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Comment by Michelle H on June 17, 2014 at 11:38am

Teresa, I understand the sadness of knowing Michael will never be a dad. Chris wanted kids so badly, but with his wife's many medical issues, they weren't able to. I sometimes wonder if that, among a lot of other disappointments, wasn't partly responsible for his death.

Comment by kim on June 16, 2014 at 4:48pm

thank you Teresa, you are the first to tell me to cry. I cant remember smileing for a very long time. I don't think I ever will again.i miss shawn so bad its like a terrible dream I just wake up from. I hear the phone ring I think its him, I hear the door I think its him. yes I do think its a sign you are stopping in Miami, I know he will be there with you. our babies  never really leave us. I just want to feel him to dream of him just to know hes still with me. I want so bad to be with him,  my world is over for me,   im so empty,  I hope   you have a safe trip and  feel closer to your son.  take care  love kim

Comment by Teresa D. on June 16, 2014 at 4:39pm

Kim I wish I could ease your pain but you have to grieve.  All I can tell you is while the pain is still very deep in my heart it is getting a little bit easier to manage.  I still cry everyday but I don't spend as many hours doing it.  I can "sometimes" share memories with a smile rather than always with a tear.

Cry Kim........I think it helps the heart.

Michael hadn't taken a vacation with me since he was a teenager, but 3 months before he passed he went to London with me.  All the way home he kept asking me to go to Miami with him next.  In two weeks I am taking a much needed trip and it turns out I have to transfer to another plane and guess where the cross over is?  MIAMI!  Is that not a sign?  I'm going to go outside of the airport, most likely cry and then say, "We're in Miami Mike."

Comment by kim on June 16, 2014 at 1:08pm

dear lynn, im so very sorry , I just lost my beautiful son, my heart is so dead  the pain unbearable, I know what you are going through. I go see him everyday, and I do nothing but cry all day and night just to let you know im here if you want to talk , take care   kim

Comment by Lynn Williams on June 16, 2014 at 11:38am

I am also having a rough time today.  The last and the hardest first times are coming up. Kyra's birthday is July 8th she would have been 27 this year. The first anniversary of her passing is August 17 th. This has been the longest and hardest year I have ever had. I miss her so much.  Peace and kindness to everyone on this site.  

Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 16, 2014 at 7:01am

From Merry,  "That's pretty much the way that I am living, one more day suffered, one less that I have to live. I still feel like I'm marking time like someone in prison would mark time until release."

 

That is almost word for word what my husband and I said yesterday...I struggle every day against this new reality...certain days which brought so much joy now just accentuate the pain and missing...

 

I Love You Jesse...

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 15, 2014 at 7:36pm

Went to the Unitarian church this morning with a lady I met in one of the neighbor's homes.. it was a beautiful and loving peaceful program. At the end there was candle lighting and I lit one for Shreyas , my darling who is with me in every beat of my heart.. yes I yearn to just chat and laugh and crack silly jokes and watch him make faces about how silly I am. If I think of what is not there anymore ,like him having his own sweetheart and later kids it really does break my heart so I think instead that our destinies are different. We are called on to experience the Presence through the door of a broken heart and since the Lord gives and takes away I will trust that spiritual growth for us will be a quick spiraling to our real home. Till then I will do whatever I can to ease others suffering and serve , help all who come my way. Micks would love that. In the church they were looking for a secretary for admin work so I have said I am interested. Maybe this way I will be able to work and help. The process of paperwork is getting done and in a few months am planning to go to India with my husband and be there for about 5 weeks.

There certainly is more than what our senses tell us. Dolly what a lovely experience you had!
Teresa, Connie, LR,  Kim, Mary , Michelle, Bern,and also all those who have had the huge monumental loss , it feels so sad every time I see a new 'member' but we are there for you to speak your heart out. That gives so much relief and the understanding that I was shown helped me so so much to somehow just live. Its so hard to believe that its 2 and a half years that I have not seen my son yet if I really dig deep into my feelings I must say that at the same time I have also never felt more connected to him..strange..

Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 15, 2014 at 6:56pm

Thanks Dolly for sharing your experience...I believe there is more to this world than our five senses can tell us....

Comment by Connie K on June 15, 2014 at 6:19pm

Teresa d - that is exactly how my husband and I feel. We grieve the loss of our son's life experiences but the most of all - that he never got to be a dad too. Today is super hard. I have been silent lately because I just don't have the words, feeling very sad an beaten down. But I hold you all in my heart.  As I am reading all all your posts, tears flowing, I am praying for strength for us all to get through another day, another "holiday" with our hearts open to the love we share with our children forever.

Comment by Teresa D. on June 15, 2014 at 5:32pm

My father passed away in August 2008 from Cancer.  I think of him every day and miss him a lot.  HAPPY FATHERS DAY DAD!

I hope all the dads find peace.

In my last call with Michael on of the things he spoke about was being financially ready to take on a family.  He told me he wanted 3-4 kids.  As he told me this I imagined him with 2 little boys sitting next to him while throwing a third into the air and of course they all looked like him.  Michael will never get to experience being a dad and I will never get to see that image for real.  MOMMY LOVES YOU MIKE!!!!!

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