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Comment by Jesse's Mom on May 30, 2014 at 3:19pm

I am coming up on the twenty month mark of my son Jesse, passing. I cannot believe still that this is my reality. We still live in the area where he grew up so everything is a memory for me...driving down the road, going to the store, or a stop a park....it is overwhelming me.

 

I have found that nature is not healing for me. This is because my son loved being outdoors and being close to nature. I have been spending more time with my parents who live in an urban area just so I won't keep triggering panic and anxiety attacks.

 

For some, I know being close the last location their loved one was works, for me I have found it is the opposite...so many reminders that he is not  here....too many days I want to go screaming and jump off the edge of a cliff..

This all just makes me mad, because of this being my second child loss and the way he died, he was on the way to his doctor's appointment that I encouraged...like three days before his death I told him, "Make sure to go to the doctor"...I am so angry...

Now forever live with that being in the back of my mind, no matter what, it will never be erased until I die...I tried to serve God and so did my son, I do not understand my fate here...and I too pray for a short life. Everyday.

Comment by kim on May 30, 2014 at 7:32am

thank you Theresa, I know you all understand my pain. joining this group and talking to people that are going through what im going through makes me know im not alone in my suffering. im so very sorry everyone is going through this to. to see how all of you reach out to me is beyond anything I could ask for right now. I too peak in a few times a day just to read what others are saying.  yes I have planted a garden in shawns name, a butterfly bush and a beautiful angel and a rose bush that suddenly was on my front lawn, I know my shawn sent it to me, so we replanted it in the garden. the support in here is unreal. people really do care and share there losses to. I wish I could hug everyone aqnd help them in a small way, but I know the pain im in I cant help them when I cant help myself. ev ery night I pray I die and every morning I wake up, upset that im still here. I thank you all from the bottom of my broken heart for being here when I so badly need it. I hope we all can see a light behind all this darkness,

Comment by Teresa D. on May 30, 2014 at 6:47am

Dolly that is soooo sweet.

Kim just know we all share the grief that you feel.  I know how it feels like even though your breathing you feel like you died the day Shawn left. You wonder how you will ever be able to pull it together and function again. 

I now realize my world is different now.  Like this site. I can't go a day without checking in for that support.  Even when I seem missing I'm here peaking in and reading. 

I haven't found my way through this storm and even though I have days when I think I'll never find my way people like Anne give me hope that one day I will be able to smile for real again. 

We will NEVER stop being moms and we will NEVER stop loving our kids.  And while other moms might now understand us (we don't want them to) we understand us.

Comment by Connie K on May 29, 2014 at 4:15pm

I love this illustration Dolly and the song. Of course it made me cry. I just feel adrift in a big ocean like that. It just makes me horrified all over again everytime I think, he's not coming back. ever. Not the way I want him to.

Comment by kim on May 29, 2014 at 7:48am

Theresa, thank you and im so very sorry for your loss. its been so hard, and empty. my life means nothing anymore. shawn is my life and always will be, in a few days his stone will be on, I want it there but at the same time im so afraid, I don't want to know its final, I feel the stone will make me see that. I want to dream again and see him, talk to him and dear god I want so bad to hear MOM again one more time. how will we ever go on, I don't understand,

Comment by Teresa D. on May 29, 2014 at 6:06am

 I feel so lost.  I don't know what to say anymore.  I want to be able to offer words of encouragement to new comers but I can't find the words. 

I'm not sure but I think I was stuck between disbelief and reality now I think I'm moving more towards this is REALITY!

Carebear's Mom your daughter is so pretty.  I cried when I read "Mommy it's me"  funny how we miss the small things so much.  I miss Michael resting his arm on my head and cracking jokes about me being short.

Kim I am so sorry I haven't had much to say to support you. I'm just a little lost right now.  But please know I read everyone's post.  I want so much to stop new people from coming to this place.  I don't want anyone to feel this horrible pain. 

Kim you are valuable to me.  Crying is okay. I have been crying everyday since September 14, 2012.

Comment by Carebear's Mom on May 27, 2014 at 5:56pm

PS...I lost my first daughter when she was 11 months old. That was in 1974. I have lost both of my daughters...I have my twin boys who are 27.

Comment by Carebear's Mom on May 27, 2014 at 5:41pm

This is my daughter. She was 38 and died suddenly of an accidental overdose on prescription drugs. She was in a program and was at a motel with her 4 year old and another mother with her children. It was close to midnight. She fell asleep and no one could get her to wake up. The EMT's could not resuscitate her so they called her death on April 13. She has four children who are everywhere. One is in a group home, two others are with family, and the eldest is 18 and living with cousins. My daughter stopped paying for her life insurance so I had to raise the money to bury her. It was so hard. The coroner's office would not release her to me because they found out she was still married to her estranged husband of two years. They located him. He died in November 2013, just five months before my daughter. She was a widow and did not know it. I am happy she never knew because she truly loved him and I don't know how she could have reacted to his death. It has been tough trying to understand why this happened even though I can guess. She was attacked when she was pregnant and the baby died. That was ten years ago. From that point on she was on heavy medications. It doesn't get any easier as the weeks roll by. I guess I feel there is unfinished business waiting for the coroner's report and her headstone to be set. I miss her random texts and most of all hearing on my voicemail "Mommy it's me."  

Comment by kim on May 27, 2014 at 5:09pm

grace, your son is so beautiful. and always will be, thank you for careing, my very very best to you ,  I know your pain, remember hes always with you

Comment by kim on May 27, 2014 at 5:06pm

thank you so much vasanthi, my heart is so broken, I to am thinking of ending it all. I want so bad to be with my son ( shawn)my only child. without him I feel nothing. my husband is so worried about me, but I just can feel any more. to go on without him is unbearable, being on here I see others who are in deep pain to, who understand what im going through. I pray every night god takes me to my baby. I think together we  MIGHT get through this a little, thank you everyone for being here for me and I hope I can give back to you to. my eyes are so swollen everyday, and everyday is so hard to go on, but im trying, dear god its so hard.  I sleep with his clothes, I wear his coats , I wear his watch and rings, I smell him everyday in them. again thank you everyone for being a friend

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