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Comment by Teresa D. on April 26, 2013 at 8:18am

Jane, my daughter arranged a family dinner for my Michael's birthday.  It was difficult for me but I was surrounded by love and support.  His actually b-day was during the week so I was able to grieve privately, thank God cause it wasn't pretty, but come the weekend I was surrounded by those that loved him and loved me.  I was very proud of my daughter for doing it.  I won't lie and say it won't make you sad but at the same time it will give you some comfort knowing others share your love for your daughter. 

Comment by Jane P on April 26, 2013 at 5:38am

Karen, I am so sorry for your very tragic loss. I'm sorry for what you must still go through. So very difficult.

My daughter was diagnosed at the age of 18 with an inoperable brain stem glioma. I was her sole care giver for the next seven years.

I can't sleep and my mind replays over and over the horror of what she went through. It never stops. I feel so bad for her.

I feel so bad for all of us.

I appreciate everyone sharing their pain.

You are all such compassionate people.

Thank you

Comment by Karen R. on April 25, 2013 at 9:40pm

Hello everyone, Jane I know of that dark place you speak of. I wonder if I will ever truly have a brighter day. I haven't been on lately. My son's case is finally reaching the judicial process. I have to continue to be my son's voice. I need these entities to be held accountable for their reckless behavior that ultimately robbed my son's and my life.  Some of the new details that I am learning about what truly happened are so disturbing to hear because I have to sit quietly but I imagine my son is standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder, whispering, "thanks mom, they know what they did to me, hang in there mom for me". I focus on that as I discreetly sob and wipe my tears. It's so hard for me to contain myself as I look in their faces. I think to myself, wow, do they have children....which is funny because they absolutely REFUSE to answer that question when my lawyer asks. After them getting relentlessly grilled by my attorney, at least they can go home and hold and kiss their child/children. Their actions have left me forever broken.

Comment by Karen R. on April 25, 2013 at 9:22pm

Hey Adrienne, sorry for the delayed response. The answer is no., he is my oldest son but I have a younger son. There's about 6 years between them. I can imagine how losing your ONLY son would increase your pain.....sorry.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on April 25, 2013 at 8:47pm

Ammy ~ you expressed everything that needs to be said. Hugs!

Comment by Jane P on April 25, 2013 at 6:33pm

Michelle and Ammy, thank you both for having such big hearts. My heart goes out to both of you. You suffer but yet reach out to others. You have both suffered sudden loss. Your compassion has reached me. Thank you. I have planned a birthday dinner with my daughter's friends. I think that's why I was feeling a little sorry for myself. I never knew what real pain could feel like. And to think there are so many of us makes me shake my head and wonder how could this be?

Ammy, I loved reading about your tree tribute. How very peaceful.

Comment by Ammy on April 25, 2013 at 5:03pm

Jane, I know that each holiday and birthday are extra hard and it does seem at the time more than we can bear.  I hope you have support.  It can be even more devastating when you are dealing with it on your own.  

Are you planning anything for tomorrow?  Some find it helpful to do a balloon release or something in remembrance.  Doesn't have to be anything big.  It can just be you if you find it helpful.

To be honest, I can't remember if we did it for my son's birthday or his 1 yr anniversary.  How sad is that?  They are only a month apart, but I just can't remember.  We did have some family here and some wrote notes and attached them to the balloons.  I, myself, could have done without it, but others wanted it.  I mentally and emotionally was not there.  Just went through the motions.

The one thing my husband and I did together was to plant a tree at one of the places where my son liked to fish.  That I wanted to do and it was just the 2 of us.  I can go there whenever I feel like it and be alone for awhile.  I find some peace there listening to the water flow and remembering the times I would go there and spend a little time with my son while he was fishing.  

My profile picture is the tree when we first planted it.  I tied a little white ribbon on it so I would be able to find it.  About 6 months later my husband came home one day and said someone had broken off the top of the tree where I had tied the ribbon.  I thought that was such a cruel thing for someone to do, but the tree has survived.  I haven't been there since last fall and I am looking forward to seeing how big the tree is this year.

You will find something when the time is right for you if you're not up to anything right now.  Don't feel pressured.  Whatever you do or don't do is for you.  You must come first right now.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow and my heart is with you.  ❤

Comment by Michelle H on April 25, 2013 at 2:42pm

Jane, know that we're praying for you, especially tomorrow, your daughter's birthday. I don't know yet from experience, but can only guess how difficult that day will be. I don't even know what to say...

Comment by Jane P on April 25, 2013 at 2:23pm

Thank you Ammy. My daughter died Dec 2, 2012. I have been through her death and funeral, Christmas Day, Valentine's Day, Easter and tomorrow is her 26th birthday. Sometimes it seems too much to bear.

I am so sorry for your loss. Very tragic. You are very kind to take the time to help us that are newer to this process. Bless you.

Comment by Ammy on April 25, 2013 at 10:13am

So much pain being expressed here.  I am worried for some of you.  Especially the newer members.  We do not want another Sandy here.  You that have been here longer know what I'm talking about.

I want to say that there isn't a morning and times throughout the day that I don't think of my son.  I expect it will always be this way, but for those of you that are new to this grief I will tell you that it will become less intense as time goes on.  Then on some days or even weeks it will become more intense again.  I guess that's why it's described by so many as a roller coaster ride.  Once you get on this roller coaster you can't get off, but you adjust to the ebb and flow.  You learn how to let yourself be sad knowing it will eventually ease.  At least I hope this will be your journey to some healing.  

I am only expressing my feelings and experience.  Others may not have the same, but I want to give you hope while you are feeling there is no hope.  Remember, it is sometimes one minute at a time, one hour at a time, or even a day.  Just go with it.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel at that moment.  To fight it only makes it harder.

I don't believe we all grieve in exactly the same way, but our loss is  the same.

I truly believe that my faith has helped me.  I know it's hard to have faith when something like this happens to us, but for those of you that do believe, lean on that faith knowing that one day we will be with them again.

Jane, you are right when you say no one that has had this loss understands.  Only we understand and we are here for you.  We are here (I hope) for each other; just as we are here for ourselves.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all each and every day.

Sending hugs.  ❤

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