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Comment by Ammy on November 18, 2011 at 1:30pm

Karen, I don't know if you ever read where I quoted bible verses that had to deal with death.  I know that after a couple of months of losing my son I found some that helped me to realize our time is already ordained before we are ever born.  I truly believe that and one of the reasons, or I should say several of the reasons is that my son had three incidents that I know of where he could have likely been killed.  I use to say to him that God had His hand on him, but one day He might remove it.  Never thinking literally that He would.  I was just trying to scare him to be more careful.  Lately I have been thinking of a motorcycle accident he had.  He was driving a bike, going over 60 miles an hour and a deer came out and he hit it.  He rolled and flipped 20 to 30 feet down that road, got up with hardly a scratch.  Some scrapes, but nothing broken.  Why?  

I know it doesn't matter why or how they left us.  We miss them.  We want them back, but I know that's not going to happen and I guess I try and comfort myself with saying that nothing could have changed that day.  It was his day to leave, just as I have my day recorded too.  Oh, there are days when I don't understand why he had to leave not just me, but his little girl.  That hurts me more than my own loss because she doesn't understand what death is.  That's when I say. 'this is not fair'.

Just part of my roller coasting.  My contradicting myself.  My wavering back and forth between acceptance and denial.  Maybe I am getting closer to that crossing that 'crazy' mark.

I don't even know why I felt compelled to share that story with you, but I did.

Feeling all of your losses and it's kind of overwhelming.  Just know you all are in my thoughts and prayers.  ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Comment by Ammy on November 18, 2011 at 1:07pm

Hello my sisters in grief.  I have been keeping up with the comments.  I'm surprised that I have, because I usually have to stay away at times.  I have been wondering myself why so many memories and thoughts have been going through my mind lately.  Jodi, I have only had a couple of very brief dreams of my son except for one.  He was outside moving a stone and he looked up at me and said, "You know I made some hourglasses down there".  In my mind I knew down there meant our basement.  I asked why he made them and he said it was the only way he could talk to her.  That was it.  I was just glad to have been with him and talking to him.  I looked for meanings of dreams and they made sense to me in a way.  This is what I found for my symbols:

Hourglass - An hourglass represents the passing of time and the end of a cycle in one's life or a project.
The hourglass in the dream can be a symbol of the separation of something dear or the loss of a close person, - further details can be interpreted with the help of other symbols.
Spiritually:At the spiritual level the hourglass in the dream is a symbol of the death, the unkeepable open passing by time.Other Popular: 'Memento mori', your days are counted, - also: Death in the family.
(European ones).:- meant death or inevitable separation of a being close person.   - dangerous illness.

Stones:  A stone symbolizes strength, unity, and unyielding beliefs. Look at the shape, texture and color of the stone for additional significance. If the stones are rough, then it represents your quest in recognizing and developing your self-identity. Part of this quest is to also become aware of your unconscious and suppressed thoughts.? Consider the common phrase "etched in stone" which suggest permanence and unchanging attitudes. Some stones also carry sacred and magical meanings. Alternatively, stones relate to issues of moral judgment and/or guilt.

Jodi, I couldn't find anything about phrases as yours; "Mom, I'm okay or I'm okay".

For recurring dreams it is said:

The message in recurring dreams may be so important and/or powerful that it refuses to go away. The frequent repetition of such dreams forces you to pay attention and confront the dream. It is desperately trying to tell you something.  Such dreams are often nightmarish or frightening in their content, which also helps you to take notice and pay attention to them.

Recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation, transitional phase in life or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. These dreams may recur daily, once a week, or once a month. Whatever the frequency, there is little variation in the dream content itself. Such dreams may be highlighting a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life - past or present. 

The repetitive patterns in your dream reveal some of the most valuable information about yourself. It may point to a conflict, situation or matter in your waking life that remains unresolved or unsettled. Some urgent underlying message in your unconscious is demanding to be understood.

And dreaming of the dead in general:

To dream of the dead warns that you could be surrounded by too many negative individuals, and that you are staying in touch with the wrong people. You could lose things because of this. This dream may also be a way to help you deal with the loss of certain people.To dream about a dead sibling, relative, or acquaintance, suggests that you are longing for them and attempting to revive the times you shared. As you move through life, dreams offer an opportunity to deal with issues involving loss and grieving.

Don't know if that will give you any answers or comfort.

{{{Hugs all around}}}

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 18, 2011 at 7:50am

Does it seem that, the closer it gets to the holidays, the more stupid and insensitive people become toward you? Or is it just that, with our emotions and nerves so raw, we misinterpret what people are trying to say?  Not sure if it's just me or has anyone else experienced this?

