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Comment by Rosie Fletcher on December 29, 2011 at 7:27am

The "What IFs".  They're mean and cruel.  In the beginning they came to me whenever they wanted.  This is something that may help when they decide to pop up.  Tell them, this is your Sacred Space!  Your Heart.  You are grieving for your child.  There is no room in this Sacred place for the IFs.  Go away "What IFs", you are not needed here in my heart.  Hugs to you all.  Namaste.

Comment by Robin Jone on December 28, 2011 at 11:48pm

Have had a couple of days where I was doing amazingly okay, but tonight the pain is as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. My son's girlfriend made me five cds for Christmas, all of Zach's music, what a wonderful gift. She also showed me some short videos she had taken over the past  year she had taken of Zach. I got to hear his beautiful laugh, and see his smile. God how I miss him so terribly much. I think I have just been pretending to myself that this is all just a bad dream. I feel like I did the day that it happened, so empty and sad. The pain makes it hard to breath all over again. I am glad you are all hear and that I have somewhere to turn, you all know the feeling. I have been reading everyones post and wish so much that known of us ever had to feel this kind of pain and loss. At least we all understand and  have each other. Big hugs to all. Robin

Comment by Ann Edmondson on December 28, 2011 at 11:01pm

I don't post here very often. But I want to thank you all for being here. Reading each of your posts has helped me so much. I too would love for people to talk about by son Claude. CC (his nick name) was always the life of the party. One year him and his brother were late getting home for Christmas and a bad snow storm was coming in. He calls and says he was not going to make it. About that time he come running through the door singing "I'll be home for Christmas!" That little stinker had been standing at the door the entire phone conversation. This Christmas it seems everytime I turned on the radio they were playing that song. Just seemed his way of saying "Hey Mom, I am still around wanted you to know I love you!" May sound crazy but hey he always said I was nuts too!

I wear a ribbon which bears the Gold Star in his honor. This gives me a chance to tell others about him. This year my two grand-nieces and grand-nephew asked me about it. (This was the first time I had met them as I did not live in the same state for many years.) It was good to talk about him but it was also very hard as they wanted to know why he died. How can you explain to a three year old the life of someone serving in the Army?

Sorry I am rambling but I needed to talk somewhere and you guys here are the only ones who truly understand what I am talking about. Thanks for listening.

Comment by Lorraine on December 28, 2011 at 8:22pm

Keeping it "in check" is well put.  I was able to do that for this holiday much better than the last two, yet I am in such pain and cannot seem to get a handle on it. I am feeling so overwhelmed with sadness in knowing that my Silas is not coming back.  I am trying to stay strong for my girls, but it is not easy.  Dick, I agree with you that you will miss him all the rest of your days.  Unfortunately this is our life now...  something I would not wish on anyone, but wish others could understand a little better.  I need to feel free to talk about my Sy guy without the room going into an awkward silence.  I need to know that the world will not forget that this amazing young man who was brave & funny & very imperfect but generous and loving was here.  He was here, and he made a difference... sending love to all of you my friends here~

Comment by Dick on December 28, 2011 at 8:49am

Make me want to puke knowing what they were capable of. I am tortured by the work "IF"; if I could have, should have, would have. I run the thought experiment everyday and if I had made a small change in my routine I may not have been here. "IF" tortures me. "IF" is a powerful word.

Something else bothers me, over the past year he had seen a lot over our relatives and friends. He made amends with a good friend of his over some difficulty. He stayed with his grandmother and painted her bath. He helped me with a lot of home improvement as well.  A lot of unusual activity; I did not really notice at the time. Was this his way of saying good bye to everyone? I was in the bathroom at my mothers house and I could feel him.

I guess I will miss him and be sad the rest of my days.

Comment by Dick on December 28, 2011 at 12:51am

When Danny died I had calls from people wanting to harvest his organs. I told them heck no; I was not in the mindset for that request.

As I go through his things; I have found out he was an organ donor. I did not realize that was his wishes. I also get messages from his little girl he was a Big Brother to. I was not aware of this as well. It is amazing the things in his life I am finding out about as I go through his affects.

I feel badly about these discoveries and how I acted now.

Comment by Karen R. on December 27, 2011 at 9:00pm

Hey Lorraine and everyone. This Christmas, it helped a lot to see my little one excited and so happy. The pain was still there but I forced myself to keep it in check for her sake, it wouldn't have been fair to her, she's only 7yrs old. If it wasn't for her, I probably would have just stayed in bed the whole day. She was a big distraction for me, unfortunately, the distraction is sometimes short lived. Some of my friends and family still don't quite get that me having other children does NOT fill the void of me losing one. One child does NOT replace the other. How can any of this ever be 'acceptable"? How? What's good about it? Some people tell me that I need to just accept it because it's a part of life, a fate that none of us are exempt from. But however true that may be, does not make it easier to accept, it doesn't ease the pain. Sometimes I feel like a cruel joke is being played on all of us if this will be the end result. Why couldn't have been that if we couldn't live forever, how about just making it so that a parent NEVER has to bury their child.....all children bury their parents.

Comment by Karen R. on December 27, 2011 at 8:45pm

Hey Dick. I know what you mean. Who in their right mind would volunteer for this crap!!? This is a involuntary membership to this "club".  Unfortunately I think that this is my "new normal". If you decide not to take part in any upcoming festivities, hopefully whoever gave you the invite will know not to take it personal. I feel your pain.   many hugs to you.

Comment by Dick on December 26, 2011 at 10:23pm

I dont want to be this person, its not me.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on December 26, 2011 at 9:00pm

Has anyone on here ever lost that feeling of complete devastation?  The feeling that you have all day long as if someone just told you the worse thing you could ever hear?  I'm so beat up from this suffering.  I look at Don's picture and I get that feeling of sickness rather than sadness.  The feeling that something is so very very wrong.  I miss my boy.  

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