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Comment by lynne thompson on June 9, 2012 at 4:38pm

Sue, I also , as you know lost 2 sons, but , for you to lose 2 children in 18 months has to be so hard....I , myself , get so sad about even the child I lost at 25 , and the one I lost at 45 with many years in between.  I am also on meds for depression.   I just want you to know , I so acknowledge your pain.  I also , see a counselor, and I go to Compassionate Friends, I feel so many times that I do not belong in this world of "normal " people......I pray you all find some peace and serenity in life, although, I don't know if we really ever will.  That hole in our lives is so huge, Please all of you take care.  I check this site almost everyday and I do think of all of you and your pain....Love, Lynne

 

Comment by Sue D on June 9, 2012 at 8:56am

Robin, I re-read your post, and wanted to comment on the trip. How about going somewhere that you all would love to go, and that your so would have enjoyed, and make it trip to honor him. It may be sad, but it can also be a release if you just acknowledge him in the process. Make sure it is a place that holds no guilt, no bad memories, but a new place to begin to make memories for all of you. It will feel different, but can be a healing experience. Sue

Comment by Sue D on June 9, 2012 at 8:41am

Robin, it has been 9 or 10 months since we lost our daughter and 18 months since we lost our son. Like you and most of the others replying to you, my husband and I grieve in different ways. I too have people I talk to, am on meds for depression and anxiety, see couselors and I have a full time job that distracts me from the pain (not). My husband, on the other hand, sees no one except family, talks only to me, doesn't have a job to go to (and doesn't feel emotionally ready to get one), has a history of heart attack, and I too want to do something for him. But I cannot. I have learned that it is the way he needs or wants to handle his grief. Yet he also feels powerless to take action. I have invited him to counseling sessions with me, to support me during couseling, and during those sessions I been able to gain an understanding of where he is and where we are as a couple. But, I do worry about him and can't do it for him. Men and women do process y. I continue to make suggestions to see someone, to write a book, to talk to friends, something, but it is up to him. It is hard to watch, and I don't have the energy to hold him up too, which I think contributes to my fear that he will lose it sometime, and I feel guilty for not being there for him. But I can't take on that responsibility because it is not mine, as much as I love him and want to see him healthy and whole. Hugs, Sue

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on June 9, 2012 at 7:23am

Just wanted to confirm what someone had said sometime ago.  We are in our second year since my son's passing.  I am finding that the second year is harder emotionally in some ways.  The first year was shock, disbelief, anger, going through all the first the first holidays and such.  The second year, it's facing the stark reality even more and many flashbacks of my son from childhood to age 17. 

I do have more somewhat good days... being able to sit in my garden has been healing.  Spending time with my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren keeps me busy.  The grandchildren helps me smile more  because they are so innocent and pure.  The things they say are from their hearts.  They don't understand this kind of pain thank god!

Just wanted to send big HUGS to you all.  Hope we have a somewhat peaceful weekend.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on June 9, 2012 at 7:15am

Robin,

My husband and I handle our grief differently and as the months have gone by, I've learned to accept it as such.  I still go to a grief counselor and for awhile I went to Solace House and a group counseling offered at Unity Church.  My husband is not one to talk about his feelings in a group session or even a one-on-one with a grief counselor.  He has handled it being in nature and stuff like that.  On days where he loses it, I'm just make myself available whenever he needs to talk to me about it.

Yes my husband and I also feel guilty that we hadn't taken a grand canyon vacation with both our sons.  It seemed like something was always coming up that prevented us from all going.  Sam absolutely loved going on vacations to other states!  I wish now we all went regardless of the cost.  I am grateful though of the other vacations we took, I have good memories of those and so glad we all sent as a family.  My husband and I are thinking about going to the Grand Canyon this year or early next year as a tribute to Sam.  We know in spirit he will be with us.  We also plan on taking a little bit of his ashes to leave there at the grand canyon.  I think you guys should go on that cruise and tribute it to your son.  Just my personal opinion.  I think it may be a good healing for your family.  Hugs to you

 

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 9, 2012 at 12:36am

Robin
I know the pain and the guilt and the disbelief. But my husband wasn't my sons biological father and though he raised him I don't think he's suffering like your husband. I too tried counseling but I didn't think it was helping me. I think your husband needs a male friend to hang and talk with. Men don't process like we do. I don't have this compassionate friends that you all speak of near me. I think Dick benefitted from that. Maybe he should attend? I'm sorry. This all hurts so badly. My son was my best friend.

