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Comment by Michelle H on August 28, 2014 at 2:09pm

Vasanthi, thank you for asking. I'm doing OK, but dealing with more anxiety lately than I usually have. So glad to hear you are going for a visit to India. Glad, too, Craig will join you in time for Shreyas' birthday. I imagine that will be a bittersweet trip.

Connie, so sad about your cousin! I wish you didn't have to deal with that, too.

Comment by Connie K on August 28, 2014 at 12:22pm

Vasanthi so nice to hear from you. I hope you have a safe trip next month. Two days ago my first cousin, exactly my age, took his own life. I am walking around in a daze. My only peaceful place is meditation. I am so sad he felt he had nowhere and no one to turn to. And yet a little angry he took his life when Daniel's was taken from him. All these emotions are just too much sometimes. Time is so strange. How it just feels like it was yesterday that my sweet Daniel left us and yet it's been almost 20 months. How is that possible? I wonder somedays how I have survived it but yet we do. WE find that energy to go on living for our children, keeping their memories alive and their love close in our hearts.

I talk to him all the time and try embrace his spirit so that it gives me the strength to live the way I wanted him to. I had a dream last night and in it I heard him call out "mom!" but he wasn't in the dream. It felt like I really heard him and awoke! I have been asking so much to hear him again. I believe he hears me and if I leave my heart open , he will answer me. Kim I know how devastating it is not to have our children's physical presence, but I know your Shawn is with you in spirit. Sending everyone love and prayers today.

Comment by kim on August 28, 2014 at 9:55am

everyday the pain is still here, without my son why do I bother doing anything. I just want to be with him, to hold him,  I ask everyday why, why he left me, still no answer, I want to know if hes happy, if hes smiling again. I know I never will till im with him. almost 10 months, it feels like yesterday, I wish I could forget that last day. its so hard to remember the good times any more,  I know ill be with him from a broken heart, I miss you and love you with everything I have shawn,  I beg you to come home to me. its to hard to go on without you.   my baby my son the love of my life my shawn 

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 26, 2014 at 6:10am

Michelle H, Dolly , Dick , Gale how are you all doing?

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 26, 2014 at 6:09am

Sigrid and Chelle...the beauty about being here on this site is the enormous understanding which is extended. So many of us feel closer than family does. Sigrid how alone it must feel to lose both your son and husband together. When my son passed I was alone too as I was a single mom and though the ex had come to Dubai then, he remained as critical and negative a man as ever.How much you must have had to go through . Chelle its all so important now to somehow get back that luster and this will be done knowing that nothing will be the same again. I don't know how but just know that taking it one day at a time and keeping that firm belief that we are much more than our bodies and we need to 'get home' . Maybe through this doorway the steps back home will be just what is needed to hasten us?

What a lovely wonderful boy Zach is and what a lovely tribute on your page Sigrid.

Chelle wishing you and all here all the peace we can be capable of.

xoxoxox

Comment by Sigrid on August 25, 2014 at 7:05pm

Vasanthi, I can so identify with what you have said. :-(. Time is elastic - either passing by too slowly, or passing by so quickly that we lose the passage of time. When it slows again, we realize how much time has passed and wonder how the pain can still be so terrible... It is very surreal. I smell my son's clothes as well. His bedding remains unwashed. I feel too that yes, death will be a blessing, but that living life will be a tribute to my son. Much easier said than done, tho. May you find some peace on your travels this next month. Warm wishes to you.

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 25, 2014 at 6:42pm

Been reading and re-reading and it is all valid. How we feel, how we cope, whatever and however we choose to do is OK.  Connie, Lynn, kim, Teresa,Chelle, Dolly and all the others here and its so sad that there are so many of us but my heart is with you all. It will be 3 years this December and I just cant understand how time seems to go by so fast and yet stand still in so many ways. In 2011 I had to go to Dubai and get my son back to India where I was then and i stood in the spot , it was Christmas as the accident happened on 23rd Dec and I could get there by 25th and standing there on a harmless looking road under a beautiful blue sky I just could not fathom how it could be true. I was so dazed and in the evening his friends had taken me to some restaurant ( it happened to be the same one where Shreyas had had his last lunch) > That i knew the next day when I went to his office and asked them where did he go for lunch and they named the very same restaurant. I remember that nothing was sinking in and I was so stunned and shocked and asked them why are there so many lights in the restaurant? and they said ," its Christmas"... and I had all these disjointed thoughts about oh yes he was to go and meet his cousin on Christmas day etc.

Now next month I will be going to India again on the 7h and my husband will follow on the 28th( Shreyas's b'day)... One part of me longs to be back in the home where I was with my son and my parents are next door, one part is shrinking at the thought of seeing all the familiar things there, and i know I will keep sitting on his bed, opening his closet and smelling all his shirts.My sweetheart baby , my strong handsome young son, my kind boy and with that gentle smile and beautiful eyes, I dont know how to just go on with the knowledge that I will never see him in the flesh again. So somewhere I just feel that well every passing day gets me nearer to the death of my body and I thank God for it. Other times, I feel I am alive which means there is work to be done here and now,it has to be done well and that is what I must now do justice to, and that would be my tribute to my son who is dearer to me than life itself

Comment by Connie K on August 25, 2014 at 4:21pm

ditto Lynn. Just returned from the accident site where I have kept flowers for 19 months. Every time I relive it. I wasn't there so I try to imagine how it really went. I never got the true story from his friends. I get it, They were scared. But they didn't know there were eye witnesses. Damn it. I want that boy driving to stand up and tell the truth already even though it doesn't change anything. Hr never had to testify because he plea bargained. He's a coward. I just would like to know exactly what happened. People tell me to let it go. To not go there. I can't. I need to be the last place he was. It's a weird thing because it's such a beautiful place and the place of great pain. Hugs to everyone.

Comment by Lynn Williams on August 25, 2014 at 2:35pm

I still have such a hard time fully comprehending that Kyra will not be coming to visit us again. I have been through a year of life without hearing her voice, or seeing her on holidays but I still don't want to believe it. Maybe our minds never fully except their absence. Sending hugs to you Kim, we all understand, and would love to hear our children's voices again

 

Comment by kim on August 25, 2014 at 1:19pm

why do people keep asking me about shawn, it hurts so bad, just say sorry and let it go. then they say how. I just cry and say I cant talk about it right now. please let go. I want to die so bad, just take me to. I want to see his face his eyes and hear his voice again, to hear  MOM  please let me here mom again. I want my son back. I need him so much. tears tears and more tears, that's my life now.

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