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Comment by Sandra LaBonte on November 14, 2011 at 6:01pm

Karen, You always write what i am feeling. I go the cemetery and accident scene and keep it  clean also. I just got back. We have tried to give Kasey sod 3 times now and it keeps dying. We finally got some that is growing. The only water out there is a 100 year old hand pump. I'm the crazy lady out there every day pumping and filling up the 5 gallon bucket until I'm exhausted. But dammit Kasey is going to have green grass if it kills me. i don't care what anybody thinks

Comment by Karen R. on November 14, 2011 at 4:57pm

Hey Terri and everyone. I just wanted to say, that for me, I went to a session for group counseling and I did not feel entised to go back. I didn't feel like I could be open as I truly wanted to be. Because of the circumstances of my son's accident/murder and the ongoing investigation of my son's case, I did not feel comfortable to say my true feelings......you never know who knows who. Then it was suggested to me about one on one counseling and for some of the same reasons I opted out of that. I also feel that my anger would only intensify if a therapist told me to move out of the past and go forward with the "new".....the new normal. I think I would have flipped out if someone "suggested" that I shouldn't go to the cemetary.......this has become a part of my new "normal", going to my son's final resting place and maintaining his memorial display at the "accident" site. I feel like that's the least I can do. He was robbed of the chance to grow into a prosperous adult, where he could have maybe had his own place and I could drop by to annoy him and clean up for him.........my son was no neat freak! At least I can keep his resting place tidy and clean. I know I sound crazy but that's because I am. Maybe there will come a time when I feel like I can't go there but for now that's something I need. I am on an emotional roller coaster. I just can't fathom a "therapist" telling me to "snap" out or it....so to speak. I'm sure that there are many professionals out there that would never tell me that but I am much more comfortable on a site such as this one. It helps tremendously for me to have my feelings validated by people who truly understand. I basically don't need or want anyone to tell me how to grieve or mourn for the loss of my son. My family is truly concerned about my well being but I have shut most of them out, I don't like to share my true emotions with them because they all just want me to stop and let go, that only makes me feel angry and alone. If they look at me and see that I am not outwardly crying or sobbing, they equate that to me being "OK", what they don't realize is that I am still not "OK" and my tears are always flowing on the inside.     Thanks to everyone for listening sharing.

Comment by Sandra LaBonte on November 14, 2011 at 3:26pm

Lisa, I understand the tasks completely. I have just finished working on the organ donor tribute, my daughter's headstone and a quilt made from her clothes. If I don't find another task soon I will lose whats left of my mind

 

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 14, 2011 at 10:27am

Adrianne, I have found my griel counselor to be a tremendous help! He validates my feelings while at the seem time giving me "tasks" to accomplish my goal of living in the "new normal".  I like his proactive approach because having a "task" gives me something to focus my energy on so that I don't feel so "all over the place".

Terri: I find it odd that your counselor would not encourage you to go to the cemetary because the therapist that I see, greatly encourages it.  He says that it helps us to move our loved ones, in our mind, from the old reality into the new. Which is the first task of grieving.

Lots of Hugs today - Lisa

Comment by Terri Kuta on November 14, 2011 at 10:07am

Adrianne:  I am going to a group councelor with my husband and yes he has helped alot, there are times I disagree with him like he doesn't think I should go to the cemetary and decorate for his 1 year angel anniversary this saturday he says that just keeps me in the past and I have to get to a new normal without my son, well im still going to do it but he has helped me stop thinking about ending my life and going to be with my son, just make sure you find a good one im trying to find a group that understands but haven't yet but i will keep trying.  Good look and hugs

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 14, 2011 at 9:47am

No words to express the sadness.  I am thinking of all of you.  Grief is more than we ever understood the word to be before we lost our loved ones.  It should be categorized as a physical and mental illness.  Wondering if anyone has found therapy to be helpful?

Comment by Ammy on November 13, 2011 at 10:40am

Lorie, I am probably older than you and most of the moms on here and one thing I have learned in life is that we can't always control things.  Sometimes I can't even control myself.  You just have to hope for the best and then endure the worst.  You can't blame yourself for anything.  It was not in your control.  I can't imagine how you will ever be able to handle Christmas with a joyful heart again. I am so sorry.  And it's okay to have some self pity.  This is not normal.  I had a moment this morning when all I wanted was to be able to hug Charles again.  I close my eyes and do it.  It helps a little.  Hope this day will bring less loneliness and hurting.  We all understand where you are.  Sending love & hugs to all.

Comment by Lorie Dunn on November 12, 2011 at 8:56pm

Hi Ammy... I know what you mean. It will be 2 years for me on Dec 26. Hunter should be 18 now.  (19 in March). He should be in college or have a job. He should be here.  He was taken so early.  I thought we were over the hurdle of this drug abuse!  Sometimes I feel so bitter toward people that partied with him.  They are still here, Some have babies of their own now.  What do I have?  What does Hunter have???  Why did it have to be this way?  I know that tonight is just one of those nights where everything feels like it is closing in on me and you would think after almost 2 years, I would figure out a way to cope...but I just feel so empty.  One of those nights where nothing helps.  I just want to talk to Hunter, fight with him, hug him...anything. Just to let him know that I love him so much!!! That there was no way on this earth could I ever condone letting him use drugs.  I was a "tough-love" kind of mom.  But it wasnt because I didn't love him...it was because I didn't want him to hurt.  God, I miss him so much!  I think sometimes that if I would have stayed married to his piece of sh*t dad, Hunter would still be alive today.  I could have been there to protect him.  It's just one of those nights where I feel completly alone and lost in my own self-pity I guess. 

Comment by Ammy on November 12, 2011 at 8:32pm

Yes Lorie, its been a hard couple of weeks for me too.  Some days worse than others, but always the longing, the missing.  Heck, its really been a hard 16 months.  I can't believe that much time has almost gone by.  Monday is the 16 months date.  Sometimes it still feels like it just happened.  I'm dreading the holidays.  Christmas more than Thanksgiving though.  Haven't figured that one out yet.  I hope all the rest of you are hanging in there and finding ways to get some relief.  Think of you all every day.  Lorie, I hope it eases up for you.  I know what you mean by everything reminding you.  I have those days too...something on TV, food, a store I would go with him to, every time I pass his bedroom door, and especially his little girl and seeing how she is still hurting too.  Still thinking that Daddy is going to be coming back.  One thing I have come to realize is that we are definitely not alone.  I have become so sensitive to anything I see on the news about a child, teenager or young adult leaving this world.  I just grieve for that family as I now know what they are going through.  Does it ever end?  All we can do is try to stay strong and finish our walk here.  I believe someday I will be with all my family together again.  I have to or I really couldn't make it through these days.  Sending loving hugs to each of you. 

Comment by Lorraine on November 12, 2011 at 8:24pm

sending love and hugs to friends here~

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