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Comment by Jodi Denton on August 23, 2011 at 5:49pm

Karen,

I do suggest that anyone who is grieving get involved with some kind of class,club or association so that is awesome that you are going to get involved at a school. I tell myself when I am at school or work that I cannot think of my son. Of course there are alot of times thoughts of him or what happened still sneek in but I tell myself to stop and that I will think about it when I get home. I dont do this because I dont love my son or dont want to think about him, honestly that is all I want to do but I cant fail out of school and I cant get fired for having a nervous breakdown either so i dont have much other choice. At first when i went back to work and school I didnt want to be there, I just wanted to be home crying and when someone would smile at me I would find it hard to smile back and I actually felt like I wanted to flip them off or something but then they didnt know what had happened and they didnt know my life had turned to hell so I started smiling back, at first it felt fake because I didnt feel like smiling at anyone for any reason but then I thought about it and realized that they were just trying to be nice and I really needed somone to be nice to me at that time ( still do). And now I return their smiles and I feel it more often than not just for a second...any happiness is welcome even if it only lasts a second. My sadness is so deep I welcome any break form it even though it comes right back. 

Comment by Karen R. on August 23, 2011 at 5:25pm

Hey Jodi, I know that it is hard to find comfort but you are probably right about finding other activities for distraction. I plan on volunteering at my youngest school again this year.

Comment by Jodi Denton on August 23, 2011 at 5:10pm

Dear Ammy and Karen,

Thank you for replying to me and I am sorry for both of your losses.I truely am.I wouldnt wish this hell on anyone. Ammy, My son passed away sometime in the early hours of July 13.. sometime after midnight.. I really dont know when becuase I never got the autopsy report.. I still dont know why he died either. I know what you mean by hearing the door open and expecting to see him, I do the same thing.. he had certain times that he would come home and still even after a year, I still look towards the door at those times even though I know he isnt comming and feel worse that I let myself do it. I still buy 2 candybars out of habit and cry when I see them in the bag and realize what I have done without thinking. Buying things for my son was a habit that I enjoyed and it is hard for me to stop. I know some people would think that is crazy.

Karen, My son was 2 months shy of being 20 years old. He had finally decided 6 months before to get himself together and enrolled himself in school to become a diesel mechanic. In the weeks just before his death I saw him changing in amazing ways he was more polite, cleaning up his own messes, finding his own ride home from school, doing his own laundry and applying for jobs daily. he would call or text me a couple times a day to check on me. he was becomming a better son and a better human being, so reading what you wrote got to me. I wanted to see how he was going to "turn out".And it makes me all the more sad that he was finally getting it and trying to grow up and get somewhere in his life... he was really trying hard and that makes me really upset and I do feel jipped on some level and feel angry. I was looking forward to see what kind of an adult he was going to turn out to be. I was looking forward to giving him away at his wedding because his dad, my ex-husband died in '07 and wasnt in his life much. I had been both mother and father to him since he was 3. I was looking forward to him having his own children so I could say " I told you it wasnt easy." I know he would have been a good father, he loved children and I am having a hard time with the fact that not only his dreams are gone but also the dreams I had for him are gone... I am having a hard time finding new dreams because honestly, he was my joy.. its hard, we were very close and had always planned on always living together,if not living together in the same house, living very close together..that was his idea so it is even more crushing that he is gone. I dont know that I am in a place to give much advice but I will say that it has made me feel alot better going to classes and suggest anyone who is grieving in involved in something that will get them out of their house and mentally away from their grief for even a little while.

