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Comment by Karen R. on September 11, 2011 at 8:16pm

Hey Lorraine, I too always hope for moments of peace for us all. I am glad but yet saddened that I am not alone in regards to "searching" for my son.  Having other children does not make up for the loss of one, one does not replace another. We never want to bury any of our children, it's just not an option. There were many days that I did not want to be "mommy" to anyone after the loss of my son.  As time has passed, I push forward to be there for my other loved ones because I know they still need me. My heart is with all of you guys also.

Comment by Lorraine on September 11, 2011 at 6:17pm

It seems so common for many of us to continue to "search" for that person who looks like our child; I do this as well, and have another friend who lost her son and she has had such difficulty accepting that it isn't.  Ultimately the young men I look at are never as sparkly as Silas was, of course :-)  but it never stops me from searching.  Today felt really hard for me; it is coming up on the diagnosis time of my son's cancer in October and it is also his birthday during that time.  He went into the hospital via ambulance to the ER on October 1, 2007; they took an exray for what they thought was a pinched nerve ~ half his c4 vertabra was eaten away by cancer.  October 1 is his oldest sister's birthday; and Sy's is 4 days later, they were born 3 years apart...  so this is a time to celebrate my beautiful children, and yet it is also so full of sorrow.  Not that any day feels easy, it hasn't been yet. But I don't ever want the grief to be more than the joy of having Silas in my life and being his mom.  I wish our children would come back too, Karen; my  heart goes out to everyone here every day.  This has been hell...  I hope that everyone finds little moments of peace, that is my wish for this day.  I am not religious, do not judge whatever works for anyone else; I just CANNOT accept that my son is gone & it would piss him off if I referred to him as my "angel child" haha.  That would make him mad, although I respect those who refer to their children as angels.  Silas would be like "really, Mom???  seriously stop now."  He was very funny & oh, I could go on, so I will just shut up.  Feeling the loss  :-(

Comment by Karen R. on September 8, 2011 at 9:31pm

Hello Melissa, Lorraine and everyone. That's an understatement that the lost of child is too much to bare! I can NOT "handle" this one minute. I almost got into a car accident today because I thought I saw my son talking to another person on the sidewalk. I wanted him to be my son, he looked just like him. Accepting that it was not him only made me angry. I am finding that more and more, to get through the days, I convince myself that nothing ever happened to my son, I tell myself that my mind is playing tricks on me or I am having a nightmare.  I still feel like  the best place for my son is here, with me and his family. 

I wish I could give each and everyone of you a hug but most of all. I wish I could somehow give you your child back......safe and sound.

Comment by Lorraine on September 7, 2011 at 7:36pm

Melissa, I always hate when people say things like God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  Losing my son is more than I can handle.  Losing a child is more than most people can handle...  I am sorry that you lost your daughter Sarah.  I am glad you have your daughter Laura to help you through.  My girls have been a tremendous help to me as well.  Sending love

Comment by Melissa Szuch on September 7, 2011 at 8:21am

Hi guys, I had to get off this page for a minute and see if I could stop reliving the pain that I feel. Its NEVER going to go away. I see her in everything and I am so mad at God right now. I dont get the plan, I know that my daughter was miserable here on earth. It says in the bible that God will never give us more than we can handle. Well this is pushing the ticket. Over the past few weeks a very close friend of mine shared with me that she lost a child herself. She and I have been close friends for years and she never told me about it. I was shocked I do understtand about not talking about it. My pain is just that mine, when the tears come I go out into the game room with her ashes,picture, and a lock of her hair and wail. I used to be such a happy person. I was holding my 1 month old grandson and I started to sing you are my sunshine, I could not finish the song. Even in Sarahs adult life I would leave that as a message on her phone.  My sunshine is gone, its not coming back. We have started a new bussiness and in the shop I am opening up a little shop inside called Sarahs Secrets. It is something that she and I had talked about and I will see that all the way threw. I dont know where I would be emotionally without my daughter Laura. She is going threw it as I am. We laugh, talk and cry together. I wish there was something special that I could do for each and everyone of you ladies to ease your pain if only for a day

Comment by Jodi Denton on September 3, 2011 at 12:39am

I agree, I dont leave my kids out when I am asked if I have children but sometimes I wish people wouldnt even ask. I hate the way " I have had 2 sons but they both are no longer living." sounds coming out of my mouth. I relive it when I say it and I hate the look on the peoples faces who asked me and they never know what to say...what would I say if someone said that to me?... I dont know.

Comment by Karen R. on August 24, 2011 at 11:04pm

Hey Jodi, I totally agree with Ann's last comment. She's right, do not hide your feelings, the only way that they will truly understand, is if they have suffered the loss of their child and if they haven't, then good for them. You handle it however it's best for you.....at that moment. For me, when I am asked how many children I have, I always include my son, sometimes I say he passed away and sometimes I don't, but I never leave him out of the count, he will always be my son. I don't sugar coat, the "how are you question". just like they may not intentionally be trying to upset me is the same way they should not take my response personally. Our emotions are like a crazy roller coaster ride.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on August 24, 2011 at 10:13am

Jodi ~ Often the people who refuse to talk to us again are not worth worrying about in the first place as they are not worth it. Please know that here on this forum you can say and cry to your hearts content and we all will send you those so desperate needed hugs. It has been four and a half years since I lost my son. I decided after a couple of years of trying to fake those happy smiles that I am just honest with people. I let them know exactly how I feel whether it is a good day or a bad day (or moment for that matter). When you start trying to fake your emotions you set yourself up for failure and feel worse. Say with pride that you gave birth to two wonderful boys then state unfortunately they are no longer on this earth. Those who are willing to understand will be there for you. The rest can go fly a kite! Until they have walked in our shoes they will never fully understand.

Comment by Jodi Denton on August 24, 2011 at 9:46am

Although I have learned to smile on demand. I have also learned to control my tears... I make excuses to leave the room and hide around the corner or in the bathroom and cry just for a second.. like it is some kind of release valve and if I dont do it I will explode. But you are right karen, even when I am not pysically crying the tears are still there on the inside.. I can feel them running down my heart constantly. I hate when someone at school asks me directly if I have kids.. I want to say no and leave it at that but I cant because it feels like a am betraying my sons by denying they ever existed so I have to tell them " I had 2 sons but they are both no longer living." then the person doesnt know what to say and generally wont ever talk to me again.I dont understand that reaction. If I knew someone like that I would do anything I could to be nice and understanding but that is not what I have found from other people they mostly just wont ever talk or even look at me again and it makes me feel like I have a disease they dont want to catch.

Comment by Karen R. on August 23, 2011 at 8:22pm

I also know about that all too well......feeling fake by smiling back but I do realize that people are just trying to be nice. I think to myself, wow, they have no clue that the tears are flowing on the inside even when they can't be seen on the outside.

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