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Comment by Rita on August 30, 2016 at 11:54am

I live on a farm and I don't want to go out of the house. There are so many reminders of my Son, Jesse that it makes it hard...I don't want to go to town for fear I will see someone and they might ask me about the accident or how I'm doing.

Jesse was a welder by trade but he could do anything and I mean anything....He was very smart and talented, very creative. He could take junk and make something beautiful out of it.  I see all the things he fixed, created or worked on when I go outside and it is just too much for me to bear right now. This where he grew up and I see the little boy that was driving a tractor at 5 years old. Being a daredevil with his bike, building all the jumps and mud puddles to ride through. The swings in the barn, climbing the hay to get higher....so he could swing farther....The remnants of happier days and innocence gone.... when he was still a little boy eager to explore and experience everything.....  The grief is overwhelming!!

It's not the way it is suppose to go!!! I die first....not my children!!!

Comment by Rita on August 30, 2016 at 11:24am

I'm Rita and I like so many on this site have lost a child. An adult Son and my only Son. It happened July 5th, 2016. He was 38 days away from being 38 years old. Before this happened to me I couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a child and I didn't want to think about how much pain that would be and now I know and I wish I didn't. I have had a lot of hard days....I still have 2 adult Daughters. They miss him terribly. I can't talk about him without crying, I can't look at his picture without crying. Just thinking about him is painful...

He died in an auto accident on a rural road that he knew like the back of his hand. He had a defibrillator/pacemaker from a heart attack he suffered 2 years ago. We think he had a heart attack and caused the wreck. There was no skid marks of any kind, no attempt to stop or correct himself. He just put the pedal to the metal and hit the ditch (a very shallow ditch)and then a tree. Going at a very high rate of speed according to the Trooper. I guess he was after seeing his truck. I keep replaying when the Trooper came to my door in the early morning hours to tell me. I knew it was bad news....I just didn't expect it to be one of my children! I've been in shock ever since...I keep replaying that morning in my mind over and over and over...The pain is unbearable. There is nothing as painful as losing a Son or Daughter.........I wish I didn't know!!!

Comment by Bruce on August 30, 2016 at 10:03am

Thanks Dolly and Jill for your support.  It's nothing short of insanity.

Comment by Jill E on August 30, 2016 at 12:42am

Bruce-I am so sorry about your daughter. Please know that we are all here for you. None of this makes sense. I also pray that there is life after this.

Comment by Bruce on August 29, 2016 at 8:17pm

Hello everyone.  I lost my beautiful Jaclyn on July 4th.  It was late at night and some kids set their band up under a highway overpass.  Jaclyn and her friend walked away and sat on the train tracks. It was 11:30pm, but an Amtrak was delayed several hours and came through late.  The police said the noise must have caused them not to hear it, plus it was in a NO-HORN zone... Dash camera from train showed that they never even flinched.  She was 9 days away from her 21st birthday.  We go to bereaved parents groups, and I read a lot, but like all of you understand, I think about her 99.9% of the time all day, every day.  I'm only 46, and the rest of my life is looking dark. I have 2 sons who are 18 and 16, so I know I can't just curl up in a ball and die - but I MISS HER SO MUCH.  She was an amazing, kind and caring person, and I pray that there is life after this one on earth.

Comment by Ammy on August 23, 2016 at 2:04pm

I know I haven't been here lately. I find it hard to be, and yet I am drawn back to see how you all are doing and praying that you are okay. But then there are the new moms and it seems to start all over again. I keep hoping that there won't be any new comers and that it will end, but I know that won't happen either. I am so sorry for your losses and for your pain.
But it's a blessing that we have this site to share, empathize, encourage and provide emotional support to one another.
Connie is right when she says it comes in waves, but that is after awhile. In the beginning it is wave after crushing wave. Our lives, in a sense, can now be compared to the ocean: the size of the waves and the storms we must navigate through. Definitely not easy.
I pray you all grow in strength and peace. I keep you all in prayer. Many hugs.

Comment by Connie K on August 21, 2016 at 8:18pm

Hugs to you all. I just got back from my niece's wedding north of Seattle. So good to see everyone and I love my niece dearly. She also lost a 2 y.o. baby sister at age 5 and is 35 now. Just beginning to deal with what was never dealt with. So she included a section during their ceremony to remember those who we miss and who would want to and SHOULD BE there. Me and my sister-in-law and her partner's mom all played singing bowls for about 30 seconds. It was beautiful and made it even harder - I miss him SO SO much. When the plane landed today, I just started crying. It is so hard to come home to this town and this house where he will never physically be. How can this be? How could he have died that night? WTH do I do now? We all know how this grief is like waves, forever coming. This time it feels like a tidal wave. How can life be going on? I long to feel some desire for anything. Vasanthi my sweet Vasanthi you are so right. This is not the same life. But the second life is bound by the first.  Two new babies in the family within 2 weeks. Another nephew's wedding next year.... life goes on and I feel mine has stopped. And everyone seems to know what I should do to "feel better" and move in a more "productive way" except me. And no one but those of you here get it. I pray for us all and send you all love

Carolee, I am so very sorry for your recent loss. I am so sorry <3

Comment by Patty on August 21, 2016 at 1:06pm

Vasanthi, your words resonated with me.  There are 2 lifetimes in one life.  Before and after.   The after for me doesn't feel worth living.  Everywhere I go all I see are parents and children.  It doesn't matter if anybody else is there because all I see are parents who have their children.  Sometimes I still feel like I'm in denial.  I just can't believe that my beautiful daughter was taken.  How can the world still turn without her in it?   My world doesn't.   So depressed today.  Thanks for listening.

Comment by Jill E on August 21, 2016 at 1:11am

Although we are all different from different places in the world we have this "language" that we all understand. The words you say are words I hear in my head and heart. The pain, heartbreak, loneliness that we feel that others just don't understand. We are here to hold each other up. I am so thankful I found you all. You understand me. WYWH My Josh-I will never ever understand why you are gone, why my son...this horror we are all living through shouldn't happen to us...

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 20, 2016 at 9:56pm

Its like a different lifetime  now, one when I was with my son and now its another lifetime, 2 lifetimes in one life...ughhhhh

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