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Comment by Lynn Williams on January 20, 2014 at 9:50am

It seems all of us are in a very fragile state today.  The grayness day after day in Vermont is driving me crazy.  All I want to do is hold my Kyra in my arms, and try to understand why she had to leave me. My other daughter lives in Montana and I will not see her until May.  Right now I just want to survive and get through the winter. Amanda I am so sorry for your loss, your baby will always be with you.  The shock at first is so intense and numbing. Be kind to yourself and know that whatever you are feeling is normal and emotions cycle in and out so quickly sometimes.  I feel so close to everyone on this site and know when I am low you all understand and give support.

Lynn 

Comment by Davi Burford on January 20, 2014 at 9:35am

Oh Lynn that is such an awesome letter, thank you for posting. I love seeing how much my son was loved by others, not just his family

Comment by Lynn Williams on January 20, 2014 at 9:03am

I am so sorry Teresa that some one would say such thoughtless comments to you. Then say its to help you, not hurt you. I woke up to tears this morning when I clicked on a message Kyra's friend,sent to me,

It is so beautiful and now I can not stop crying.

• 
  

  Hi Lynn

  I couldn't fall asleep tonight and somehow found myself on Kyra's facebook page looking through pictures and reading all the wonderful things people have written about her. I was especially moved by reading yours. I find myself thinking about Kyra often, generally prompted by the most trivial of things. The other day while eating cheese I was suddenly thrown into a memory of being at your house in the middle of a SERIOUS fight because you bought the wrong kind of cheese and Kyra was not pleased. Oh Kyra. Or the other day just sitting on the couch I smelled this scent that was so familiar it took me a second to figure out what it was: Kyra. I wanted to cry and laugh all at the same time, because that smell, "that Kyra smell" as you put it, was just so distinct and beautifully Kyra. Or listening to the radio and that REM song "Shiny Happy People" came on, a song that Kyra introduced me to and that we listened to many times on drives back from Lexi's house that made us both so happy.

  But honestly, I don't really need a trigger to think of Kyra, because she is everywhere. Your wonderful kid will always occupy this unique irreplaceable place in my life and heart that no other friend (past, present or future) will ever be able to mimic. I can't imagine a time that I won't miss her. I just wanted you to know that not a day goes by that I don't think of Kyra and your family. I hope you guys were able to celebrate the holidays that Kyra loved so much and I also hope to see you all soon. Love to you all.

  Allison

Comment by Davi Burford on January 20, 2014 at 9:02am

Oh wow Teresa I can't even imagine how I would react to someone telling me to "snap out of it" even if they meant well by saying it, if you have never been through this horrible tragedy then you have no idea. As Vasanthi said you can't let them get you angry, you have enough of that on your own. Well I am very down today I feel like everywhere I turn today there is something there that reminds me of him. I forced myself up and out to work this morning, but I so do not want to be here, I think sleep would be a much better day

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 20, 2014 at 7:44am

Couldnt find the pic.. will attach later

Comment by Vasanthi S on January 20, 2014 at 7:43am

Teresa. they don't have a clue! dont even bother getting angry with that person cos its not worth it..

Amanda my dearest friend I am so sorry and I can only imagine how awful it must be to not have the little one around and I pray that you get the strength.. just think your baby was so small and now will be safely cradled in god's loving arms..normally I don't say such things because saying it hurts but with your baby I am so certain that the little one is playing and happy...Amanda like Teresa said  your baby is yours ..nothing and no one can change that fact ..sending you love and prayers and I am finding all my words inadequate.

This Valentine's day I told Craig that we will get another kitten and call him Valentino or Valentina depending on the gender. We already have tiger who I find is so amazingly sensitive to moods... without fail if I am at my lowest he comes for a snuggle and normally he doesn't do that except when he wants to play.Attaching a pic of us.. How is the Valentino idea?

Comment by Teresa D. on January 20, 2014 at 7:30am

Ok, I'm already pissed about the phone message only to open email and see this from the same person.  

"You know what. I'm sick of this, It's got to stop. you have got to pull yourself out of this. Michael would never want to see you this way. I love you thats why I'm telling you it's time to stop. Stop the self pitty, he's gone, but your here and now you have to get up. I know you are crushed, but now you have to get up. I have to say this. Its been too long you have to get up . This is Michael talking not me. If I was a medium I would hear Michael saying, "Mom, please smile again, laugh again, I'm fine live again for me. Thais what Michael would say. You can't bring him back so live for him. I know you will probably curse me for saying this, but I will anyway. Its time to get up. Stop telling everyone your the grieving mother and start telling yourself and Michael, I'm happy now for you I'll be happy now. Dont spend another day grieving, start celebrating, he is, he got to see the Kingdom of GOD, he's happy . God will send him back, you will see. He's waiting for you to smile and let it be. Then you will see Michael again."

Now I'm really friggin mad.  Oh Ok cause you say so I'll just go on and be happy.  Does she not get this is a process that we have to go through?  Does she not get I had Michael for 29 years and it's only been 16 months since he left.  Does she not know for months I was in a state of shock and now I'm facing the reality that I will never see, hear or feel him again.  29 or not he was my damn baby!!!!!!!!  Him and I had a strong relationship.  Michael would never think I'd just move on in life without grieving.  I have the right to grieve and I have the right to grieve the way I need to.  DAMN HER!   I'm so mad I can't even respond. 

Comment by Teresa D. on January 20, 2014 at 6:54am

Adrianne, that was so sweet of Don.  Michael had the perfect birthday, because while he looked like a big tough guy he had a heart of gold. They will always be our Valentines.  Maybe you could place a box of candy in the window for Don.  I'm going to find the strength and go get Michael cards. I think I'm also going to get a cake.  Hopefully instead of hugging the bathroom floor I can celebrate his life.

Joanne your never alone we are all with you all the time. 

Last night I received a message from an old friend who wanted me to know she met someone who lost their child and I should talk to her and the second half of her message was "because it is time for you (me) to SNAP OUT OF IT"  Now that someone told me to "SANP OUT OF IT" I'm over it!  How about that all I needed was someone to tell me to SNAP OUT OF IT! Of course I didn't return that call.  I think she means well but "SNAP OUT OF IT"?  How ignorant can she be?  Right now I feel like "SNAPPING HER OUT OF IT!  Yes I feel angry by it but I'm not going to respond.

I'm sorry I'm not grieving the way others want me to and that I'm not "snapping out of it".  But those trying to tell me how to be aren't wearing my shoes.

Comment by Teresa D. on January 20, 2014 at 6:09am

Amanda, sweetie we are all here for you and we all know the pain of losing a child.  It's never easy for anyone of us to see someone else join the group.  Our hearts are with you.

This is a safe place where you can scream, cry and share your thoughts and know you have complete understanding. This is a hard road to walk down and I don't think any of us want to see anyone have to walk it alone.

Your baby will always be your baby.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on January 20, 2014 at 2:10am

Teresa
I'm with you. I can't stand seeing the Valentine stuff either. I own a boutique and I really need to decorate my window. Im having panic attacks. When Don was maybe 6 a friend gave him $10 for his birthday. Without asking he crossed a busy street and purchased a heart box of candy for me. He was my Valentine all my life. He had a perfect heart shaped face and his widows peak made for a perfect heart.

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