison will kill you. I do not do well with a lot of negativity. I hold on to my faith, family and friends for dear life. I have 2 other children that need me here. Kashmir would not want me to stop living. Her motto was "tomorrow is not promised, yesterday is gone ... so live today as if it were your last!" She even had a bucketlist! Cast all your cares on Him for he cares for you. Jesus is the only one keeping me right now. There are many days that He provides the strength to get me through. His grace and mercy follows me everywhere I go. I will never forget Kashmir. No one will ever take her place. She definitely left her mark on this world. I want to do the same. Thank you to everyone who has shared. Keep sharing. You are blessing someone else!

Comment by Karen R. on June 15, 2011 at 9:26pm

Greetings everyone. Thanks to everyone for always willing to listen and be non-judgemental. My heart will forever be broken.

 

Hello Ann, just wanted to tell you that you are not "ranting", we all understand and would NEVER take it that way. I am sorry that anyone has to experience this magnitude of pain.  Hello Lazondral, your daughter has a beautiful smile! I hope that one day the faith that I had will be renewed. I am so angry, I feel that my once strong faith has all been in vain. I took for granted that all of my children would outlive me, not the other way around. I keep trying to think of a way to "FIX" this!  I am still hoping that this has all been one huge mistake. You would be surprised about some of the crazy thoughts I have. I just feel so frustrated because I simply want my son back. You are right about this being a crazy roller coaster ride. I know that I am supposed to be grateful for the 21 yrs I have had my son but I guess I am selfish, 21yrs is way too soon for me! The bottom line is no parent wants to bury their child no matter how old they are, no matter what the circumstances are.  Hello Karen C., I am so sorry to hear about the loss of you and your husband's children, how devastating. I hope that your grandchild can provide you with some type of comfort.Even though my son was only 21yrs old, I wish he had a child before he passed away, I long for that so much now. My son would have been a great dad.

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