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Comment by Lisa Adams on July 20, 2011 at 6:33pm

Thanks Ann and Karen.  I actually talked him into going to my counseling appointment with me today and he stayed all of 10 minutes before getting in a huff over something he THOUGHT the counselor said and left. He was looking for a reason to get angry so he could justify to himself for not being there. The counselor actually told me, after my mate left, that I shouldn't make any life altering decisions right now while I'm so over the edge emotionally. So I've decided to just shut up and not let him get to me if at all possible.  I have plenty of friends that are more than happy to give out hugs and affection. I hate that it's not the person that should be there the most. Especially after all I've done for him. But Oh well.

Comment by Karen R. on July 20, 2011 at 6:29pm

Hey Ann and everyone. This this a great forum to vent. I f it wasn't for forums like this, I don't know where I would be now. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, at times to have people truly understand what we are feeling and why we are feeling this way, if they are not experiencing it.

Thanks

Comment by Ann Edmondson on July 20, 2011 at 5:36pm

Lisa -- Karen R is right. Do not let this jerk get to you. Tell him if he thinks it is so bad to pack his junk and move out.  You said your place is basically free. If it is government housing who ever is listed first on the lease has main possession and you can force him to move. You do not nee his BS!! I do recommend that you find you some counseling. There are many free programs out there for those of us who have lost loved ones. Check with your local library or newspaper listings. For me it was getting involved with my church and having a strong support through them. We should never have to bury our children. And until someone has walked in those shoes they can not understand the pain we are in. And you are always welcome to vent here in this forum. There are no right or wrong ways to feel at any particular time. You will find that you have good days when you remember the fun things about your child. Then there will be other days when you just want to crawl in a hole. Trust me, it has been four and a half years since I lost my son. I still have those days.

Comment by Karen R. on July 20, 2011 at 4:52pm

Hey Lisa, thank goodness my husband was not as harsh as your mate. Since you asked........kick him to the curb!!!!  At this point, I am sure that you won't consider him a lost! You don't need that extra stress and pain. Most people in our shoes need that extra TLC. Sometimes we may only require a hug, or just a ear for listening or we may want to be left alone. Our emotions are all over the place and they shouldn't take our actions personal because it's not intended that way. They have to try to understand that are no rules or time limits on how we grieve and mourn. Somedays we made need to scream and/or cry all day, all night. We might feel like killing ourself but we don't expect others that claim to love us, tell us to go ahead because we are getting on their nerves! They don't understand that other people's complaints sound so petty to us and that if you catch us on a bad day, their "threats" of leaving us or cutting us off, really don't matter.

Maybe something will change for the better with him and he will finally "get it" before it's too late. Sorry that you are going through this.

Comment by Lisa Adams on July 20, 2011 at 1:02pm

I really don't know where to turn, what to do.  My mate doesn't give me the emotional support that I need and our relationship is crumbling fast. I really want to move out but if I do then I would have very little money to live on each month.  Not that he makes much of a contribution anyway, because the home we live in now is basically free. he constantly picks fights with me over STUPID things. Then tells me that my grief his getting on his nerves to the point that he's just going to leave. Fine leave, quit threatening me like you think I'm scared for you to go. I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!!!  I'm trying not to kill myself and he's barking at me about how I get on his nerves! What should I do?

Comment by Karen R. on July 18, 2011 at 6:15pm

Greetings Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a son when I was 4 months pregnant and I lost my 21 yr old son, 18, 19 or 20 months ago....I don't like to count. I understand the pain of losing a child all to well. It doesn't matter how old your child is when you lose them, it feels so unnatural. I am sorry that I don't have any comforting or encouraging words but I can say that writing my feelings helps because I need my feelings validated and not judged. My heart will forever be broken and I cant imagine ever healing from this, I can only speak what I feel for this moment. I think there is a specific group on this site that consists of parents/members that lost children while they were pregnant, any one you chose does not matter because this is a tragic lost. We are all here for support. I am sorry for your pain.

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on July 18, 2011 at 3:21pm

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Rosie, I know what you are saying. My father is a devout Catholic and he is sure I will be in hell if I do. Personally I don't believe that. I think that God knows the difference between someone who is suffering and simply can't take any more and someone who is evil. The Baptist pastor I spoke to told me that as long as I accept Jesus my past, present and future (suicide) sins will be forgiven and I will go to heaven like everyone else. My nephew who is majoring in philosophy say that dead is dead and there is nothing else. I think about these things all the time. I'm so confused. There is also a man that writes on here about the pain of his wife's suicide and I don't know if I can do that to my husband. But most of the time I feel like a big baby having a temper tantrum by saying I just don't care about any of you I just want it over

Comment by Lisa Adams on July 18, 2011 at 1:18pm

Thanks Karen and Bobbi.  I relate to your comment about your older children. My only other child is 23 now and lives miles away in another state. He has a great job and an exciting future ahead of him and I'm soooo happy for him. But at the same time, I feel like I've lost my identity. I feel like I don't have a purpose anymore. 

 

My friend told me though that my purpose was to carry my daughter's legacy for her, so I'm trying to find my strength again so that I can do that. I just feel so alone.  I just wish I had someone that would hold me and me let me hide for just a little while.

Comment by Karen R. on July 17, 2011 at 10:43pm

Dear Lisa, I usually keep my opinion to my self about someone's partner but I am sorry, that was cold what he did....better yet, what he DIDN'T do!  How insensitive could someone be? Thank goodness you had your friend. I hope that you don't need him for a damn thing!  So sorry.

Comment by Karen R. on July 17, 2011 at 10:38pm

Oh sweet Sandra, I am so sorry. I really do know how you feel, all I can say is thank goodness for my little one. Some people think that sounds so cruel like the rest of my children don't matter but that is not the case. I guess it's just that incident I had with her when she voiced her concerns and fears. In some sort of irrational way, I feel like my other children are older and don't "need' me as much. The would argue that is so not true. We all have different circumstances and support systems in our lives. If you feel as though you don't have anyone, at least please try to use all of us, use this site or others.  I have mentioned before how one of my older children tries to discourage me from being on this site. She made me so angry. There is no one else that I can talk to that truly gets it. The bottom line is I just want my son back too!  I still need the universe to know that I will forever look for my son and I want the world to stop until I find him. I just can't accept any of this. 

thanks again for at least listening.

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