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Comment by Jesse's Mom on August 30, 2014 at 9:50pm

I been reading along, and I can totally understand what you are saying Kim..

I cannot believe it is almost two years...time has lost its meaning for it still seems like it was last week, yet time has moved forward. The horror of the accident still flashes across my mind...

The only good thing I think at night as I close my eyes is that I am one day closer to my son. I think of how giving he was, gentle and kind to others...yet he was not allowed to live. Then you look around and see just such evil men in the world that are allowed to continue on for 60+ years wrecking havoc on others and you wonder why...

I have no doubt I will die of a heart-related condition...

Comment by kim on August 30, 2014 at 4:24pm

wow today my sisters daughter came by with  a beautiful angel  for shawns  memory garden, omg I cryed. its so beautiful. I know shawn would love it.shes holding a small sign saying in loving memory.  my heart is so broken,  its been such a long day, taking the pool down and having a lot of company, now this angel for my son.

Comment by kim on August 30, 2014 at 11:16am

been crying most of the day, god I miss my son so bad. today we are taking down the pool,  its just not the same with out shawn here. I just don't care any more. with out him I cant go in swimming. I look at it and cry, remembering when we went swimming together. shawn would hold me under,  I would give anything to be with him.  please god take me to,  please. I cant live with out my son.

Comment by Connie K on August 29, 2014 at 10:29am

Vasanthi - it will be hard but also familiar and sweet to be among Shreya's things. Since Daniel still was living here, I am in his room often and it is difficult to let go and change anything but slowly I am able to. But I always find that I feel closest to him there. The room he had since he was born, and grew up in, I want it always to be a place that he would like NOW because I feel he is there so much. I hope you can find some peace and closure on your trip. And give yourself that time to be alone and grieve if you need to. I'm sure your husband will understand.

Tayor's mom, I feel the same way about other deaths as well. We have gone through the worst fear. the worst pain, we get it.  I don't think it's anything to feel guilty about Vasanthi because we are just experiencing the truth that our children have been robbed of their life while others may pass in a more natural order. Of course when I hear of another child passing, I feel that immensely and always reach out to the family, whether I know them or not because we share something most cannot understand. We do have compassion and empathy for others who lose someone but I think what's different is that we no longer fear death ourselves so it doesn't affect us like it use to. Love to everyone.

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 29, 2014 at 7:53am

Lynn Williams thank you, I know I am going to India with a feeling that my son will somehow be there and what you say is right , that it will be healing but I also know I have to look at what happened straight on and know that he won't be coming back. Its that part that I cannot get myself to do. xoxoxo

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 29, 2014 at 7:51am

Taylor's mom,

So nice of you to share. there is nothing like 'butting in' and I felt a little relieved too as I also used to be very sympathetic and now I realize that I don't know the first thing about sympathy because that should be there for others regardless of one's personal situations. This kind of a block is there when I hear about other deaths and I dont know why. My cousin's brother in law passed away recently and I knew and liked him so much. He was always a helpful man and kind. He was 58. When my cousin messaged I called up and did tell him how sorry I am but my thoughts were like 'oh ok he was 58, he had a full life, Micky's was stolen from him and I was telling him mentally, don't worry Micky is there'. Now I am ignoring those kind of thoughts because I feel so ashamed thinking like this.

Comment by kim on August 29, 2014 at 6:29am

connie, im so sorry  you have to go through another one, please know im here for you.  take care  hugs  kim

Comment by Taylor's mom on August 28, 2014 at 11:19pm

Hi Vasanthi, I just wanted to tell you that I feel the same way as you about death since I lost my child. Other deaths don't compare in the slightest. That is something that almost bothers me because I used to be a very empathetic/sympathetic person and I certainly don't feel that way anymore. In fact, just the other day my dad was telling me about this horrible situation where this friend of his is dying. I said all the right "awww's and that's awfuls" but honestly, inside I was thinking, big deal, she got to live much longer than my girl, and oh well it's just a part of life. I certainly don't want to think like that but what you said is so true. Sorry for butting in on the conversation.. Was just nice to know I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Comment by Lynn Williams on August 28, 2014 at 8:36pm

Connie I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. Life doesn't make sense to me anymore. Vasanthi just being home on Shreyas's birthday surrounded by his possessions and his love will be healing. Realizing we will never hold our children in our arms again or the excitement of listening to their stories is so hard to bear. I hope our children are safe and happy in the afterlife and will be there to great us when our time comes. I believe God holds and loves them until we see them again.

Comment by Vasanthi S on August 28, 2014 at 8:00pm

So nice to hear from you all.

Kim the pain is torturous isn't it? Like Connie, I do believe that opening one's heart will get answers. When we are in some much pain I know its difficult to think of anything else. But slowly you may feel a warm knowing that all is well. It is we who are living who have all this grief . Those who leave the body are certainly looked after well by God. I think get God into the equation, put your full trust that all is well with our children. Through time ever since we know of it people are born and they die. Surely it is a natural thing, so treat birth and death as events in the journey of the soul. That way we get some perspective and some objectivity.

Connie how difficult it is to hear of another death and of those we are close to.

Somehow now no death ever has any effect on me. My uncle whom I was close to as a child died a while ago and all I could think of was that well I am not in pain. After my son I think no ones death will affect me with that same monumental devastation.

Michelle, breathing exercises help in anxiety. Deep slow conscious breaths which reach the navel with inhalation and expand the tummy and with exhalation an indrawing of the tummy and a release of the breath. Do try it through the day. Breath and mind are intimately connected so a conscious slow breathing calms the mind. At first it seems like bs but it really works.

I actually would have liked to be totally alone on my son's birthday and Craig was to have come on Oct 1st but when he booked his tickets he was planning on flights where you don't have to wait for hours at an airport in bn . I thought OK well this just means that i won't have time to brood on his bday..maybe its a good thing knows?

It is bittersweet but somehow I am yearning to go as if Shreyas is there and waiting at home for me...Just seeing everything thats familiar makes me feel like he is in his room or will come walking out into the kitchen...damn damn damn none of that will ever be:(

I love you all..xoxoxox

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