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Comment by Grace on April 17, 2014 at 8:12pm

So in spite of me trying to ignore the pain.... Niles Birthday was today.... I posted earlier that he would have been 18... I was wrong...He would have been 19!  How could I miss a year?!  I posted his picture on facebook... was frustrated because there are so many snap shots of him in my mind but I have trouble finding them on the computer to post.   My daughter found my favorite Birthday photo and posted it... and his Heart recipient also posted a photo....  then I posted Jin Croce song  Photographs and Memories  Youtube song....  Photographs and Memories.... these are all I have  to remember you.... there will be no more birthday pictures.... picnic pictures.... only the pictures I have...no more new ones..... and I cherish all of the photographs and memories.... and I cry in spite of my trying to hold it together after 5 years.....  Thank You all who have said your birthday greetings.... I have had friends that have called...my daughter, and my husband.... but none of my siblings....  sad....Some people don't think it is important to remember he was here and existed?   But even though I cry,,,, I cherish those photographs and memories.....

Comment by anne on April 17, 2014 at 6:30pm

My miserable head hurts so much today. I want someone to come over and stomp on it.

Comment by anne on April 17, 2014 at 6:28pm

Dear Eva, You came to the right place. I think I can say for all of us that we know your pain. You just go right ahead and let it out. That's what we're here for. I don't think there's anything you can say that I myself haven't already said. We are here for you. I have buried 2 of my children at separate times, so sadly to say that experience of this journey is in abundance here. I'm sorry you have to be a part of this club that has been forced upon you. I just want you to know that God did not do this to you, and he did not take your precious child away from you. However I have found it very helpful to yell, and scream at God. He has big shoulders, and knows our pain. I'm pretty sure if someone was going to be struck down for blaming, and screaming at God, it would've been me. I still find myself yelling at him on occasion. So go ahead and let it out! There's no time limit, and no instruction manual for this kind of grief. Every time a new person comes to this site I wish I could hold them in my arms. However I am holding you in my heart. This journey really sucks. Just know that here every thought and feeling you have is understandable. We do not judge. We support. Many hugs to you today. 

Comment by Eva Van on April 17, 2014 at 4:54pm

I know this war I am waging is internal...this struggle to redefine my life without a treasured part of my heart. I called her from birth my "heavenly" Devan Lee. I can't help but wonder if I didn't feel that she was my angel on earth he might not have wanted her back so soon...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on April 17, 2014 at 3:58pm

Eva, there is a FB page for Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents...you do not have to have an account to view the page:

 

https://www.facebook.com/TCFUSA

Comment by Connie K on April 17, 2014 at 3:25pm

And it is very unfair. And they may have to live without you - you're right we never know. That's one of the hardest and most valuable lessons we come away with - time is precious. But I believe your daughters spirit lives on and she needs you now to help be there for her children. I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. I know that some days you feel like you just can't do this for the rest of your life. So it helps to take it one day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time and keep talking here no matter what you are feeling. We have all been in that dark abyss where it feels like there is no hope. But there is because we are here for each other.

Comment by Eva Van on April 17, 2014 at 2:33pm

I am coherent enough to know that my words will tend to scare people, they at times frighten me...I am only giving them release so they do not fester anymore within where they can do more damage. Yes, there are days I give them weight in my darkest moments but I stumble around and manage to find pinpoints of light. When you say my grandaughters need me, I know how much they "need" their mother. I know how much I "need" my daughter. I feel cheated. If they can live without their mother...it translates into my brain that they can live without me as well. Who is to say I cannot go in a car accident tomorrow...basically the line means I cannot make the decision, only the power that is. I find that very unfair.

Comment by Michelle H on April 17, 2014 at 2:17pm

I can hear your desperation. I hope you are not considering doing anything to harm yourself. Your granddaughters need you very much.

Comment by Eva Van on April 17, 2014 at 1:41pm

I just do not want emotions anymore...If I am not allowed to "go to a better place, with no more pain or suffering and be happy"...I'm pretty sure my last option is a labotomy

Comment by Michelle H on April 17, 2014 at 1:32pm

Eva, you are reaching out to the right people here on this site. We all understand the pain that you're feeling. Many of us I have also endured other gut wrenching exexperiences that compound the grief that we feel. Truly you are not alone. Contact any of us either individually or on the main site and we will support you, just as we hope you will be able to support us when we need it.

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