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Comment by Lynn Williams on December 19, 2015 at 12:46pm

I am relieved not to be teaching anymore during this time of year. Seeing everyone happy and excited about the holidays would push me over the edge. Last Xmas we had a tree for my other daughter but this year I couldn't bring myself to get one. I gave her. all our family ornaments and we will spend Xmas at her house. Love to everyone here. Today I feel pretty down, maybe it's because it snowed last night and another memory of xmas's past.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 18, 2015 at 12:26pm

Teresa, that is so funny, I also want to yell at the world and tell them to stop being so happy!!!

Comment by Teresa D. on December 17, 2015 at 5:26pm

All month I have been lying.  Every classroom I walk in I lie to the kids when they ask about my shopping and decorating.  I tell them, "of course I did" and I say it with a smile.  I really want to YELL at the world and tell everyone stop being so damn happy. BUT....this is my grief not theirs. 

 

Comment by Lori on December 13, 2015 at 4:27pm

Teresa. Thank you for the reply. You are brave and give me hope.

Comment by Ammy on December 13, 2015 at 11:14am

Comment by Ammy on December 13, 2015 at 10:47am

Please join us this Sunday, December 13 for the 19th Annual Worldwide Candle Lighting in memory of all children gone too soon. For full information including services around the globe, visit: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2015_services.aspx. If there is not a service near you, or you would rather not attend a service, just light a candle for an hour wherever you are with friends, family, or in quiet solitude.

 

Comment by Teresa D. on December 13, 2015 at 9:54am

Lori and RJ as someone ahead of you I can't tell you anything that is going to make this journey easier for you.  I learned there are no magic words.

I know that sense of feeling lost, still experiencing it myself.  Holidays are very hard but in time they will begin to take new shape.  No one understands some of the things I do but to me they make total sense, like my tree outside that represents us all.  My fiancé learned the hard way DO NOT UNPLUG MY TREE!

To me that tree is our children shining bright.  When I look at it I think of everyone of us.

Michael's tournament while it is a bitter sweet event it is my new Christmas.

I'm going into selfish mode.  Yesterday Michael's tournament was a success.  One of the local businesses heard that we were also doing a essay contest with a hockey scholarship as a prize and so they donated a second cash prize.

I held myself together but I looked around the rink and just kept seeing my Michael.  When it came time to give a speech I went at it like a champ until the words started to come.  I then had to pause to fight the tears. 

This one was for you buddy! I hope your momma is making you proud.  I will live for you Michael. 

Damn how did I get here.

Comment by Lori on December 12, 2015 at 8:49pm

Hi Rj. I am fairly new here and don't comment much but I saw where you said you were having acid reflux. I never had even heartburn in my life but since my beautiful Cameron passed its awful. I even drove myself to the ER one night thinking it was my heart. Nothing but anxiety. I too feel like everything that used to be normal whether it be physical or mental will never be that way again. I did survive Cameron's birthday 11-23-88. Very very hard. My 3 year old grandson had a dream about his Uncle Cameron that warmed my heart. Everyday something different about Cameron comes to my mind that I hadn't' thought about since he passed whether it be a saying of his or just a joke we shared. I am lost without him. I don't know how to function. I'm rambling but it seems that's all I do now. I need my boy. He was not only my son but my buddy. He taught me so many things.

Comment by Rj on December 12, 2015 at 6:41pm

I have been over eating, i have put on so much weight since february which makes me feel worse, if thats possible. My back is hurting, i have been waking up with awful acid reflux, feels like i am having heart attack. My hair has gotten so thin, everything is so outta sorts. My mental state is equally as messed up and off balance.

Comment by Connie K on December 11, 2015 at 10:36am

My dear Jennifer. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. I lost my son suddenly in a car accident on Dec.1 2012. He was 17. We understand how devastated you are and are here anytime you need to talk or scream. I will send you prayers to and hope for the strength to get through this first holiday without your son. Hugs to you.

Jill also to you. You will make it through year 2 the same way you did this year. Day by day, minute by minute. And with the support of people who care about you. (((  )))

Teresa, I am still so admire you for putting together this annual tournament. It is such a beautiful way to keep Michael's memory alive and for others to keep benefiting from his life. But I know it is bittersweet.

I had a dream 2 nights ago where Daniel was about 12, once again it seemed that he was walking away I called to him . He came back and we had a nice long hug and I got to say I love you. It is that moment that I feel he came for a visit when he knew I needed it most. And altho I cherish seeing him and having that, waking up is the worst. I have been crying ever since....even after 3 years, it doesn't stop the intense need to see him again. Every skinny teenage boy I see, I do a double take! So all I want for Christmas is to believe that he's swinging on a star and existing in beauty and light. The pain is so hard this time of year and I hope for all of my friends here, some peace, love from your friends and family and to continue to love others for our children and through their spirit.I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this group to talk to. I love and appreciate you all.

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