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Comment by Melissa Szuch on July 17, 2011 at 8:42am

Hi Ladies,

Sandra I can relate to your statement that no one needs you like your baby did, that is how I feel about Sarah. I am fortunate that I do have a wonderful daughter , son, son-in-law and three beautiful grand children.  As a matter of fact if it werent for my daughter Laura I dont know where I would be she hold me and crys with me. The only time that my mind is at rest is when I am at her house holding or playing with my grand children.  When I am left alone my mind goes back to the sadness and loss that I feel.  Last nights trigger was "Do you think she knew that I loved her?" I know that she did and have the cell phone messages and the texts on my phone to replay.  So why do I doubt?  Why do I play her death over and over in my mind?  am I some sort of sadist that I want to feel the pain over an over? No It is just something that happens I wont even be thinking about my beautiful daughter and it slams me out fo no where... She is gone, how am I going to make it without you?  I love you Sarah, I miss you so much it hurts

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on July 16, 2011 at 9:30pm

I thought about this on several occasions.  Taking my life so that I could be with my son Sam.  I confided in someone about it and they brought up something I didn't think about.  If I took my life, there are no guarantees that I would be with Sam.  That maybe I would go to a different place in heaven?  With that thought, it scared me.  Because if I took my life to be with Sam and couldn't be with him afterwards, that would be the worst hell.  Worst than being here and going through this god awful pain every day.  It's so confusing... the not knowing.

 

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on July 16, 2011 at 5:56pm

Karen, Lisa and Bobbi. Thank you for talking to me. Karen I don't have any other children or any grandkids. There are people who love me but no one that NEEDS me like my baby did. I feel like if the people that do love me could get even a glimpse of what it is like to be me they would let me go. Why do I have to suffer so they can feel better? Yes I know how selfish that sounds, but this is the only place I can be honest about it, I don't care. I do not have a relationship with my mother that even comes close to what I had with Kasey. Sometimes I would only talk to her twice a year, so I know she would hurt but in my heart i don't feel like she would be devastated like I am.

Bobbi, I am not as careful as I used to be. The cemetery is at the end of a dark road in the woods. I stay out there at night by myself sometimes, I take long walks in the dark on our unlit country roads. I used to be scared to not have health insurance, now I hope I catch something.

Lisa, I am the same way I tell everyone to leave me alone and then panic when they do. My counselor tells me not to come on here so much because it doesn't do me any good to read that people are 2, 5 and 10 years in to this and it doesn't get better. it only gets different. Why suffer so much to just get different?

I promised myself I won't do anything until Kasey's headstone comes in November but that seems like a lifetime away.

I just want my daughter back :( Sandy

Comment by Lisa Adams on July 16, 2011 at 11:28am

For me the suicidal thoughts are just beginning.  Especially when I'm left at home alone.  It's funny because I want to be alone to grieve, but if I'm left alone at home I become panic stricken! I want to move so badly but can't afford it right now. I feel trapped!!!!

Comment by Bobbi Durbin on July 16, 2011 at 11:02am

I don't think about the act of killing myself but I do think about it happening... accidentally.  If something life threatening were to happen I just don't think I would react to prevent it.  It's like what ever happens happens. 

 

Comment by Karen R. on July 15, 2011 at 10:16pm

Hey Sandra, to be perfectly honest, those thoughts still run through my mind. The reason that I decided that I won't go through with it, is because of my children, mainly my youngest, she just turned 7. She was only 5 going on 6 when she lost her big brother. She still is sad over her brother and very, very angry at the people that are responsible. My doctor had prescribed Ambien and Valium the day after my son passed away. My mother called him and he phoned in the order. I doubled up on the Valium the morning of my son's funeral. That was probably a good thing because it kept me from killing my self that day. I was so drugged up that I cant remember half the people that were there, even the ones that hugged and kissed me and had conversations with me. The service did not seem real to me. I felt like a shell there, just watching and in total shock. I now regret that I even attended......I telling myself this was some big mistake that I can fix and that my son is really ok.  My little one witnessed me at my lowest, too many times. Her seeing me like this was too much for her to handle but I couldn't help it. She was so worried and she cried with me all the time. One day she said to me " mommy, you are always sad and you are always crying", she said " I know you want to be with my big brother in heaven but you would have to die and if that happens, I won't have a big brother or a mommy anymore, so I will think of a way to die too, so we can all be together". When she said that, my heart broke all over again. It's strange because that was the day when I decided I was going to do it. I was going to end my torturous pain and take all of those pills, at that point I thought that I couldn't be a mother to any of my children, I couldn't be a wife, a daughter or a friend but when she hugged me and told me that through her tears, I flushed ALL of those pills down the toilet. I decided to suffer through this pain because I didn't want to cause anyone that loves me, more pain. I tell everyone that she is the one that saved me. I have no doubt that if it wasn't for her, I would have done it already.

I truly understand your thoughts, our pain can reach levels where it becomes unbearable but please don't do it, think about our others will be devastated, including me! I will always be willing to listen, keep writing!

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on July 15, 2011 at 9:44pm

Karen,

Do you feel that you are out of the danger zone for suicide? Because I don't. I don't have plans but it crosses my mind a lot as a way to escape the pain. I'm not "allowed" to have my medications. I get handed my daily dose and that's it.

Comment by Karen R. on July 15, 2011 at 9:31pm

Hey Lisa, Bobbi and everyone. I know what you mean about wanting to be by yourself sometimes. For me, the time I spend in my car driving alone, is the best for me. I am sure that there are many other drivers on the rode that think I'm crazy because sometimes I scream, I sob, I talk to my son, all while I'm driving. It's good for me too when everyone leaves the house and it's just me and I don't have to worry about them telling me to relax and let go. I think they feel pretty confident that I am out of the danger zone for wanting to commit suicide, because there was a period when I was never left alone. You guys, I am hurting so bad, I am so sad, so broken, thanks for listening.

Comment by Bobbi Durbin on July 15, 2011 at 4:12pm

I know Lisa..wouldn't it be wonderful just to be alone....  I know that my family and husband want to be with me to help me along and I certainly wouldn't push them away intentionally.  They are all hurting too.  They've all lost a huge part of them.    I'm so fortunate to have them.  But I think I just need a little time alone.  I don't want them all to go too far, just in case I don't want to be alone anymore.  I don't know what I want....I'm crazy.  I'm still lost.

Comment by Lisa Adams on July 15, 2011 at 11:11am

Bobbie hugs to you too!  I have been telling my boyfriend for weeks now that I want to go away somewhere for a long weekend, just me.  Rent a hotel room or cabin at the lake, and have three days where I can just grieve! Scream, cry, whatever i feel like I need to do! I asked my counselor about it and he thought it was actually a good idea. He even encouraged me to take scrapbooks and pictures of Roxanne and even a notebook so that I could write her letters!

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