Comment by Karen R. on August 22, 2011 at 10:47pm

Hello Jodi, Ammy and everyone. It's like what the both of you posted, I posted it. It's sad that we are all connected in this grief from the loss of our children but at least we do have support here from others that truly understand. I am still struggling with the thought or expectations of others, that I will be "ok" with all of this one day. "OK".....how can I ever be "OK"?!  What's "OK" about burying your child? I know that somewhere, way down deep, I should be grateful for each sunrise but instead, it's just become a cruel reminder that my son passed away. It still makes me feel angry. As much as my thoughts of the joy of my pregnancy with my son, and different moments throughout his life, like his favorite bike when he was 6 yrs old that he almost passed out when he saw it for the first time, he was beyond excited, Iike his Big Bird birthday cake when he was 2 yrs old and so many more........is as fast as my thoughts become angry and sad and I end up feeling broken. My son is not a "MEMORY" to me......he's my son. I was supposed to share those memories with him and his future children, I was supposed to make a speech one day at his wedding. I never imagined that my son would be robbed of his life at 21yrs old. 

This experience is definitely showing me how fragile life really is and how petty most things are that people complain about.....I use to complain about things that are now so insignificant. My joy that I thought I once had in my life is gone. I took for granted that my children would always be here with me until I left them, not the other way around.

It's like I am feeling the same thing that people don't want to listen to me "complain" or be around my sadness all the time but those same ones, all have there children.

Thanks for listening, I cry with you guys.

Comment by Ammy on August 22, 2011 at 8:40pm

Jodi, what can I say except that I understand.  I considered my son my best friend too and I just noticed that we lost them one day apart.  My son's death is recorded as July 14, 2010.  I think it's good that you have work and school.  I am at home and the quiet is overwhelming sometimes.  I still look towards the door when I think I hear it and expect him to walk in.  I don't know how much better it will get, but I don't believe it will ever go away.  I know I will have this pain with me for the rest of my life, but I pray it eases up.  I can only imagine how hard this is for you.  I can't seem to think straight right now.  I'm sorry.  My mind won't let me concentrate.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  Just know I'm thinking of you and care.  Blessings.

Comment by Jodi Denton on August 22, 2011 at 8:20pm

It's been a year and I still miss my son so bad it feels like I could die from it. There is no one in my life that cares to hear about it anymore.. they have all "moved on".I suffer alone and still go through wild emotions like loving him tremendously one minute and then being so angry at him that I wish I could call him just to scream at him for leaving me (it wasnt his fault so that doesnt make sense.) . I have learned how to hide my grief infront of other people to make them feel more comfortable but it makes me feel fake and like a liar...but I realize people are over it and no longer wish to be a part of my grief. I am attending school and work full time and that has helped me more than anything because I dont let myself think about my son while I am at work or school but on weekends and holidays when I am home I am a mess and I dont know how to get it together but I am getting alot of practice at looking like I have it together which actually makes me feel worse. Some days my grief is so intense that I am literally paralysed with it and do absoultely nothing but cry. Knowing the pain is never going to get any better leaves me with little hope and I am lost in the struggle to find out who I really am since I am not "Mom" anymore and how to forge a new life now that my son (who was also my best friend) is gone. I am intersted in hearing from anyone who would like to be friends, I dont necessisarily need to talk about my son or my grief constantly, I would just like to have a friend that could understand if I am not mary sunshine all the time.

Comment by Ammy on August 22, 2011 at 2:43pm

Thinking of you all & hoping you are doing okay.  Noticed that everyone seems to be quiet right now.  I hope that is for the good and not bad.  Blessings to all.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on August 12, 2011 at 8:38pm

My prayers are with you over the loss of your daughter. I do not know anything about the illness she had but losing a child in any fashion is devastating. In regards to this woman wanting lab reports -- tell her they are confidential, you are not sending her anything, then block her. Personally I think she may have a screw loose. (Pardon me if that is too blunt. Been one of those days.)

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on August 12, 2011 at 5:50pm

Lisa,

I was going to say send her a copy of a picture until I read the part about the lab reports. Now I agree with Ann , I think you should block her.

Sandy

Comment by Lisa Adams on August 12, 2011 at 5:08pm

Thanks Ann that's a good idea.  I think one of the things this woman is after is someone to support her through her illness, but I simply cannot be that person. Surely she can understand that! I lost my baby to that horribe disease, I don't want to hear about someone else's battle with it, not right now.  Today, she sent me a message and asked me to send copies of Roxanne's lab reports!

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