Comment by Robin Jone on June 8, 2012 at 11:20pm

The last week or so have been really hard for my husband. Does anybody have any advice on how I can help him. It has been 9 months since we lost our son, Zach, in a very sudden tragic accident. I get on here and write to you all, and attend Compassionate Friends meetings once a month. I go through the motions, I have my times when I am at home by myself, that I have totally lost it. At the Compassionate Friends meetings, that is also my time where I can let down my walls and no that the people there no how I am feeling. I feel so helpless, I want to help him but I just don't know what to do for him. He was going to counseling but then quit because he didn't know if it was helping. Should I suggest he go back? Is it strange that when he gets so emotional I almost feel guilty that I am not reacting the same way? Any suggestions would be helpful. Last time he broke down I just held him. This time I just let him go, then he went back to our bedroom and really lost it. I know when I get like that I like to be alone, but I don't know if that was the right thing to do for him. I don't know right now I just feel numb. Zach's accident occurred in the mountains, he fell from a waterfall, and my husband was asking me today if I ever thought that I could go to the mountains again. I said I think so but I don't know. He said he will think to himself, we should go away, go on a cruise or just away, but then he thinks to himself, we never took Zach on a cruise. I do the same thing about a cruise. One year we took our two youngest daugthers on a cruise, we didn't take Zach or our oldest daughter because one time we all talked about going on a cruise and they both said they never wanted to go. So when we ended up going, our daughter and Zach, both were hurt that we didn't include them. Now any time I think of going on a cruise, I always feel so guilty that we can never include Zach, and fix it. Does anyone have anything like that they feel guilty about. God this whole things sucks so bad, its just not right that we have to go through this. Sometimes I wonder how I am still going on. I lost my Mom, Dad, brother, sister-in-laws, nephew, sooo many others and I always said if I ever lost one of my kids they would just have to lock me up. So now that the unthinkable has happened, I wonder what is wrong with me that I am going on. I am afraid that one day it is going to hit me so hard that I will be immobilized by the pain. The numbness will just wear off and they will have to scrape me up off the floor. Or will I always be numb...so many questions.

Comment by Grace on June 3, 2012 at 6:28am

Thanks everyone.... This is a rough road... the lack of trust and faith I have in anyone has been hard.... but maybe it is because we were all going about our comfortable life and then the Bottom Fell Out?  Wonder if we will ever trust to take anything for granted or if I will live guarded?

Somedays you will laugh... and I can relate to those who say then they feel guilty for even happy feelings.... I think we all have those feelings. 

Comment by lynne thompson on June 2, 2012 at 2:27pm

Thank you , Robin, I know it is so hard to do this alone.   I wish we all lived in the same neighborhood where we could all be together and talk about our children and still can go home when we want not to talk anymore......that would be so nice......But better still would be if all our children could talk to us again, but this is reality and sometimes it is just unfair......period

 

Comment by Robin Jone on June 2, 2012 at 11:18am

Haven't had a chance to get on the last few days. Grace, I am so sorry you are not getting the much needed support you so well deserve. You know we are here for you, wish we could be there physically. I feel exactly how you all have said, my two faces. The mask I wear during the day when I am at work, the I'm doing okay face, and then the one where when I come home I can allow myself to feel and cry and scream or whatever I need to do. That is one reason why I still attend the Compassionate Friends meeting. That is my one time a month where I bring Zach's picture, and can talk about him, cry about him and miss him in front of people who aren't going to tell me to be strong. That it is okay to let it out. I went through the thing where I blamed God, but one day I was at church and my minister was talking about that sometimes we make bad choices. In Zach's case, that was very true. His accident would not have happened if he didn't make the decision to get too close to the end of the cliff to see the waterfall. When I realized that, for myself, I quit being mad at God, and unfortunately got mad at Zach. It still makes me so angry. It hit me really hard the other day, I was cleaning my family room, and had to pick up Zach's ashes to dust. I felt like, "how f***ed!!! up is this! Sorry, but that is how I felt, he is suppose to be here, enjoying the summer with us. Playing Marco Polo in the pool, having cook outs and picnics. Sometimes life just really sucks. I know I have to go on for myself, and all my other loved ones who are left. It will never be easy, but sometimes I have times where I have actually been able to laugh again. Unfortunately, I still haven't gotten oven that when that happens I feel guilty, and wonder how I can laugh when I no longer have my son. I do know that Zach would want me to be happy, and have fun. That was what Zach was all about. Big hugs and prayers to all of you my friends. Robin

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