I'm wondering this because I've had several experiences the past week where people have just said remarkably insensitive things to me. One person asked me how I was doing and I replied fine. I was at work, very busy, didn't want to get into a discussion of my pain at that moment.  She huffed at me and said "Now we all know that's not true! It's your first Holidays without Roxanne and Dalton is way up in New York! Just stop it with that "fine" business, we all knoow better!"  Did I take that wrong? And there have been lots of other stupid comments. Maybe it's just me.

Comment by Karen R. on November 17, 2011 at 11:57pm

Dear Frances, once again, so sorry to hear about your continued suffering. I never feel like I will have any comforting words to say but I will say that I am always willing to listen and I totally understand your feelings of feeling like this is all so unbearable.

Many hugs to you also.

Comment by Karen R. on November 17, 2011 at 11:53pm

dear Jodi, so sorry to hear that you are being bothered by this dream, none of us need any extra stress. I would like to believe that your son is letting you know that he is ok. I could only wish that I would have a dream like that about my son. I used to have dreams and auditory hallucinations that my son was crying for me and sometimes I would feel him saying "mom, look at what they did to me"!... I was already over the edge but that put me over the edge even more by only hanging by a small thread. His cries were tormenting me, so I would love to hear him scream that he is alright.

many hugs, so sorry.

Comment by Frances Cope on November 17, 2011 at 9:19pm

My friends who have lost a child, a 39 year old son who took his life.  We are having a terrible time tonight after 12 months, two weeks and two days.  Pray for us, almost unbearable.  This is the only place I can find some peace.

 

Comment by Jodi Denton on November 17, 2011 at 8:01pm

I keep having a dream about my son and I dont know what to make of it. I would like anyones opinion that would like to reply. In real life 3 years ago my son was a passanger in a car accident with 4 other teenagers. The car flipped end over end 3 times but my son was ok. We had made arrangements for him to be home at 11:30p.m. and I went to bed assumming he would be home when he said he would. The police called me at 4 a.m telling me he had been in a bad accident but was very slow at saying if he was ok or not.The next thing I heard was my son screaming in the back ground.. he was screaming "You have to tell her I am alright or she will freak out!" "Tell her I am alright!" "IM OK MOM!..IM OK!".. he almost went to jail that night because he almost ripped the phone out of the policemans hand because he was so frantic to let me know he was ok...he knew I loved him that much. The dream I keep having is that conversation. On the phone with the cop with him screaming that he is ok in the background. Some people I have told about it think it is his spirit trying to let me know he is ok.(I wish that was so) and some people think it is just wishful thinking or my brain reliving a traumatic moment.... I dont know what to think but I know it breaks my heart to hear him screaming so clearly that he's ok only this time I cant meet him in the E.R. ..I wish this dream would stop.

Comment by Karen R. on November 16, 2011 at 10:01pm

Hello to all, I second that motion.......this is our safe place and the support that I recieve here means more than any words could say. I also still search for my son, any and every where and yes I tell myself that my son is right next to me, its like I can feel him. I talk to my son all the time.......which is why I like to be alone sometimes. I ask him to sit down at the dining table, I pat a spot on my bed for him to sit and join me, I ask him to come and lay down next to me in my bed and ask him if he can comfort me. Sometimes I tell him "enough of this crap!!, stop it and come back to me, let me see you and hold you"!  After him being "gone" for 2 yrs this October, I am still feeling beat up, I still have no comfort. Somehow I push forward and through another day but each day is only a cruel reminder that my heart will forever be broken.

Comment by Lorraine on November 16, 2011 at 6:47pm

I like that we don't need to pretend here.  It is one of the few places where I can come and know that people are respecting the pain I am in over the loss of my son, not judging me for not "getting over it."  Thank you.  You are all in my heart. I have been sick for three days, really sick and couldn't get out of bed.  Slept alot, and my mind kept wandering to my son Silas as he began to lose his battle with cancer and slept more.  Is this what happens?  I wondered.  Do people really get so tired and slip away?  Of course my beautiful boy did not go without a fight, which was who he was here, not one to give in or give up.  Guess I am just tired, and know I have to go to work tomorrow no matter how sick :-( thanks for listening.

Comment by Ammy on November 16, 2011 at 3:58pm

Grace, I want to know how you feel.  This is our safe place.  Where we don't have to see the faces of those that don't understand our lives.  We don't have to make casual conversation.  I hate that more than their indifference.  Hope your night goes okay.  {{{Hugs}}}

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