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Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:38pm

OK, now the crazy talk. I am Christian...I just want that fact out there before starting because my ideas are against my beliefs...but they are true unfortunately.

I had a head injury when I was seven. We lived in the country so no 911 at that time. They just propted me up against the icebox until I came to. I had my full life until that time flash before me and it was almost like swimming from 50 feet below the surface. When I reached the surface or the light, I woke up. I know this feeling because I sport dive.

Since that time I have had premonitions and odd occurances; I know it is against my beliefs but they happen. Let me count:

1.) At 10 years, I told my brother mom ran over his bike, she did 20 minutes later.

2.) As a teen, I practiced yoga, vegetarianism, and meditation. I let my soul leave my body for a few seconds; got scared and brought it back. Never practiced again.

3.) I felt in 2006, someone in our family would not be at Christmas in 2007. I thought my oldest son would be stationed overseas...or heaven forbid die in combat. My niece passed in Feb. 2007.

4.) I took Danny to my fathers grave one week before he died, I had the odd feeling again that my wife/I would not be buried in our plots. Danny is now buried there.

5.) This Halloween, I was alone and my wife was still at work. I concentrated on Danny very intently to the exculsion of everything else. Remember, I do know how to meditate but choose not to. The dishes in the kitchen rattled just like he would when getting things to eat. Scared me.

 

I am confused on these points, I am not claiming anything. But they did happen to me.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:17pm

BTW, I am not soliciting sympathy. I am just noting my feelings and observations. I feel the internet is very anoymous and I can state feelings I may not be able to say in a wetware world.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:14pm

I am a loner at work now, my receptionist claims she can see the sadness in my eyes??? Before, I was out-going, public speaking did not bother me, loved to socialize with collegues and clients. I now just hide away, stay busy, and have taken a much lesser position than before. I have effectively killed my career path, now I will just toil in obscurity until I retire or get laided off.

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 4:10pm

@Ammy,

I read your article and that nailed me straight on except for the alcohol and drug abuse; I gave up alcohol earlier in the year and completely swore off it after Danny.

 

I am extremely agitated in large groups of people, I cannot stand it. I went to my company Christmas party; the feeling was not I should not enjoy myself; instead I could not take the crowd of people. We ate and left with very little socializing. Must have been 500 people. I am having problems @ church as well. I really don't want to go, listen to the podcast, but my bible study of 6 people is OK.

 

I must have PTSD; I just don't want any SSRIs for it.

Comment by Ammy on January 6, 2012 at 3:42pm

Hello...

Dick, it is not unmanly to cry.  Especially when it comes to your son.  I read a short article about what to do with your grief.  It states:  How come it is o.k. for women to cry but not men?  Even if it is in a locked room, men, give it a try, tears can be healing.  So take care of yourself and do what you need to do.  Don't judge yourself in this situation.  Anything and everything we feel and do is 'normal'.

Grace there is one page I have read about grief and PTSD.  I also believe we suffer from it.  You can read it on the Grief-Healing-Support Site at:

http://www.grief-healing-support.com/post-traumatic-stress-syndrome...

Been having a bummed out week so far.  Feeling so alone and distancing myself from everyone.  Have to go there sometimes because I can't rid myself of anger, or maybe it's just self pity.  I don't really know anymore, but it's better I stay to myself because I may explode on someone and later regret it.

Thinking of you all every day.  •♥•

Comment by Grace on January 6, 2012 at 8:58am

Hi Dick..... No I don't think you shut us all down.....  JUst been the first time this week I could sleep past 5 AM.  I think many of us struggle with Cracking and tearing up.... even for me and it is more than 2  1/2 years... Yesterday I was driving a Special Needs Bus and hear " My Girl"  A 60's Motown song.... I used to sing that song to my Niles when he was upset as a baby and throughout his life (He Had Autism) and would sometimes be upset or sad... I would sing NY-GUY instead of My Girl....   I noticed that Lorraine also called her son SY-Guy.... small world.    many things still trigger my emotions... I can not watch Toy Story 3 or Sponge Bob.... the Toy Story song "You've Got A Friend in Me" was sung at his funeral...but the Hollies song "He Ain't Heavy ... He's My Brother" is one that really sticks in my brain.... that was also sung at the funeral by our musician friends.....and my husband and I are always hit when we hear that song....  and some of the songs like he (Niles) would sing from the radio or TV Shows...  " It's Too Late to Apologize"   Green Acres.... boy somedays you will be going along ok and something like a song on the radio will hit you.... I say we all have PTSD... from this loss...  I've looked on the internet but they really do not mention the loss of a child...mostly military Stresses....  But I can tell you I have many flashbacks that I am afraid to talk about with other people....  and I am sure they are very uncomfortable listening...  maybe this is what happens to the soldiers that feel that they can not talk about the horrors of WAR... people just want to change the subject.  Or say old familiar cliches...

Comment by Dick on January 6, 2012 at 8:15am

Did I shut the comments down? Sorry.

I am worried about one area, when i speak about Danny my voice crackles, I tear, must stop collect and then finish. I am not bawling like a kid, but some how deep inside me I feel it is not manly. Am I being irrational with myself?

Comment by Dick on January 5, 2012 at 7:59am

I saw a Sundance festival film last night, Half-Life. It was about a family that the father left, not died. Wrought with guilt, grief, sadness and dysfunctional emotions. It was filmed with a backdrop of today's ecological disasters. Desperate people seeking answers to why.

I certainly could relate to the film.

Comment by Dick on January 5, 2012 at 7:48am

I am looking at my Internet Browser favourite pull down menu. This URL and some others related are under POPULAR. It just does not seem right; I am going to create another folder for them, NECESSARY. POPULAR just does not feel right.

Funny? How sensitive to little things I have become.

Is life just a collection of disappointments interspersed with a couple of happy moments? I had little disappointments before, shake it off; get back into the game. Danny missing is the 800 lb. gorilla in the room. 

Comment by Robin Jone on January 5, 2012 at 7:08am

Can't believe it has been four months since my Zach's accident and death. I haven't been on here in a few days and I am so sorry to read about everyones pain. Dick, I know how you feel about the what ifs, or I wish I would have done this or said that. I do that wishing I would have told Zach more often how proud I was of him. I wish I would have spent more time with him. My husband stops me though and says he was 23, he had his own life and was doing what 23 year olds do. He was just starting to want to spend more time with us. I would see him every Saturday because we worked together on Saturdays, the day of his accident was a Saturday was we were not together. I used to look forward to Saturdays now I dread them because I always think about his accident. I still don't think I totally have accepted his death and that he will never walk through our front door again. I am always looking for some kind of sign to let me know that he is okay. I may not be getting the kind of signs I want, so may be missing them. When my brother died 18 years ago there was a message on a sign outside  a church about if  you are having trouble dealing with grief, I started attending that church regularly. It was like the pastor there was talking directly to me, found out later that he had lost his brother several months earlier. That pastor  took a break from preaching for several years. A couple of days before Christmas Eve, my husband was driving down the road and saw someone hanging up a sign for a new church starting. It was the pastor who preached when my brother died, he was beginning a  new church for people at a crossroads in their lives. My husband stopped and talked to him, he had not heard of Zach's death, and he told my husband that he would be having on service on Christmas Eve. Maybe that was not the kind of sign of was looking for, but when I look back now I definitely think God was trying to give me some kind of sign. I too get the feelings of sometimes I can't breathe because the pain is so bad. I know I will never be the person that I was before Zach died, but I am chosing to somehow survive this for my other children at least for today. I can do this for one day, I try not to think about tomorrow. You are all in my hearts and prayers. Robin

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