I hate xmas now since I lost my 34 year old son following what a dr told us was a routine aortic valve replacement. He was taken from us in Jan., 2010. This is our second xmas without him. I have to say this has been more painful than last xmas.  He loved xmas and we had so much fun together.  I don't decorate or do anything for the holidays.  Today I spent most of it crying and actually lying on the floor screaming.  Just thinking about never seeing him or hearing his beautiful voice is horrific agony and pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I miss Marty so much the pain is unbearable.

I'm glad that my words were able to give you a little comfort.  My heart just goes out to you.  I know that people say things and they mean well, and I think it is because they know how much you are hurting and they don't want to see you that way.  But right now your pain is very raw and it's okay not to be your best or your strongest.  That doesn't mean that you are a weak person, it just means that you are dealing with a very traumatic loss that has hurt you to your soul. 

I keep thinking about all of the times when I could have picked up the phone and called my brother.  He called me often to see how I was doing, but I was working two jobs and going to school full time and I kept telling myself that I would get around to it "soon".  I can't tell you how much that tore me up that I didn't call him.  But I know that my brother knows how much I love him, just like Tonia knows how much you love her.  Sisters have a bond that nobody can break - even in death -  and you will always have that with her. 

Yesterday I decided that whenever I start thinking about what Kevin went through when he died, or beating myself up because I didn't contact him more often, that I am going to think of something that was a good memory of him or of us together - or the times that I did show him how much I loved him.  In the beginning I didn't think it would be much, but I am actually remembering that I did do and say a lot of things that let him know that I cared.  It is kind of hard because my mind keep wanting to go back to those other things, but I think with a little time, I will be able to remember the good times we had together and stop focusing so much on how he died - at least I hope so.    I don't know if this will help you, but if you give it a try, please let me know if it helps at all.  God Bless. 

Nadia,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your sister.  It sounds like you had a very close relationship with her.   She was so young...too young and I wish I could say something to ease your pain.  Just know you are not alone and I will keep you, your sister and all of your family in my prayers.  I am here for you if you need someone to talk to.