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Comment by Dick on January 20, 2016 at 10:56pm

Yes, I haven't been on much. I just buried myself in work and physical work for the past months since August. We quit going to therapy and Compassionate Friends. We hardly talk about my son because it is so hard, 5 year and the pain is still here. Life is cruel.

Comment by Jill E on January 16, 2016 at 7:49pm

I read these words here and I hear these same words in my head, the same pain in my heart.
I spend my days trying to keep my brain busy so I don't let myself think, so I don't drop into that big black hole, to try to hold back the pain. I am tired so tired but sleep is hard to come by.

Comment by Lori on January 16, 2016 at 5:41pm

I had myself convinced that I could make it though the day without losing it...then I saw Camerons drivers license. There is my boy right there alive and smiling. Here it comes, the flood of sickening emotions. This is when I could run and scream and cry that my boy should still be here. My best buddy should still be here.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 15, 2016 at 7:38am

Mona I am so sorry you are here joining us. Your daughter is beautiful.  We are here to support you in anyway we can. 

I know the feeling of feeling lost.  I feel lost without my Michael, he was my buddy, my little smurf.  

 

Comment by Lori on January 15, 2016 at 6:49am

She is beautiful. I'm so sorry. I never really know what to say except I know your awful pain and I just hate that for anyone. I'm sure she has met my Cameron by now. I'm so sorry

Comment by Mona Wills on January 15, 2016 at 6:31am

I lost my 17 year old daughter on 12/12/15.  She got into a vehicle with a guy who had been drinking, he lost control of the vehicle, that had 5 other people in it and only my child died.   I miss her so much.  Someday's I feel a bit better, but most of the days are like today, where I cried for most of the day.   I know it's too soon to expect to much more and when I do have a decent day, I feel guilty for feeling human.   I feel so lost without her.  She was my baby girl and she was like my twin in so many ways.  My husband and I both are going to Compassionate Friends which did seem to help on our first visit but since he is often on the road, who knows  if we will be able to do that together very often.   Anyway, this is my precious daughter.

 

Comment by Rj on January 11, 2016 at 4:16pm

Dolly...i have been feeling so much like what you described. Seems like the more time that goes by, the more distant i feel from larry. I keep praying, keep saying he must be settling in, up in heaven. Hes still close in my heart but i feel a dufferent type of sadness, lonliness. I read something the other day "grief swallows you whole but digests you slowly". It sure does. Im working on getting a better understanding of faith and hope....i have got to find this faith. Life is so flat, im just existing these days snd like you, all of you, im tired. Love to all

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 11, 2016 at 11:19am

sorry so many typos... I am on my tablet .... its more difficult

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 11, 2016 at 11:18am

Dolly,

You have always been so full of love for Brandon, please dont beat yourself up about being careless etc... we are only human. I empathise with everything you all say. Often I catch myself telling Micks about how soory I am when Iread some chat of some years ago when he would say, "hmmm so u r busy, don't have time for your son?"in response to a chat when I would have had teachers in the room and got busy and told him 'talk later' or something....i feel filled with remorse as to why did I ever say that, why did I then not get back immediately as I was away working and he was for a while at home with my parents.... I want that time back and I want to talk to him and say how stupid mummy was. I just want him back , I want that feeling of taking each otner for granted knowing that wwe will always be tied wiikth these bo ds of love....but thats not to be....

Ccconnie, read the article. It is very insightful and though every journey is unique noone other than tjose who have lost their precious children will undnerstand but I am ok witn that.Let no one understand but somehow neeeeeed my darling boy back . Teresa, so many 'momentsss ' replay themselves , I am so tired. The other day whileee watching TV I was making faces at my husband to show him i am sleepy when Iii realised that I am doing what Micks did sometimes... he qould look at me and shut one eye half and keeeep it fluttering lime that.... It was sure to make me hoot with laughter... I was doing juat that and whhhile my husband was imitating me he didnt know how much in pain I suddenly was...well well well....dont know what to do

ng 

Comment by Dolly on January 11, 2016 at 9:32am

for me it just gets more numb... and the pain sneaks up like an black smack in the heart... black ice... I miss him with everything in me.. and as hard as I try to tell myself not to dwell on it I can't keep it from hitting me hard and fast whenever it 'wants' to ... I miss all the little reassurances I used to get... I still smell lilies all over the place but not so often... no more lights turning on by themselves.. sometimes a beautiful song strikes me and I think he is once again touching me in his way from heaven... but it seems like we are so far apart now... and I want him home or I want to go home .. but I still have my family here and I love them too... I thought I knew what it felt like to have your heart broken.. but I found out that never before did I really know what it feels like to have your heart crushed into the pain I feel whenever I think of my sweet boy... I am so sorry my darling that I didn't know.. I was so careless.... I didn't appreciate our time together like I should have..didn't cherish it enough..didn't know how precious and short our time would be... I am so sorry my darling boy... mama loves you so much...

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