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Comment by Dick on March 4, 2012 at 12:24pm

I had my first dream of Danny last night, I had a daughter in the dream. I have never had a daughter. It was an odd dream overall not what I was expecting.

Comment by Grace on March 4, 2012 at 9:39am

Another Dream about my Niles.... I woke up crying ...

He was away at some kind of treatment home... we were talking about him... I was sad and very upset and wanted to talk to him... I said... "I got to call him.. I haven't talked to him soo long and I really Miss him..." then I reached for the phone.... and woke up crying because I can't call him... he isn't gonna come home soon from treatment home....  there is no phone call.... I don't know.... almost 3 years in the end of May.....   Do I really need to do drugs to get through this grief.... am I now past the point where I have really got a Psychiatric problem?

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on March 4, 2012 at 9:20am

My one year remembrance was bittersweet yesterday.  We had a good turn out.  I'm thankful since it will be the last big gathering my husband and I will host.  Many of Sam's real friends came and for the ones who couldn't make it they sent us notes.  Before our balloon release to the skies, I read this poem.  I want to share with you, my friends here on this site.  The author is Unknown but it sums up my feelings.

Thinking of you with Love

We thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

We think of you in silence,

we often speak you name.

All we have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is our keepsake,

with which we will never part.

God has you in His keeping,

we have you in our hearts.

A million times we've wanted you.

A million times we cried.

If love could only have saved you,

you never would have died.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

But you didn't go alone.

For part of us went with you....

the day God called you Home.

 

Peace to you my friends.

 

 

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on March 4, 2012 at 9:12am

Angela I totally agree.  The family and friends who stay with us through are grief are the family and friends for life.

Comment by nadia on March 4, 2012 at 9:07am

I come and read...and let my tears go... I miss my wonderful sister so much...9 months without my soulmate and my bestets friend.... Your words and thoughts speak to my heart too.. and feel like my mum and dad are sharing their thoughts through you.. I know they keep a brave face for me and would not reveal their full depth of pain.. thats what I do  too but I know the pain and can read through your words their words... My heart is broken without my amazing sister.. I can't move on can't accept future without her... My sister has given me gift .. the baby girl she always wanted with me in just 5 weeks...I hope she looks just like her and that she mellows down the pain for my mummy and daddy too... bless you all..

 

Comment by Angela Johnson on March 4, 2012 at 8:45am

  Correction........Higher power 

Comment by Angela Johnson on March 4, 2012 at 8:37am

Dear Anne, my fiance left  2 month and 15days after my daughter passed away because he felt that I should "be over it" and now focus my attention on him as my focus for 39 1/2 years was my disabled daughter. Lesson.... there are selfish and self centered people in this world and we are better off really without them in our lives! They will ANSWER to a high power in the end. We will go on and live with our grief and get support from people that do not have these traits. They will be there because they truly do care and they are the ones who are worthy of our love , not the selfish and narcissistic people that have no clue. Peace be with you all. Angie

Comment by anne on March 3, 2012 at 3:24pm

Dear Karen, my mother and fathers excuse was that my brother and sisters wouldnt let them come and I never got a reason why my siblings didnt come. It was devastating when the funeral began and all of my husbands family including his father who was dying of cancer at the time were there. Bens funeral was a very large military funeral. Generals and other high ranking members of the army flew in on a blackhawk helicopter to attend. I was so hurt and ashamed when we walked behind the casket into the service and no one from my side was there. As I have said before I cant make others do the right thing, but I sure can make sure that I do. I dont usually share these things with most people, but my heart so desperatly wants to help someone else who has no choice but walk in my shoes. What my family did not only to me but my girls and my husband is something they too will have to live with. I try to forgive not really for them but for me. I have been through plenty so by hurting them only hurts me and I feel that i'm worth more than that. I forgive but I will never forget. I'd like to share this poem that I wrote to my boys. Here goes.

It's been a long dark journey since you went away.

I know if it was up to you, i'm sure you would've stayed.

At first it was so painful that I could hardly breathe.

My heart became like a puzzle that was missing an important piece.

Then I began to talk to God, and to him I gave it all, every sadness, every hurt, every sorrow, every fall.

Overtime the sun came back to me and repaired my broken heart, It still leaks every once in a whhile but doesn't break apart.

I'll never know the reason why you had to leave this way, but I will never let you go in my soul you'll always stay.

When I'm down the tears engulf my face, I read this poem to myself and pray for Gods gentle grace.

I hope this helps you as it has me. I will search for whatever I can get to get even a little bit of peace in my heart. Hugs and Love to you.

Comment by Karen R. on March 3, 2012 at 2:48pm

Dear Anne, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I think I will start doing that........expect less from others so I won't be so crushed when they don't come through for me. I can not believe that your family was not around for such an ordeal, wow, I could never imagine that! That's terrible! I am sorry, I don't think I could ever forgive them, that's pretty deep. What acceptable excuse could they have had? I am sorry that any of us even know this kind of pain, especially parents that have gone through this more than once, as you have. 

Many hugs to you.

Comment by anne on March 3, 2012 at 1:39pm

Dear Karen, I know it's hard when others dissapoint you, but not everyone can handle these sort of things. Most people find it difficult. I dont think jit's because they didnt care about your child. I think for some its just so hard to understand. Nobody wants to deal with this if they dont have to. Which leaves those of us brokenhearted. This is one of those things that unless it happens to you, you really dont get the jist of it all. When my Ben died his friends would come around and see us, but now they have all moved on and because they dont feel the same pain as I do they are able to move on. No one in my family even came to help me bury my Ben. Not one family member. So I have learned to not expect much, even from my own daughters when the boys birthdays etc. comes along. It's sad and it hurts but I cant force others to do and feel what I do.However I am grateful for the times that someone does acknowledge their birthdays and other important days.I was so angry at my family for such a long time and I still find it hard to forgive them for leaving me to bury my child without them, but things are different when our child dies, and when I think back before the boys died I didnt want to deal with it either if I didnt have to. No excuse for saying you'll be there for the celebration,and then not show up, but it is what it is. I find it less painful to have expectations from others concerning this matter. I have found that I'm the only one who hurts when others fail me. For me I feel I have so much more to deal with and think about so I put this kind of dissapointment to the back of the list.To be honest there really isn't anyone who can feel what I feel when it comes to my children. It's like when my son first died. Omg, so many people said they would be there for me and that I could call anytime, but most people just say things like that because they think they are comforting me and maybe they really meant it at the time, but when push came to shove most of them turned away. I have found that when I expect nothing it hurts less when I get nothing. I have even had my pastor turn me away, so maybe that's why I feel this way. I used to take it personally but now I just chalk it up to ignorance. I wish all the time that I too was ignorant but I dont get that luxury and I never will after what I have been through. when their birthdays come my husband and I get a helium balloon take it to the cemetary, sing Happy birthday to them and let it go. We watch as it goes up into the heavens. I like to do this at dusk because dusk was my favorite time of day. Everyone would be home and we'd all be together. then at bedtime starting with the youngest each child would come to me and kiss me goodnight. Of all the things I miss this special time is what I miss the most. It's funny but when my boys decided they were to big to kiss me goodnight they would bend down so I could kiss them on their forehead.My Ben was 24 years old when he came back from bomb hunting in Iraq and still he would bend down so I could kiss him goodnight. That's why I try to think about those things rather than the dissapointment from others. Everyone is different. We all handle things in different ways. Others will always dissapoint me but the love I gave and got back from my children never does. You hang in there. Love and Peace to all

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