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Comment by linda hernandez on April 28, 2013 at 8:13pm

One of the first things we do when planning a trip is to get out the map and find the directions to our destination. We want to
know what cities we will pass through, what landmarks to look for, what kind of highways we will be traveling, and how long it will 
take to reach the place where we are going. 

If only we could do that with grief. Grief has no map to follow. Everything on this journey we call grief is new, uncharted territory. We don’t know what kind of weather we will be facing. We have no idea where to find rest stops along the way. We don’t know if anyone will be traveling with us. And, we have no clue how long this trip will take. We don’t even know where we are going! 
When we have no map to follow, the journey feels so frightening and lonely. We don’t look forward to each day with excitement 
and anticipation, but rather with fear and uncertainty. Only one thing can help us make this trip, and that is to grasp hold of some 
hope. 

Hope is buried deep inside the soul of every person, and it seems to know exactly the right moment to appear. A rainbow painting the sky with a brilliant array of colors. The twinkling stars that light up the evening sky. The peaceful sound of the waves gently rolling onto shore. An unexpected gentle hug from a caring friend. 

All are reminders that we have not been left alone to travel this journey of grief.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on April 27, 2013 at 11:31am

Ammy ~ what a beautiful poem. It so expresses not only your love for your son, but what many of us feel.

Comment by Ammy on April 27, 2013 at 11:19am

Sharing something I made to express the regret I had about packing up my son's things just days after he left us.

Comment by Ammy on April 27, 2013 at 11:14am

Sending blessings and hugs to each one of you.  ❤

Shirlee, I completely understand all your emotions.  I think we all go through a variety of them in the first years.  The denial and hope that this is not true.  The torment because it should have been us and not them.  Leaving their home, packing up their belongings.  These things put us through another emotional roller coaster.

It took me 2 years before I could take the sheets off of my son's bed. I know my family thought I was being extreme, but in the very first days my daughter came and said we needed to pack up his clothes and throw the older ones away.   I so regretted doing that a few weeks later that I became paranoid about anything of his.

Six months is still fresh and very hard.  Your emotions are 'normal'.  It's good to share your thoughts and feelings.  It may help in some way.  Especially knowing that you are not alone in them.

Many things still bother me, but I am better able to cope with them now most of the time.

I found writing about my feelings to be somewhat helpful, I even made a memorial page on Facebook.  I would post something there every Wednesday.  It was like I was visiting him.  I recently closed the page to the public, but I still visit it.  Some might say it's crazy, but it works for me and that is what we need to find ... what works for us. I also read articles that others have written about this grief.  Things similar to what Linda posted.  Just knowing we are not alone in this helps me at times when I need more help.  I hope you will find something that will help you to also get through the days.

Comment by linda hernandez on April 27, 2013 at 6:10am

If your child died suddenly, you probably are suffering extreme feelings of bewilderment, anxiety, self-reproach, and depression. You had no preparation and no time to gradually absorb the reality that the world was about to change dramatically.

There was a sudden destruction of the world you used to know. There was no gradual transition, nor time to make changes in yourself, your expectations about your life, or your world. In sudden death you are called upon to face a massive gap between the way the world should be, with your child alive, and the way the world is.

Your sense of the world and of control is assaulted. After a sudden death, the loss does not make sense. The critically important understanding of what happened is missing. The sudden shock of losing your child without warning so stuns us that we cannot comprehend what has transpired. Consequently, if your child died suddenly, you may be unable to grasp the situation and find it difficult to understand the implications of the loss. 

Because you were not prepared for the death and it had no understandable context, you will try to deal with your lack of anticipation by putting the loss into a series of events. You may find yourself looking back at the time leading up to the death and searching for clues that could have indicated what was to come. This tendency to reconstruct events in your mind in order to allow for some anticipation of the death is quite common. It is an attempt to restructure what happened so that it seems you had some inkling that the death was going to occur.

However, problems arise when you hold yourself responsible for not perceiving cues that were actually either imperceptible or nonexistent prior to the death. Frequently bereaved parents react emotionally and respond to what they perceive as unmet responsibility. One bereaved parents I spoke to, felt inordinate guilt for many years for not recognizing that her child had been having difficulty coping with life.

If you have lost a child from sudden death, you know that you had no chance to say good-bye and no opportunity to finish unfinished business with your child. 

We wish that we could have known in order to say and do what we wanted to; we wish we could have just one more brief moment with our child to tell them we loved them.

Comment by Shirlee Smith on April 26, 2013 at 11:17pm

Well last Friday the 19th marked six months since our son went home to be with Jesus and the family members who had gone before him. It was a very hard day for me and I cried most all day. I still cannot believe he is gone. I wish every day that this is all a horrible dream that I am having trouble waking up from. I was always so proud of him because he always said that when he had childern it would be when he found his forever lady and they married so I have no grandchildern from him to give my love to or tell them how much their daddy was loved. My husband and I are looking to buy a house on the other side of town so that we will not have to drive past the spot where he died that morning when he wrecked his truck. Every day  I cry when leaving to go to work and then as soon as I get on that road coming home I start crying again. Then I am torn about moving his stuff to the new home this was the home he knew. I would have given anything to take his place that day. He still had his whole life ahead of him. I am having the hardest time as to why he had to die.

Comment by Jane P on April 26, 2013 at 2:58pm

Thank you everyone for your kindness. Today feels very strange. Your thoughts have helped me.

Comment by Ammy on April 26, 2013 at 11:42am

Karen, I didn't realize there was an investigation into your sons accident.  Maybe you didn't express it or I missed it.  This must be so hard for you. Stay strong.  I love how you feel your son with you - encouraging you.

I hope it all goes well and swiftly.  May good conquer evil.   ❤

Comment by Ammy on April 26, 2013 at 11:37am

Thoughts and prayers are with you today Jane.  May you be blessed with loving memories even though you will be hurting.  One more thing for you to go through and come out okay.  There is a saying that says you don't get over grief, you get through it.  Each occurrence we deal with in our grief is another one we get through.  So, yes, I agree that we never get over it, we just keep getting through.  Hugs.   ❤

Comment by Michelle H on April 26, 2013 at 10:13am

Jane, I just wanted to wish your daughter a Happy Birthday! Peace to her mom on this bittersweet day. Sending prayers.

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