Comment

Comment by Connie K on January 11, 2014 at 12:25pm

Yes - I am afraid of forgetting anything also. I know what you all mean when you say that if you aren't feeling the grief and think of something else you feel guilty. I do too. It seems to be our last connection. But I know that the love is there too and will always be.

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 11, 2014 at 8:18am

Michelle,

yes all true.. the experiences are subjective so is the reaction. I was not annoyed with my friend but just felt that she didn't get what I feel which I am ok with as its all ok since loss is so personal...I can understand how deeply you must be feeling and wishing that you could have at least seen him.. I pray that you get all the strength and feel your son's love for you which by the way for all here I feel the deep connection we have had with all loved ones whom we 'lost'.

Dolly, you are the most wonderful soul and express yourself so beautifully and truthfully. I think we do feel that pain is a way of connecting and I think we exclude other feelings because right now pain is all we can feel. But I also know that in quiet times, when the mind and heart are still and receptive there enters a feeling of love so sweet and healing and it is again the connection with love shared. I would like myself to be more receptive and open to all such states as they take us beyond the pain.. don't know if i'm making sense.. but hugs and lots of love and kisses to all my dearest friends here .

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 10, 2014 at 7:21pm

I am feeling totally bumbed tonight too Dolly. When I forget my grief I worry about losing touch with Kyra. I know I should feel relieved when I feel better because at any time another wave of pain will hit me again.

Comment by Michelle H on January 10, 2014 at 4:57pm

Vasanthi, it's interesting how a person's comment to one member can mean something very different to another. It just shows how individual each of us is in our grief process and our experience of our personal loss. If a friend had said to me, "You must have wanted a chance to say bye to him," I would have agreed wholeheartedly. I didn't get a call from my son on my last birthday which occurred 8 days before he unexpectedly died. Because of the circumstances of his death, I never got to lay eyes on my son and instead held his cremated body in a plastic bag. The last time I saw Chris was Thanksgiving Day of 2012. I felt like I didn't get to say goodbye because I never saw him after that. I'm beginning to see how difficult it must be for others to say things to us because they really don't know how we'll take it. For you, that comment was hurtful. For me, due to my own personal circumstances, it would have showed some understanding. Interesting, eh?

Comment by Connie K on January 9, 2014 at 12:45pm

Dolly my heart is with you today. You have such a beautiful heart and soul and I am sorry you are feeling so sad. Great idea for space cleansing. It is important to clear any space where you feel negative energy might be affecting you. You can get a priest or any spiritual teacher or minister that you trust OR you can even do it yourself. There is a great book called "Creating a Sacred Space" I would recommend to anyone just as a good source for your life, your home. It helps you keep in mind that the power of light and good are always stronger than dark and evil. And we have within us this power and can say "stay away from me, this is MY space and it is filled with light and love and will always be protected by it."

I sure don't know why this happened to devastate our lives and often I am scared and feel guilty that I have cosmically quite by mistake brought some of the suffering into my life because I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it. I worry that now that my husband decided to go out and by a motorcycle that he will fall to the statistics but he gets so much joy from it that he doesn't any other way. And I like you Vasanthi, I just don't know if I could take another loss. that would leave me all alone in this world. It has never been death that I fear, but being left behind. And don't they say that you attract your fears? Then am I to blame? ARRRGGH. It just make me crazy to ponder. So I have to leave my ego behind and trust that there is something greater than myself and that I am not in control, so I am not to blame. And if I am in any way, then I can't change it now, I can only learn from this and try to be better. In any case, like Ann said, it is hard but so important to try to stay in the moment, in the day because as we all know too well, it could be our last.

Davi work at your own pace. The folks at your job are probably not judging you and how fast you bounce back. Just that you're back shows great strength even though you don't want to be there. If it feels too hard then you could probably ask for a little more time and they will understand. Most of your co-workers can't begin to imagine your pain and will be more understanding than you might think. On the other hand if going to work helps you focus on something else for a while, maybe that's good for you. Now that I have a broken arm I can't work at the job I have now so I am home alone while my husband works and I begin to pick up the pieces of my life. It seems there's no easy way, just the any way that helps you be able to deal with it. Wishing you all some peace today. (((  )))

Comment by Davi Burford on January 9, 2014 at 10:48am

I think having it cleansed and blessed will be a good thing because your right, what can it hurt but it could make all the difference in the world. Hugs to you

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 9, 2014 at 10:48am

Davi,

What about lighting a small candle at dawn and dusk and some general prayers as a routine? It helps tremendously in chanting what you are comfortable with.. even a small prayer like " Oh Lord make me an instrument of your peace.... St. Francis one or hail mary's or anything that appeals to you will help the home tremendously as prayer is an action which is positive and the results gained are tangible and intangible.. Maybe depending on the faith you have you can get a priest to come and 'cleanse' the home of any negativity? ... just some suggestions ... Dolly you are right.. we can surrender and pray and get some relief from negativity. xoxoxox.. now throwing myself in some housework, cleaning, dusting, mopping, ...that also helps :)

Comment by Davi Burford on January 9, 2014 at 10:13am

Vasanthi I agree with your post I agree with Adrianne as well I am on a roller coaster, I can't think clearly I am back at work but I just don't want to be, I feel like I am going to fail the company because I don't care right now about anything. I feel the same anxiety about your husband being late and worrying and wondering what has happened, mine is I am not wanting to let my kids walk to church anymore, its right across the street but that is how my son got hit was coming back from the church at dark. Added to my sons death is exactly 1 month before it my youngest was burned badly in a camp fire accident. My husband is adamant there is some kind of bad spirit at our house, my daughter immediately started asking was she next because both of her brothers had been hurt.

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 9, 2014 at 9:48am

Adrianne, so well said, the feelings described, its true. Yesterday on the phone a friend of mine said," you must have wanted a chance to say bye to him." She didn't get it..because that's the last thing I would ever want..I am actually very glad that I didn't say 'bye' and that our conversation was left hanging as always as one of us would get busy...pretty normal that has been.. it was always left hanging to continue from where we left as one of us had some work in between..and that's the way I want it...a 'to be continued'....I don't have the courage to say 'bye' to anyone I am close to. The other day Craig came in a little later than usual from work and at home I was hopping mad, all kinds of scenarios flashed through my mind, about getting a call that there has been an accident and then visiting the morgue, hospital whatever...I imagined the police asking me ," did you two fight?" , and me saying yes but I didn't think he would die and all such scenarios and then living with one more intense pain added on to an already crippled life...ughhhhh.. I know I don't and can't ever go through this again.. When he walked in saying sorry I got held up, all I wanted to do was slap him hard... I realized that I am carrying a lot of anxiety about loss in any form, and sometimes withdraw hoping I will be told that you are terrible, I can't put up with you and feeling immensely relieved that before anyone dies they can leave me, which will be better... at least then I can have anger as a fuel to my imaginary grievances...

Comment by Teresa D. on January 9, 2014 at 6:10am

Anne I get it.  The day after New Year's right away I started thinking about Valentine's Day because it is Michael's birthday. Your right instead of focusing on my next challenge date I need to just take in today and not race ahead. 

I seem to be having moments of confusion.  Can't keep focused or keep my thoughts straight.  

I just don't know what to say today. I don't know if I'm exhaling or shutting down. 

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