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Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on November 23, 2011 at 11:02pm

Ammy, I have been in the same place for many days. The one thing that keeps me from taking my own life is that I'm afraid if I do, I would not be allowed to be with my son. But then I have the fear that it doesn't exist at all. Faith is compromised. I'm really struggling. No day is easy and it's only been a few months for me. Holidays with my son meant I could make them happen. He was a huge help and I am truly helpless now. In every way. Love to you and the others.

Comment by Lorraine on November 23, 2011 at 9:46pm

Ammy, no need to apologize.  The first support group I joined through hospice for moms who have lost adult children made me realize that our loss is so immense that it would not have surprised me in the least to walk in one week and find that one of us could not bear the pain.  And I have been in an online group where several people have actually carried through with taking their lives.  I don't have any judgement, just want to make sure we take care of ourselves as best as we can.  I am still trying to figure out what that means as my health has suffered and my strength is challenged with losing my Sy guy.  I like what you have to say, Lisa, about having something visual to look to.  I hope that everyone here feels that they can speak to what is in their hearts and on their minds without worrying about being judged or misunderstood.  I am grateful for friends here... 

Comment by Ammy on November 23, 2011 at 3:54pm

Thank you Lorraine & Lisa.  I'm sorry Lorraine if I made you think I would do something to myself.  I would like to end my life, but I don't think I ever will.  I do think about my husband, my two daughters, and my son's little girl.  She (my granddaughter) is my biggest reason for going on.  I wouldn't want to make her suffer anymore than she already is with missing her daddy.  She is only 3, but she is very attached to me and her PopPop.  She spends 3 to 5 days a week with us.  It's hard, but she does help distract at times.  Lisa, your idea sounds good.  I will think about doing something like that.  I do start each day with positive thoughts, prayer, and reading the bible.  I'm usually okay until I start moving around doing things.  Then the mind is all over the place.  Have you ever wondered how many times during the day you thought about your child?  I do, because it seems like he is always popping into my thoughts.  I think it wears me down, but I don't really know anything anymore.  Sometimes I wish I could drink alcohol.  Maybe that would numb me for awhile, but it would still have to be faced again when the numbness wore off so I don't even try that.  I pray you may find a blessing in tomorrow.  We do still have things to be thankful for.  Hugs all around.  ♥ ♥ ♥

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 23, 2011 at 8:24am

Ammy, my heart goes out to you. I been in that same place myself many times the past few months. I have a friend who lost a child many years ago and she gave me the most wonderful advice and IT HELPED, so please try this.  She told me to get one on those marker boards or a chalkboard and hang it up in a place where I would HAVE to look at it everyday. (Mine is over the coffee pot in the kitchen, so it's one of the FIRST things I see in the morning) Write on the board ALL the reasons you can think of why you HAVE to stay in this life. Write it as big as you can. Mine says: 1.) I want to be reunited with my daughter in Heaven 2.) I have a mission here now to carry her light into the world for her, 3.) My heart is broken and my suffering is real but I still have worth and value to this world, 4.) My living child still needs his mother, I'm now all he has.

Then below that write down GOALS for yourself and positive AFFIRMATIONS or SCRIPTURES whatever inspires you to pick yourself up everyday.  This has helped me so much and I hope that it might help you too.

Many hugs and prayers

-Lisa

Comment by Lorraine on November 22, 2011 at 9:20pm

Ammy, from talking with many parents who have lost children, it is fairly common to wish we were done with this life.  It is very painful, as we all know.  Still, there is a difference between feeling like you want to be dead, and making a plan.  If it gets to this, please do go to an emergency room, or call a friend to come stay until you can get help.  I used to say that I wouldn't jump out in front of a bus, but I wouldn't move out of the way if one didn't slow down for me in the crosswalk...  Still I somehow know that for me this is not an answer, having watched my son fight so hard for life, and knowing his sisters have been through way too much.  In the beginning I couldn't think that clearly though.  Sending lots of love, please message me over holidays if you need. Anytime. Which goes for anyone here, we are in this together....

