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Comment by Bobbi Durbin on July 15, 2011 at 4:12pm

I know Lisa..wouldn't it be wonderful just to be alone....  I know that my family and husband want to be with me to help me along and I certainly wouldn't push them away intentionally.  They are all hurting too.  They've all lost a huge part of them.    I'm so fortunate to have them.  But I think I just need a little time alone.  I don't want them all to go too far, just in case I don't want to be alone anymore.  I don't know what I want....I'm crazy.  I'm still lost.

Comment by Lisa Adams on July 15, 2011 at 11:11am

Bobbie hugs to you too!  I have been telling my boyfriend for weeks now that I want to go away somewhere for a long weekend, just me.  Rent a hotel room or cabin at the lake, and have three days where I can just grieve! Scream, cry, whatever i feel like I need to do! I asked my counselor about it and he thought it was actually a good idea. He even encouraged me to take scrapbooks and pictures of Roxanne and even a notebook so that I could write her letters!

Comment by Lisa Adams on July 15, 2011 at 10:52am

Hugs to you Melissa! I recently went through the one month mark myself. It was the hardest day! I know what you mean too about everything moving so fast and yet so slowly at the same time. It's as if the world is spinning wildly around us and we are standing still. I am reminded of the scene in the third Pirates of the Carribean movie where the guy is walking in slow motion down the steps of the ship while a battle rages around him and the very ship is being blasted apart. That's how I feel a lot of the time.

 I want to encourage you though to remember that God has not left you, even when it feel likes He has. And just because you can't find the words to pray (I have that problem too), He still knows your heart, knows the pain you are going through. And it's ok to be angry at God. He understands and can take it. :-) 

 I have had my moments where I was so angry with Him. Why didn't He heal her! So many people prayed for her to be healed! But in a way she was. She received the ultimate healing!  When the doctors brought her back the second time, they were going to put her on ECHMO life support but they told me plainly that if she survived, she would have permanent kidney and lung damage, possible brain damage and would have to endure several painful skin graft surgeries.  I console myself with the knowledge that at least God was merciful and she didn't have to endure all that on top of the disease she was battling that had no name, no treatment, and no cure. I know that's not the case for many of you here but it is that thought that keeps from going insane.

One thing I did that seemed to help me as well some of Roxanne's closest friends, I had a brunch one Sunday and all her friends came and we ate Roxanne's favorite, Mexican food! Then I allowed them each to go in her room and choose a little memento of hers to keep.  I asked them to write in journal what items they took and why it was important to them.  some of the responses I got were surprising but they were all sweet, and I will cherish that journal for the rest of my life!  It is a comfort to me to read and see what an impact my young daughter had on other people's lives.

Melissa I will offer prayers for you especially today and for all of us that are members in this awful club.  Love and Peace to You

Lisa

Comment by Melissa Szuch on July 15, 2011 at 10:10am

Morning All,

Yesterday was the 30 day marker, I think the antidepressants are helping I of course am still sad the tears just dont flood like rain.  I have to go over Sarahs house today and pick up a few things and see what needs to be done, so my mom can rent it. Seems to be moving to fast... I understand why it needs to be done its part of a trust and my mom has been paying the rent for accounting purposes.  Whatever the reason still not looking forward to it. 

Karen I am so sorry to hear about your relationship, and hope if it is your wish the two of you can make it back. This process is such a personal one, and our spouses have no clue as to the pain. I wish my spouse could spend the day in my body to know how it truely feels.

I used to have such a strong relationship with God, prayed about everything.. Now I cant form words to talk with him. I feel a though pieces of myself are falling off. I am looking for joy and peace, have found none yet.  Just emptiness.

Have a good day all

Comment by Melissa Szuch on July 14, 2011 at 5:03pm

AMEN Bobbi, the more you talk the less crazy I feel !  :)

Comment by Bobbi Durbin on July 14, 2011 at 4:32pm

I'vd had people tell me that I had to "move on" too.  OMG!!  I don't think I can ever move on.  My baby boy is gone!!  Yes, he was 28.  Yes, I'll see him again.  Yes, I know you pray for me.  Yes, I know he's in heaven with all those that went before.  Yes, I have to be strong.  I just want to SCREAM!!  Really, I'd like to just be left alone for a little while.  So I can process all of this.  So I can cry or scream or talk to him or what ever I want to do.  Just want to be left alone with my grief.......just for a little while.

Comment by Karen R. on July 14, 2011 at 2:50pm

Dear Frances, oh how my heart aches over your pain, such a tragedy!  It was NOT a pretty site of my son either when my son was In ICU for that week, I too am tormented by the pictures in my mind, I am so so sorry.

Comment by Karen R. on July 14, 2011 at 2:40pm

Hello everyone. My grief over my son most definitely caused the separation of me and my husband. He is not my son's biological father. He was also very supportive for the first 4-5 months. He kept telling me how I needed to "get over", too!!!!  Those were the wrong words. He made my anger triple!  I had so much resentment towards him, that just pushed me even further away. I felt like he stabbed me in my heart.......what little is left, it came across so cold and insensitive to me. He swore that he didn't mean it that way but thats how I took it. He use to tell me that he felt like he was watching me kill myself slowly and I use to tell him that I was already dead. He kept begging me to be like I was before I lost my son and all that did was make me feel like he was being selfish.  It got really bad, I physically attacked him one day ...... and he is a big guy....when he complained to our child that he had a 'headache" and play her game with her. When i heard him say that, I rushed into the room and I started screaming and I started to beat him up, I punched him as hard as I could. I went into a rage because my son passed away from a massive brain injury and he spent one week in ICU fighting for his life until he was robbed of it, I was thinking the nerve of him to complain about a "little" headache, my son had a "real" headache! I felt like he was whining. Thank goodness he did not respond with anger or hit me back, he just tried to hold me until I calmed down. It was horrible, I felt so bad afterwards, especially since our young child witnessed that. Now I realize how that was irrational behavior  but these losses can make you crazy. He probably got it the worst because he was the closest to me. I decided then that I would have to leave, he honestly thought that he was helping me by telling me to accept what has happened and move on. We are still separated, by my choice, it's better this way for me but not for him. He hasn't given up on trying to get me to move back. I am considering it for our child's sake.

Comment by Karen R. on July 14, 2011 at 2:12pm

Greetings Bobbi.....I am also thankful for everyone's support by sharing their feelings. I definitely don't feel alone but unfortanetly, that's kind of sad. I wish we all lived in the "perfect" world, where we would NEVER experience the loss of a child.

Comment by Karen R. on July 14, 2011 at 2:08pm

Hey Ann, I know what you mean by wanting this sadness to go away. I still toss and turn every night, I agonize over the thought of when it will be years that go by without my son. Before I agonized over days, then months and now it will be the years. That's why for me, I try to avoid counting because I can not accept all of this as being a reality. Hopefully my faith will be fully restored because as of since the loss of my son, I barely have any. Praying doesn't comfort me and that's bad. I would be a liar if I said it does. There are many faiths, beliefs and customs and I think it's great if any of those things give someone comfort or peace, especially when going through such a tremendous loss.

Thanks again for your support.

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