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Comment by lynne thompson on June 18, 2012 at 10:46pm

Hi Karen, I know what you mean when you say about people saying or doing dumb things.   Your son , is in a better place?   Asked them to pick out one of their children and picture them in a "better place"  where they can no longer, laugh, cry or love that person again.  Asked them" what child did they pick to do this."  This is the hardest thing people can do.....that is bury their child..I am so sorry for my sons and all the other moms that have lost their children.......hang on Karen, I am sorry.    When people ask me if I am ok, I answer no, it takes a long time and you are truly never ever ok, you just learn how to cope with life........that is all......

 

Comment by Karen R. on June 18, 2012 at 9:56pm

Hello to all, it seems like we all have been kind of quiet lately. My heart , what's left of it, is still heavy. I miss my son so much. Many days I just feel like giving up but then I look at the bigger picture of how my children would be further destroyed by losing me also. Sometimes I think maybe I need a few days in a psychiatric unit.  Some days I don't to be fake to others about the pain I'm in. I still get angry when I hear my mother on the phone telling her friends or family members that I'm, that I'm "ok"........I am NOT!!!!!! Some days I just want to scream and cry as much as I want and shout about my tortuous pain, sometimes I fine myself zoning out, its like I watch myself from above.....really weird, hard to explain. It's I'm watching myself in a movie, better yet, a horror film! I see myself being tormented by thoughts that my 21yr old son....my baby, was tragically killed and he had a funeral......and then like a ton of bricks hitting me, I realize that I am not watching a horror film, I am actually in it! This really happened to my son. I try to convince myself that someone or something is controlling my mind to make me think this is a reality. This must be true insanity. I can't stand hearing from "lay" people.....meaning those who have not walked in my shoes, that tell me that these "things" happen for a reason, or that it will all be better with time. I know that they mean well and that may very well be true for some but not for me. I can not accept this. It does not comfort me to know that we must all meet this fate, for that does not comfort  a parent that had to bury their child. Time passing by only makes me angry because another second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year goes by without me hearing my son call me mother or mom, I am so f*@k!n mad!!!!! I hate this crap!!!! I want this to be a PERFECT world where we all live a PERFECT life, a place where death, pain, grief, hunger, sickness, greed, competition, jealousy and war DON"T exist. I know it's not realistic but hey, I can still hope for it. 

Comment by lynne thompson on June 15, 2012 at 9:39am

I so agree with you Karen, I would never be able to forgive anyoe that turned on any of my children........good for you , Grace, you will need not put up with their nonsense anymore, and maybe that can bring you some peace instead of hearing hateful words of your child....Never allow anyone to hurt you, we have been hurt enough by life.  

Comment by Karen R. on June 15, 2012 at 7:57am

Grace you are very welcome for my support. You just can't get into people's minds and hearts sometimes, I don't know why some people are so cruel. Everyone is different but for me, I would NEVER be able to forgive my mother or anyone else for that matter, if they turned on any of my children.

Comment by Grace on June 15, 2012 at 7:08am

Thanks everyone for your support.  It has been a long 3 years.  I am glad that I finallly found this site to talk to other people who have given me more compassion and understanding than the people around me have.  My marriage has been struggling. I have felt so isolated and alone.... still do. but this outlet has helped me talk freely and I think my direct home life with the husband is more tolerable... not great but civil.... maybe the marriage will survive this stress. 

My friends are very supportive but I really do not think anyone could possibly understand why even after 3 years... I am not going to be "OVER IT".  They still have thier kids.  Somedays it is hard for me to observe and keep quiet when I see them taking for granted that thier child is immortal.... when we all know here how "Random" Death can visit anyone of us.... I even find myself  "Over Protecting" thier kids. I think to myself "Don't they understand that that kid could injure themselves and be erased forever?"  (Some of these kids are world travelers... ski jumpers.... risk taker type of sports and activities)  and yes now they are young adults.... so are my 2 still living at home.   It is so hard to let them go.....  it is nice to also know that it is ok to step away from my family that have created more stress.  I need positives not more Evil and Hate in my life.  My mother's sister arrived for a visit with my mom... don't think I will see her... sure my Mother will Spin the truth  "Her Way".... No issues with my Aunt but will not go there... she will need to seek me out... I will no longer run into the "Burning Building" to try to gain a "Family relationship" that really has never existed  for years... I am just waking to that fact.

I

Comment by nadia on June 14, 2012 at 8:27pm

dear grace.. At loss to say anything meaningful... Cannot believe that your own brother and family would be so cruel towards you and Niles... those hurtful comments now that they way they treated innocent Niles.. I am truly at a loss to comprehend where they coming from and why they still carry on acting like they do... We should never stop talking about our loved ones... I will never stop tailing about my wonderful sister.. whoever does not want to listen.. they can stay off me... I have no need for people who cannot share or understand my love towards her.. and how much I miss her... they should been holding out to you rather than the other way rounds... so sad that they still do not get it..  

Comment by lynne thompson on June 14, 2012 at 5:03pm

I  am sorry Grace for all you are going through......I did not like somethings my brother and sister said and did about my son.   And to be honest, I do not contact them.....I am to hurt with my sons' death to bother with that b.s. that they did or say......I am suffering enough, so I chose to cut communications with them.....but that is just me......is it right?  I truly do not know, all I do know is right now, I just do not need more stress than what I have already............I am so sorry Grace, for I know what this feels like also......please do not get to stressed out for your body will start getting sick......take care, Grace....

Comment by Grace on June 14, 2012 at 4:44pm

Thanks Karen..... somehow I have had time to reflect how many times my family has let me down.... and especially did not accept my son....I am re-evaluating my priorities toward families.  others have said things like... "Your Mother will not be here much longer" as if I should feel guilty and go back a ask for her forgiveness and make good before she dies.... and my response is "My Son is No Longer Here"..... Yet I should just let his memory get walked on.... and after having this child for 14 years... I should have had an abortion and it is My fault I have given him such value as a Living Human Being..... OOOOOOOHHHH I get so angry..... Why should my Mother Be My Mother and this Child's Grandmother when she tolerates hearing this bullSh@t..... and then lies and covers it up and tries to blame me or make me look like I am over exagerating or lying.   I just can't believe that I should be the one to make amends with my family that has treated me this way.

Comment by Karen R. on June 14, 2012 at 11:40am

Of course not!!! Why should you feel guilty? My son's voice may have been silenced but mine's has not! I know you love your sooooo much! This all hurts so much and your "family" only adds to your stress and pain........shame on them.

Comment by Grace on June 14, 2012 at 10:03am

Onew of my sisters said she did not believe in talking about dead people anymore.... this after the whole incident where my brother argued with me and told me I should have had an abortion instead of having my Autistic son.... And she tells me that My Mother is upset with me because when she conbtinues to support this creep and heard him.... I told her she was Not My Mother or My kids Grandma to allow and enable my brother to be so evil and Bully us...   Some how I don't feel I should be sorry for defending the honor of my dead son.

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