Comment by Ammy on November 22, 2011 at 6:05pm

Have been thinking of you all.  It has been a hard the past few days.  Almost like starting over again.  Wish I could figure it out.  Got so bad last night that I just wanted to end it all and then I knew I was in real trouble.  Starting to think about getting some help, but then I don't really believe anything can help when these times come upon me.  Every day is hard, but some days are indescribable.  Maybe it's the holidays coming up even though I am not really thinking about them much.  Just releasing my pent up emotions.  Hope you all are holding up.  ♥ ♥ ♥

Comment by Lorraine on November 18, 2011 at 6:46pm

Jodi, what an interesting dream.  My sister told me of a time she had a "visit" from my son Silas in her sleep, she said she could feel him there, and he said, "I'm okay Aunt Elaine."  And she told him that she knew he was.  then he said, "tell Mom I'm okay. she needs to know."  My sister said in her dream state,"I will, Sy."  And he replied, "no, tell her. you need to promise me that you will tell her."  My sister said it was as if he knew she was in a sleep state, and wanted to make sure she didn't mistake this for a dream.  Mostly I dream of my son as a young boy, and often the dreams are distressing.  I miss him so much, it is unbearable.  I think many of us have guilt over a memory of something we said or didn't say while our children were here.  When my son was in immense pain from his cancer, I remember one night wishing he would pass in his sleep.  I just didn't want him to suffer.  My son fought for almost 5 months after that, and we had many good times and memories through it all.  I feel so guilty still for thinking that. Also when my Silas collapsed and we called his palliative care doctor (we were staying in a big hotel on Beacon Hill to be close to the hospital during those last weeks), she came in and he was unresponsive but obviously in respiratory distress.  The ambulance came to take him down the hill to the hospital, without lights, sirens or fanfare.  I asked to go with them, and I believe it was his doctor who said no, just walk down with my girls, it will be quicker.  I regret not going with Silas then; although he lived 12 more hours after he got to the hospital, and we were there in a matter of minutes, I had never left him go alone in the ambulances whenever he needed to go by ambulance.  So it somehow felt like a betrayal.  I think we spend an awful lot of time beating ourselves up, probably because as parents we couldn't keep our children safe or save them.  It sucks.  I wish I could take all of your pain away.  Because through any and all of the trials and tribulations of raising children, I do believe these children of ours know that they are very loved by us indeed... thank you all for being here, sending lots of love~

Comment by Lisa Adams on November 18, 2011 at 6:01pm

Thanks Karen, and let me say to you that I totaly understand your guilty feelings about what you told your son prior to his accident.  Just before Roxanne died, I was so stressed out, trying to take care of her spending time at the hospital, running her to doctor and therapy appointments, helping her with her schoolwork all while trying to hold down a full time job and take care of the house and my boyfriend (whose health is also quite shakey) I got so stressed one day that I cried out to God "I NEED THIS TO BE OVER!"  And two weeks later she was gone.  Oh God!! I didn't mean this!!!!! I'm sorry I take it back!!!! But I can't take it back can I?  My counselor and the chaplin at the hospital both told me that I shouldn't carry that guilt because I don't have the power to give or take life, and I try to remember that but I regret those words more than anyone knows.

Comment by Karen R. on November 18, 2011 at 5:18pm

Hi Lisa, if someone had said to me what you mentioned was said to you, I would probably feel like how could she/he know what I'm feeling, unless they loss a child.....which they probably didn't. She should have just lefted it alone and told you that she was glad to hear that you were doing "fine".

Comment by Karen R. on November 18, 2011 at 5:12pm

Hi Ammy. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I so desparately want to believe that it was my son's time to leave. I guess that's my struggle, I just can't seem to be ok with that notion. My faith was totally gone because of my anger and pain after my son passed away, now I will say it is severely weakened.......but not gone. The Almighty knows my heart, I still get angry, still not sure why it should comfort me that it was his "TIME", somehow, that doesn't relieve my sadness. Time is not healing me, so to speak. I envy so many that still have such a strong faith that gives them the strength they need.

My son too, had fallen off of his friend's motorcycle a week before he was critically injured on the same bike. He tried to hide some minor wounds on his fingers and his wrist that had bandaids on them. I warned him and begged him to NEVER ride that bike again. I even went as far as to tell him that the minor injuries was a warning from a higher power to keep his @ss off! Because of my words, sometimes I feel like I put it into the UNIVERSE and it happened and that it'sy fault. I wish I would have never said it. I know it sounds irrational. My biggest fear came to past. Thanks again and many hugs.

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