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Comment by Karen R. on March 27, 2013 at 1:18pm

Hello everyone, Grace, oh my goodness, I have horrible visions of my son's organ harvest also! Mainly because of my guilt and regret for even allowing it, I now feel like I gave in too soon...it was only a week. I do understand that there are some parents that are ok with making that difficult choice and that's fine but now I constantly feel like I was a part of his demise, especially when I hear or read about someone who had my son's prognosis of being brain dead with no chance of recovery, recovering. Some people say that if he had recovered, he probably would not have been the same and maybe he would've been angry with me for that outcome but my selfish need to have my son here with me makes me feel like the gamble would have been worth it. Now I want him back!!!!! NOT later, right NOW!!! My son passed away in Oct 2009. I was hoping that the harvest would just be like a surgery, since I only consented for them to take ONE kidney, I was hoping he would recover and come with me because I rationalized that he could still live with only 1 kidney.....sounds crazy but thats what I really believed, I was hoping that he would have a miracle and prove all the docs wrong.

Thanks for letting me express my thoughts.

Comment by Grace on March 27, 2013 at 5:49am

I read the medical records from the ER and all the way through to where he was then named "Organ Donor"..... for almost a year I dreamed of the Organ Harvest and of us leaving the hospital with him still laying in the ICU Bed.... I also dreamed about Cremation.... horrible !!! Sometimes I am afraid to talk about what has been in my mind because I feel like they may lock me up.    I still have flash backs... I still feel pain...  And after almos 4 years... I can not believe he is gone... or feel guilty that I have still gone on.... somewhat.   I have had some good days....but I alway think about him and miss him.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 27, 2013 at 12:51am

I read my sons autopsy report. I'm afraid of almost everything when it comes to his death. But he was my boy. And I felt like I had to know everything about him.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on March 26, 2013 at 10:33am

Linda~ Karen had a good solution. Since your son was under the care of a doctor, you might also want to check with him/her in getting a copy as well. Hugs to you!

Comment by Ann Edmondson on March 26, 2013 at 10:30am

Connie~my hugs to you especially this week. I would recommend going to your family gathering. If it gets to be too much you can always leave. But, you may find it rewarding as well. Talk about your son with family. Remember the good times you had.

Comment by Karen R. on March 26, 2013 at 10:17am

Hello Linda, I am not sure but maybe contact your city or county's medical examiner office. This is all so crazy. I have nightmare's about my son's exam. I guess everyone has different reasons for why they need/want it. I sympathize with you because it was something so rare, that's just awful. I read a couple of pages of my son's but after that, it made me emotionally and physically sick....if I saw pictures, I would just die. Sending hugs to everyone.

Comment by linda hernandez on March 26, 2013 at 6:44am

i believe the hardest thing to loose is a child i dont my self have any idea of how to go about getting my son autopsy report something i know i would like to have cause i know he had a rare form of cancer and cure rate wasn't good but don't know how so if any one knows please help me before it get to late he has been gone 9 months pleaseeeeeeeeeee

Comment by Connie K on March 25, 2013 at 10:27pm

Dear shelley

 I am so sorry for your pain. I still have not been able to look at my son's autopsy report. He was killed in a car accident as a passenger. It is just something that is so hard to do and it took a lot of courage on your part.

My son's birthday is this Sunday and he would have been 18. And the person driving has finally been charged and we have to go to court this Friday and I don't want to see any pictures. It is all just too much. Too much. Even after 4 months I can not believe he is gone. I am so sad I cannot stop crying. I try to be strong because I know that's what he would want but it is physically debilitating for sure sometimes. I know how it feels to not want to go on. My family wants us to come for Easter dinner but I don't even think we can. My husband is getting a tattoo that day because he had promised my son that they would do it together on his 18th birthday. It's gonna be a tough week and life without him but thank God I had him. I just wish you some peaceful moments when his spirit is with you and want you to know you are not alone.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on March 25, 2013 at 9:32pm

Shelly:~ I know it is hard right now.  No words can really ease your pain. I could tell you all of the so called "helpful" things that others tell you. But to be honest, none of us want to be members in this group. Any one of us would gladly be any where else than here. For me, though, it has helped having my faith and church family. Is there anyone you can go to to talk with in person? Was there anyone with you when you read the autopsy report? I commend you for reading it so soon. I could not read my son's report for almost 6 months. Even then I had people with me "just in case" I needed extra support. If you are willing, I would be happy to talk with you. You can email me anytime. You asked why and how can you go on? I can only give you the reason why I do ---- I go on for other children, grand children, and great-grand children. Yes, there are the aches knowing I will never have these things from my son, but I am grateful for having him for the time I did. There are NO wrong or right ways to grieve in your life. Each person is different and grieves at different stages. Some days are better than others. It is on the better ones that I can smile at the memory of my son. I cry my eyes out on the bad days knowing his is no longer on this earth. But like I said, I am willing to talk anytime to help, just give me a jingle.

Comment by Shelley on March 25, 2013 at 8:20pm

I got my sons autopsy report today and the sick images of him being on their table and them doing the things I know they did to him make me want to die. I miss him so much.  He was amazingly amazing, beautifully beautiful, and heavenly heavensent while being imperfectly perfect. Why and how can I go on?

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