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Comment by kim on October 14, 2014 at 12:07pm

today was another day that sucks, I had to cut down shawns butterfly bush in his memory garden, I hope it comes back next year, it was so big and beautiful this year. the smell was so wonderful. and yes I cryed . I miss my son so very much, soon it will be a year and I feel I just wont make it. the pain just wont stop, the tears wont either.

Comment by Connie K on October 13, 2014 at 4:38pm

Rachel that must be very tough to deal with. My mother-in-law who I was very close to had alzheimers and I know how difficult that is. But then to have to answer where your daughter is is really hard. I'm so sorry

Comment by kim on October 13, 2014 at 3:23pm

Rachel, im so sorry to hear about your mom, I hope she gets better soon and fast. I have missed talking to you, I know you are trying to be strong but dieing on the inside. today is thanks giving in Canada and my first without shawn, omg  im hurting so bad and crying all day. no one has called, I thought my sisters would but not.  please try to take some time for you, because you do need it.  love and hugs  kim

Comment by Rachel on October 13, 2014 at 1:30pm

Hello Everyone, I have been away.  I can't begin to tell you how hard this past month has been.  My mother suffered a stroke and lost be mobility of her left side. 

She is now in a nursing/rehab home and is doing much better.  Unfortunately, we are all having to travel back and forth to stay with her.  My sisters and my brother are all taking turns staying with her.  But my Dad seems to have distance himself from us all. 

 

Its so hard to see my mom is this situation.  And with her

Alzheimer’s it really makes it hard on me to stay with her.  Due to she is constantly asking for Amber.  I feel I have had to put my greif on hold so I can help and be there for my mom. 

 

I am just at a point of where I want to just crawl up in a hole and never come out.  I'm extremely tired.  I refuse to let anyone see me cry.  I try to find a private place to let go.  Every morning I force myself out of bed, get dressed, put on a smiling face.  But on the inside I'm just dying.  I feel like a sad clown with a happy face painted on.  

Anyhow, I just wanted to touch base with everyone here.  Let you know each of y'all are in my prayers.  I send all of y'all tight hugs.  God know's how much I need that NOW. 

Anyhow, all my love,

Rachel

 

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 12, 2014 at 9:41pm

I love you both Connie and Teresa I gain such support with your comments. Your hopefulness is contagious. Love to everyone here

Comment by Connie K on October 12, 2014 at 11:27am

Yes I think doing really simple things for the holidays like lighting candles or putting up a string of lights and some poinsettias for the holidays is best for me right now. I feel like Daniel can see the lights and feel the warmth of the sweet memories I have when we were together. I put them up for him because like someone said, he would want it that way.

Comment by Teresa D. on October 12, 2014 at 8:25am

I want to live, I want to be happy again someday, I want to remember Michael with a smile not always with tears.  I don't know what the hell I'm doing no more than the next one but I'm fighting to live.  The tournament while some see me as strong I just don't know what else to do to celebrate Michael's life. 

Holidays are coming and I don't want to be SAD for the rest of my life.  I don't want to spend every holiday crying.  If I cry everyday for the rest of my life I'm ok with that but I want to be able to put the tears away and smile.  Right now I still can't do that.  I am getting better at controlling it.  I now wait to be alone to break down. To me that is progress.

I plan on doing the same as Connie this Christmas by putting a tree and an ornament for Michael. I might not get any further than that but it's further than the past two years.  Michael loved the holidays and so I need to celebrate them for him.

This is what I need to do for me.

Comment by Connie K on October 11, 2014 at 5:32pm

Hugs Lynn

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 11, 2014 at 5:16pm

I agree with you Connie, I make it through to the end of each day by hanging on to the fact of seeing my sons, Jesse and Taylor again.

Kim, I won't be celebrating any holiday either. I would not do anything at all even for Christmas if it were not for my grandchildren.  

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 11, 2014 at 5:01pm

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