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Comment by Eva Van on April 17, 2014 at 1:00pm

My grandchildren are 5 hours away. I Skype with them once or twice a week. Today marks the first month since her loss. I am finding it difficult to find someone who will listen to me so I can let the burden of saddness and pain escape the bottle inside. As grief is personal others do not wish to hear the negative emotions and pain I am currently smothered in. It is building up great anxiety. I am glad others can move on and be positive...but for me, my view is warped by anguish and the cliches hold no value, for in my heart the definitions have changed. Hope is a concept people hold to and I no longer believe in. Now I just wait for the next trauma, the next tragedy and ask myself if I truly am strong enough to endure more pain..because if this makes me stronger...what is the strength for ? The next blow...? That is the thought which truly terrifies me. I have survived much in my life and I am now at an age where they are piling up and this hope of better, happier days no longer feels attainable. I am broken...like a prisoner of war in a concentration camp who can only endure so long before the mind rebels from the torture.  

Comment by Connie K on April 17, 2014 at 11:25am

Thinking of uo and Niles today Grace. My Daniel's B-day was just 2 weeks ago and it set me in a downward spiral that I'm just trying to get out of. For a mom, the memory of the birth of her child is part of every cell in your being. As is the death... But his spirit lives on and will be with you.

Eva Van I am so sorry to have to welcome you also. My son also died in a car accident and the sudden loss is so hard to believe. and as painful as it is, You are not alone. we do understand how crushing the grief is. Are your grandchildren close by?

Comment by Michelle H on April 17, 2014 at 7:35am

Happy Birthday, Niles! Grace, peace to you on this bittersweet day.

Comment by Teresa D. on April 17, 2014 at 6:04am

Janie I am so sorry.  Forgive me for not acknowledging you.  It breaks my heart every time someone new comes into the group.  If I could take away everyone's pain I would.  

Michael has been gone for 19 months yet I feel like I've been crying forever.   

Comment by Teresa D. on April 17, 2014 at 5:55am

Eva, Michelle is right it is always so difficult to welcome someone new to the group.  It seems crazy to say "welcome" under these circumstances, however, WELCOME. I hope you can find the comfort and support that I have been able to receive from others. 

Comment by Teresa D. on April 17, 2014 at 5:41am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NILES!!!!!

Comment by Michelle H on April 16, 2014 at 8:55pm

Eva, it's always so sad to see a new parent on this site. It means that someone else is feeling the worst pain there is: the loss of a precious child. I hope you find the friendship, comfort, and consolation here, as we all know what that experience is like. There are some kind, compassionate people here to support you. "Welcome" seems trite, but I'll say it anyway: welcome.

Comment by Eva Van on April 16, 2014 at 8:29pm

My daughter passed away March 17th 2014 in a single car accident...she was 24...married with 3 beautiful little girls. I don't want her to be gone. I got to tell her everyday I loved her...I was blessed with a beautiful, caring, wonderful child. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact she is gone. I keep expecting a phone call, a text, her voice announcing herself in my home. 

Comment by Grace on April 16, 2014 at 6:38pm

Tomorrow ... April 17.... My Niles  WOULD BE TURNING 18..... trying to erase the date in my brain... no one should have to say would have been on our child's birthday...... Memorial Day weekend will be 5 years....   

Comment by Connie K on April 16, 2014 at 1:44pm

Dear Janie I am so so sorry for your loss. Your son is a very handsome young man. I also lost my son at age 17 on Dec 1, 2012.

It must have been a very difficult year for you and your family awaiting the autopsy report and then to still have no answers. I hope you can find some support and comfort here.

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