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Comment by Connie K on September 20, 2014 at 12:40pm

Yes celebrate her birthday. On my son's birthday  we had a drum circle outside with his closest friends and family. We left a chair and drum for him.  I know he was there with us. It was something he loved and something everyone else could participate in and express their love and pain through the rhythms they beat. I think I may make it a tradition because I felt like  it truly was a celebration of his being. Especially for his friends who are still just kids and really don't know how to deal with it either. My son once wrote a quote after a very close friend passed away, that we live by. He said "Those who have passed do not wish to be mourned, they wish to be celebrated." Words from the mouth of a 12 year old. The pain never stops and neither will my love for my Daniel. I will always celebrate him deep in my heart for the greatest love I will ever know. I miss you so much my sweet baby.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 20, 2014 at 12:10pm

I say celebrate your child's birthday anyway you want to regardless who thinks what about it. 

 

Comment by Linda on September 20, 2014 at 9:37am

Oh Eva,

you so seem to understand me. I am so sorry for your loss as I completely comprehend your deep pain. My Desiree's birthday will be Oct 1st. I without question will celebrate the birth of my only child, as to how this will be received by others is unknown. I still am not sure as to how to actually do the celebration and whom to incorporate into the day but I know that even if I alone do so then so be it.

My every waking moment and every last thought is of my daughter. I too am not sure how, if this is my "new normal", will endure the remaining days of my life.

It seems as time goes on others have put her passing behind them. I still speak of Desiree' in the present tense. Most particularly with those who are not aware of my loss. Damn them all, I will continue to speak of her in the present tense.

Thank you for your words, Eva.

Comment by Eva Van on September 19, 2014 at 11:17pm

Linda,

It's been 6 months since the loss of my daughter as well. I am still at the point that one day at a time is not comforting to me. All I feel is the pain... The Agonizing loss. My daughters birthday however was in June. There was no debate on whether or not I was going to celebrate. All around me do not grieve as I. They have moved on and no longer seek to comfort me. I do not hold this against them. It is just lonely and excruciating to mourn so without the ability to share and vent. I still have yet to determine how to move forward other than to still be adrift on this planet which seems to turn whether I desire it to continue to do so or not... I fear living with this pain, because I know I could not endure these feelings for the rest of my days here. I do not want to.... It is a struggle to be...just be, much less be the functioning me. Celebrate her birth. Remembering one of the most joyous days of my life...the day I first held her in my arms was the only day, so far, I could bear the agony. Because the feelings I experienced at her birth were the only moments to eclipse the pain of her loss.

Comment by Linda on September 18, 2014 at 10:07pm

it's been 6 months now since losing my only child Desiree'. My every moment is consumed with thoughts of her. I feel somewhat isolated because my husband (my second) is not her natural father and as much as he may try to understand my deep pain I don't feel he truly can. I cry so much and cannot sleep. I have moments to myself while he may be in the other room; I cry and thoughts about my baby. Her birthday is coming. I don't know exactly what I should do on that  day. She's only been gone now for 6 months. I wonder if people, even direct family will understand my need to celebrate that day.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 18, 2014 at 2:18pm

Linda, your feelings at the six months are very normal...I felt I was going to grieve in the way that was natural for me...no expectations...

This is my second child death. During the first one, I was too pressured to conform to expectations...it will get softer as you go...be gentle with yourself as you are so very new to the grief journey...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 18, 2014 at 2:14pm

Thank you Ammy for your words of advice...I too have thought of the philosophy One day at a time...sometimes it is half a day at a time...sorry you are having a rough time...

 

Vasanthi, thank you also for the kind reply...I hope you are finding some measure of comfort from your home in India...

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 18, 2014 at 11:56am

Dolly,

read what you wrote and feel distressed at so many things . I'm glad you have your husband and Bo and the son who visits during thanksgiving. Wish we could have worked out a meeting when you were visiting in Boston but I will try and plan something. Don't keep saying that you dont want to outlive anyone etc , we do not have any choice as we know. I'm keeping you close to me in my heart and prayers and am wishing for happiness and peace in any form they may come. Please do not feel I am advising or anything as I am most ill qualified for that given my own struggles and pain, just that I love u and want you to be in a happier place inside.

Comment by Linda on September 18, 2014 at 11:52am

thank you for your words of comfort Ammy. I will try harder to stay in the day, you are so right.  when my thoughts drift to the day's as it was before losing my Desiree' (which is everyday but sometimes not every moment) I reel out of control. cry uncontrollably. scream her name as if she'd answer me. it's been 6 months. I cannot fathom this being the rest of my life. I realize I need to be in control of how I handle this but some day's it's all but impossible.

Comment by Michelle H on September 18, 2014 at 11:21am

Thanks, Ammy. I knew things had been unresolved and wondered if you had ever gotten any final answers. I know it doesn't change things, but I think sometimes it helps to understand what happened. I guess I'll always wonder, too, about the sequence of events that led to my son's death, but realize I'll never know. I guess we need to focus on the fact that they're at peace, happy, and no longer have to face the trials of this world. God rest their precious souls!

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