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Comment by Connie K on November 19, 2014 at 4:21pm

Thanks Ammy I do try to stay in the day and be grateful for what I still have and  the time I had on this earth with my son. But yes it will be 2 years on Dec.1 and it just sucks. We have decided to go away for that day this year to the Anzo Borrego dessert and experience the amazing stargazing there. It is getting harder and harder to be here. Just overwhelmed right now. I am grateful for all of you and am sending love and prayers your way.

Comment by Ammy on November 19, 2014 at 3:57pm

Please, please stay in today.  Do not think ahead.  Every day is only another day for us.  We have no control over the tomorrows.  We do not need to go there.  We need to get through today and today only.

The world goes on, family and friends go on and we have to realize that it is going to be different for us.  We can't blame them and we should be thankful they are not where we are.  There are enough of us that we know of and all that went before us and it's overwhelming.  So, so many and, sadly, so, so many more will join us.

Connie, you are not a failure.  You are a grieving mom and you can only move at whatever pace your being allows you to move at.  Don't be hard on yourself.  You don't deserve it.  I may be wrong but you have an anniversary coming up and that is another 'trigger point' when we think about it approaching.  The anticipation can be overwhelming, just as the anticipation of a birthday or holiday or having to attend a social event.  It's hard to avoid the emotions connected to these days, but if you can learn to bring yourself back to just dealing with today it helps.  

Looking back I think the second year into the third was very difficult. 

I know how hard it is to fight off all the negative thoughts and feelings, but at this stage I am able to remind myself that being in that place is the last thing my son would want me doing.  I hear him telling me to stop.  I try to honor him by avoiding it as much as possible.  I do fail, but it's okay.  I pick myself up and try again.

I am in my 4th year and with each year I have been able to cope a little better.  We need to be patient and understanding with ourselves.  We are never going to stop missing or loving our child/children and that's okay.  It shouldn't be any other way.

I pray for gentler days for us all.  Love to all.

Comment by kim on November 19, 2014 at 2:44pm

yes connie, the holidays kill me to. I see my family and friends happy and shopping. me I just cry and want to die.  it hurts so much, why cant they see the unbearable pain im in. they talk about what they bought and for who. I got rid of every holiday thing. I just want my son back, my baby.  how can the world go on when we are hurting do dam bad, hugs and love to you            kim

Comment by Connie K on November 19, 2014 at 2:39pm

As someone else mentioned recently, I am getting very scared that I will not return yo a fully functioning person. See For the last 17 years I have been a stay at home mom and then Daniel's caretaker when he got sick. Altho I have kept up my graphic design skills, I have no passion or motivation to even do that anymore. It's hard to go back into the work force after so long and carrying this kind of grief. I am a singer but I also I have anxiety now when i go to sing. Will I ever feel able to do anything? I feel like such a failure right now. I hate to say it and be so negative but these holidays are killing me.

Comment by kim on November 19, 2014 at 1:14pm

today I went to see my son  SHAWN, we have so much snow I had to dig  it off his stone, it hurts to know the snow will cover it to the point I cant see it till spring. everyday I kiss it,  and cry so hard.  the snow was over my knees. but I don't care I have never missed a day. how do I get through another x mas without you. how can my broken heart still beat. shawn is the love of my life forever. I just want so bad to go to him, theres nothing here anymore, nothing without my son.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 13, 2014 at 6:14am

Dolly, how beautiful! Brandon gives back the love you gave him.

Vasanthi, well said.

Comment by Linda on November 12, 2014 at 9:27pm

Oh my gosh Dolly, what a most beautiful beautiful dream! Each night as I lay down to sleep I try and think of my Desiree' and pray that I have the chance to see her in my dreams. But, sadly, nothing as yet.  Hold on to that dream. It means something very real. I know that God speaks to us through dreams and I believe he allows us to see our loved ones once again through those same dreams.

Much love, hugs and prayers to all.

Comment by Dolly on November 12, 2014 at 9:20pm

last night.. or this morning I guess... I had a really strange dream that didn't start out so good... it was as if both my sons suddenly went into comas or passed on and I was devastated ... all I wanted to do was take them home from the hospital where they were saying it was too expensive to take care of them there.. then we were 'home' at some place unfamiliar in my "real" world... I was still sad but I had them with me at least.... and then something wonderful happened and they started to talk to me... those of you who don't know about my sons .. both suffered severe injuries as infants and could use only the very basic of words and most people can't understand these simple sounds as words but they are.. but in my dream they were speaking just like everyone else and were MOVING around [both needed wheelchairs and couldn't move their own bodies much at all in this reality we call life].. Brandon said "I love you dad" to my husband in the dream and I think he said he loved me too ...and as the dream went on and they could do all that they couldn't do 'here', I suddenly realized they were now totally freed from all the imprisoned aspects of their 'real' life... I didn't want to wake up...

Comment by Lynn Williams on November 12, 2014 at 4:32pm

Thank you Vasanthi your words are so uplifting.

Comment by Jane P on November 12, 2014 at 4:13pm

Vasanthi

What a wonderful picture you paint with your beautiful words.

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