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Comment by Vasanthi S on March 19, 2014 at 4:25pm

Teresa, Davi, Lynn, L, Connie, Dolly, and all the others...I think we are all trying so hard that the effort at being normal is causing so much anguish..Friends may be well meaning but since no one except the ones who have lost seem to understand, to hell with the others. this hurts everyday , every waking hour.. some days are just so difficult because along with this we also have to be functional. sometimes small things make me seethe with rage and even though I feel it , I wonder why I am so angry at the slightest slight. Then it comes down to ," I am missing my son sorely. I need him and he knows how devastating it is then why isn't he just reaching out, and why am I not able to reach him.. what a misery this is.. what possible lesson can there be apart from all who are born will die and why did this lesson have to be done this way for me to know it? I already knew it!!!! How and why should God deprive me of my only child who was absolutely enjoying his young life and take him away in the blink of an eye with no warning whatsoever? Maybe just maybe it is to show that death doesn't mean absence? I feel crazy.

Comment by Lynn Williams on March 19, 2014 at 2:24pm

If another friend says to me,your doing so so much better than I thought you would. I just want to shake them and scream would you rather see me come unglued in front of you. Then you surely would avoid me. When I walk away the guilt starts, "what's the matter with you didn't you love your daughter enough, your not crying 24/7 anymore. I run to the car after such an encounter and cry
uncontrollably. It is always the mothers who still have all their children. Why do they judge me I ask myself, can't I experience a few hours of distraction from the pain and not be a bad mother. I am sobbing as I write this. Do you have to chose loneliness or be judged not sorrowful enough. My friends who never had children seem to be the most comforting and supportive. I thank you all for being here sometimes the outside world is too much to deal with.

Comment by Davi Burford on March 19, 2014 at 12:15pm

Don't be sorry Teresa that is why we are here so you have a place you can release your real feelings because we are feeling them also or have felt them in the past. As for me I am in the same place, it truly sucks and yes this to shall pass but until then vent sister :) I am having bad day myself 

Comment by Teresa D. on March 19, 2014 at 12:12pm

I'm sorry I know this will pass. 

Comment by Teresa D. on March 19, 2014 at 12:11pm

Connie, I'd love to see snapshot of your concert.

It's been 18 months since Michael left and I still don't know who the "new me" is, maybe this is it.  I know I'll never be who I was.  Some of me is gone.

Davi, I not only grieve the lost of my Michael but I grieve the lost of his future.

Who am I kidding?  I am so damn lost right now.  I feel stuck between disbelief and reality.  One minute I'm telling myself NO and the next I'm crying over not being able to call him.  I'm so damn miserable.  Me and all my talk about reaching a better day.  It's bull damn it.  I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get to a better place.  I sit here trying to be positive and yet today I hate the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment by L on March 19, 2014 at 11:16am

As I said yesterday, this forum is wonderful.  It is like an old coat that you put on and feel warm and comforted. I will repeat myself by saying that I am grateful for the support and friendship and guidance in coping and knowing that there is life affirming power in the circle of people here. If we can help each other in steps to that "new normal" it is our gift from our children. Thank you Vasanthi for the beautiful poem.... thank you Connie for sharing my feelings....thank you Connie for having the courage to SING (wonderful) ..... thank you to all that are here in words..... you have made my day.  My Best....L

Comment by Connie K on March 19, 2014 at 11:01am

That is a beautiful passage Vasanthi - thank you.

Dolly - at this point I am not sure of which sings exactly we will be performing. It is a 3 hour event so there will be quite a few! I will let you know as we rehears and select the material. For sure  I will be doing "Dancin' in the Sky"! Thanks for asking. It will definitely give me something to work towards and help in getting our band back together. I have gotten messages that he wants me and his dad to keep playing together. And I have also heard him say "sing like a bird mom". Music is the universal language and really can help transcend the pain for a bit.

Comment by Davi Burford on March 19, 2014 at 7:30am

That is beautiful Vasanthi. I am having such a down day and I have only been up for a few hours. I just can't seem to keep the tears at bay today. 

Comment by Vasanthi S on March 19, 2014 at 6:38am

What I pasted below may help us

Comment by Vasanthi S on March 19, 2014 at 6:38am

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts, 
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, 
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, 
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, 
and He bends you with His might 
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, 
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

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