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Comment by Ann Edmondson on January 6, 2012 at 11:53pm

Dick, like Ammy has said this is a place where you can say anything without judgement. All of us here understand all too well what you are going through. Do not give it a second thought about "chocking up" when you talk about your child. I have good days and bad days. On my bad days I cry like a baby at the littlest thing. It has been 5 years since my son was killed and I still have days when my voice will crack when I talk about him.

I too am what I consider to be a strong believer. Many times I have had premonitions of things happening in our family. I knew when my brother had been killed, or things just out of kilter with other members and have to call them to check on them. The day my son was killed I "knew" I had to get home. When I arrived from church, I found the Army liaison and Chaplain waiting to speak with me. So things have happened to me also. Whether crazy or not I cannot judge. Some things just happen for a reason that we may not be able to understand with our finite minds.

Comment by Ammy on January 6, 2012 at 5:41pm

Dick, I wish I had a wise answer to give you, but we know there is no answer.  Our lives are turned upside down, inside out.

I am also a Christian, and I feel I am a strong believer.  I have had things happen here too, but because of my belief I know it's not my son.  Sometimes I take the thought that it's him just to comfort myself, but deep inside I, myself, don't believe it's him.  I don't judge what others believe.  I think if anything comforts we need to take it.

I understand the incidents that happened to you in your life would be confusing.  there again, I would say you need to feel what will help you and not cause you stress.

I, myself, have never experienced anything like that.  I can remember a few months before my Dad died that he started talking about what he wanted done when he died.  He was 47, and I always thought it odd that he had done that, but never thought too much on it.  My son, on the the other hand, did the same thing. started telling us he wasn't going to live long and to put his body in the woods and let it return to nature.  I brushed it off as nonsense and told him he still had a long time to live, that he now had a daughter to raise, and that it was illegal to put his body in the woods.  He was gone a couple of months later.  I now think that maybe we might get a premonition.  Maybe some of us are more tuned in than others.  Who knows?  

I try to go by what the bible says and stick to that because if I went on my own thinking I might really lose it.

I also don't think anyone thinks you are looking for sympathy.  We all need a place to express our feelings, and for us, this is the place we found.  For all we know, it may save our sanity.

Take care and express all you want.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:38pm

OK, now the crazy talk. I am Christian...I just want that fact out there before starting because my ideas are against my beliefs...but they are true unfortunately.

I had a head injury when I was seven. We lived in the country so no 911 at that time. They just propted me up against the icebox until I came to. I had my full life until that time flash before me and it was almost like swimming from 50 feet below the surface. When I reached the surface or the light, I woke up. I know this feeling because I sport dive.

Since that time I have had premonitions and odd occurances; I know it is against my beliefs but they happen. Let me count:

1.) At 10 years, I told my brother mom ran over his bike, she did 20 minutes later.

2.) As a teen, I practiced yoga, vegetarianism, and meditation. I let my soul leave my body for a few seconds; got scared and brought it back. Never practiced again.

3.) I felt in 2006, someone in our family would not be at Christmas in 2007. I thought my oldest son would be stationed overseas...or heaven forbid die in combat. My niece passed in Feb. 2007.

4.) I took Danny to my fathers grave one week before he died, I had the odd feeling again that my wife/I would not be buried in our plots. Danny is now buried there.

5.) This Halloween, I was alone and my wife was still at work. I concentrated on Danny very intently to the exculsion of everything else. Remember, I do know how to meditate but choose not to. The dishes in the kitchen rattled just like he would when getting things to eat. Scared me.

 

I am confused on these points, I am not claiming anything. But they did happen to me.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:17pm

BTW, I am not soliciting sympathy. I am just noting my feelings and observations. I feel the internet is very anoymous and I can state feelings I may not be able to say in a wetware world.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:14pm

I am a loner at work now, my receptionist claims she can see the sadness in my eyes??? Before, I was out-going, public speaking did not bother me, loved to socialize with collegues and clients. I now just hide away, stay busy, and have taken a much lesser position than before. I have effectively killed my career path, now I will just toil in obscurity until I retire or get laided off.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:10pm

@Ammy,

I read your article and that nailed me straight on except for the alcohol and drug abuse; I gave up alcohol earlier in the year and completely swore off it after Danny.

 

I am extremely agitated in large groups of people, I cannot stand it. I went to my company Christmas party; the feeling was not I should not enjoy myself; instead I could not take the crowd of people. We ate and left with very little socializing. Must have been 500 people. I am having problems @ church as well. I really don't want to go, listen to the podcast, but my bible study of 6 people is OK.

 

I must have PTSD; I just don't want any SSRIs for it.

Comment by Ammy on January 6, 2012 at 3:42pm

Hello...

Dick, it is not unmanly to cry.  Especially when it comes to your son.  I read a short article about what to do with your grief.  It states:  How come it is o.k. for women to cry but not men?  Even if it is in a locked room, men, give it a try, tears can be healing.  So take care of yourself and do what you need to do.  Don't judge yourself in this situation.  Anything and everything we feel and do is 'normal'.

Grace there is one page I have read about grief and PTSD.  I also believe we suffer from it.  You can read it on the Grief-Healing-Support Site at:

http://www.grief-healing-support.com/post-traumatic-stress-syndrome...

Been having a bummed out week so far.  Feeling so alone and distancing myself from everyone.  Have to go there sometimes because I can't rid myself of anger, or maybe it's just self pity.  I don't really know anymore, but it's better I stay to myself because I may explode on someone and later regret it.

Thinking of you all every day.  •♥•

Comment by Grace on January 6, 2012 at 8:58am

Hi Dick..... No I don't think you shut us all down.....  JUst been the first time this week I could sleep past 5 AM.  I think many of us struggle with Cracking and tearing up.... even for me and it is more than 2  1/2 years... Yesterday I was driving a Special Needs Bus and hear " My Girl"  A 60's Motown song.... I used to sing that song to my Niles when he was upset as a baby and throughout his life (He Had Autism) and would sometimes be upset or sad... I would sing NY-GUY instead of My Girl....   I noticed that Lorraine also called her son SY-Guy.... small world.    many things still trigger my emotions... I can not watch Toy Story 3 or Sponge Bob.... the Toy Story song "You've Got A Friend in Me" was sung at his funeral...but the Hollies song "He Ain't Heavy ... He's My Brother" is one that really sticks in my brain.... that was also sung at the funeral by our musician friends.....and my husband and I are always hit when we hear that song....  and some of the songs like he (Niles) would sing from the radio or TV Shows...  " It's Too Late to Apologize"   Green Acres.... boy somedays you will be going along ok and something like a song on the radio will hit you.... I say we all have PTSD... from this loss...  I've looked on the internet but they really do not mention the loss of a child...mostly military Stresses....  But I can tell you I have many flashbacks that I am afraid to talk about with other people....  and I am sure they are very uncomfortable listening...  maybe this is what happens to the soldiers that feel that they can not talk about the horrors of WAR... people just want to change the subject.  Or say old familiar cliches...

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 8:15am

Did I shut the comments down? Sorry.

I am worried about one area, when i speak about Danny my voice crackles, I tear, must stop collect and then finish. I am not bawling like a kid, but some how deep inside me I feel it is not manly. Am I being irrational with myself?

Comment by Dick on January 5, 2012 at 7:59am

I saw a Sundance festival film last night, Half-Life. It was about a family that the father left, not died. Wrought with guilt, grief, sadness and dysfunctional emotions. It was filmed with a backdrop of today's ecological disasters. Desperate people seeking answers to why.

I certainly could relate to the film.

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