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Comment by Connie K on November 20, 2014 at 3:49pm

Well I lost most of my message that came before the poem.

Sandy, my son died on Dec. 1 2012 and we had also bought his gifts. We found friends that would use the gifts (music production gear) as Daniel would have wanted it. But I still buy him little presents like bells and candles and take them to his room and talk to him. We all share your pain and understand what you are going through, i hope you can find some support and comfort here. Sending you prayers

This poem came from The Compassionate Friends website, posted by a grieving dad.

Comment by Connie K on November 20, 2014 at 3:46pm

here it is

5 Candles As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love and one for our hope.

#1 - This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you. #2 - This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
#3 - This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave to us.
#4 - This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.
#5 - And this candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of the love and the memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness now and forever. We love you.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 20, 2014 at 3:33pm

 Hi everybody, like somebody else has said, sucks to be in this special group but I thank you all for your comments and advise.  This is all very new to me (3 weeks) and I think I am sill in shock.  People think I'm doing "so good", I'm just going through the motions as somebody said, just trying to get up and make it through the day, feeling so sick every minute of it, wishing it wasn't my truth, wishing I could go back and change things. That's so hard, what if I did something, what if I put him back in rehab..why didn't I do something when I thought he was doing drugs again. I didn't see him everyday as he was with his dad and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for not doing something.  My baby, if I think of him not being here, my stomach hurts, my heart aches, I start shaking and the pain is unbearable.  Yesterday was sort of ok, today is unbearable.  Saw a restaurant we used to go to for birthdays with his friends.  Started thinking about Christmas and how will we live without him, already had bought him presents.  You are right, nobody understands the pain, they say take it one day, one minute at a time and that's really all we can do.   I saw a grief counselor and I plan to join a grief counseling group. I want to do something to try and feel better if it's at all possible. It hurts me so much to see his sister and imagine her pain inside and she is trying to be so strong.  I feel like we are just managing day by day trying to cope...I wonder if we will ever feel "normal" again. How can you when your baby is gone and you have this horrible empty ache inside you that will never go away.

Comment by Connie K on November 20, 2014 at 11:52am

Peace and prayers to everyone. Good to hear from you Gale.

Comment by Connie K on November 20, 2014 at 11:51am

Good morning everyone. Teresa I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering about the tournament. It is a wonderful thing that you are doing. I was thinking that I should be doing something worthwhile like that on an ongoing basis but the things I do in Daniel's memory seem to be finite but I do keep doing things. I have finally gotten his tee shirts wshed and prepared to send out to have a blanket made. This was so hard. I am the one going through his things, trying to keep the energy is his room positive and someplace we want to still be in. My husband can not help me. It is too hard for him. He says he feels like he's betraying him. I know he would have wanted his room to "grow up" as he would have.

Dolly hang in there. I know how you feel. Some times it all feels pointless without our precious children here. I think getting rid of "stuff" is a good idea and I am trying to do that as well. It h you are more concerned with spiritual side. Brandon has been giving you more and more signs that he is with you it seems - or maybe you are just able to receive them better now. So hold on to that when you are at your lowest. I know it doesn't help us wanting them with us right now but I believe we will be together again. We have to.

Comment by Dolly on November 20, 2014 at 8:09am

Connie...I feel the same way... I can't do this... but I have to do this...  I HATE this... whatever this is, its just not living anymore... its getting through the day, day by day, week by week... I'm afraid to feel even a glimmer of hope for fear it will turn into more of this hopelessness... nothing helps.... nothing will ever be the same... it jus t seems pointless... all I do now is try to get rid of the 'stuff' I've surrounded myself with through the years... my way of coping with the stress of caring for my guys I guess... but now I just want RID of all of it .. the STUFF not the caring for my guys ... now my one guy... mostly its dolls and doll clothes which I started obsessively buying after losing my first and then third grand daughter... both died before being born.... then I buried myself in dolls and all things dolly... for years.... whenever I wasn't doing something for my sons I was in my 'dolly room' ... now I just want it all gone... I want everything all gone... STUFF I mean... and I want Brandon ... I never knew what it was like to want something so much before... and know I can't have it ... not ever on this earth... I'm still breathing and stumbling through the days and tossing through the nights.. but I don't feel real anymore... I feel invisible and want to be invisible... I scare myself in mirrors... I hide from everyone but my husband and son that still lives with me... I don't answer the phone... its just the truth... I know someone will tell me to buck up or something but I just don't care anymore what anyone says about me or what I'm doing or not doing... it truly just does not matter.... they don't know or if they do know they are still not me... sorry if this pisses anyone off... I don't mean to add pain to anyone.. but I'm not going to lie either... this is how I feel...

Comment by Gale Brunault on November 20, 2014 at 7:13am

Good morning Theresa,

I'm thinking of you during this holiday season and wishing you some sense of peace.  I don't look forward to them at all - it's just so so sad that our loved ones aren't with us and that's not the way it should be.  Gale

Comment by Teresa D. on November 20, 2014 at 6:27am

Comment by Teresa D. on November 20, 2014 at 6:18am

I am so overwhelmed and exhausted.  Planning a benefit to support the hockey tournament,  working on things has intensified my emotions.  The one good thing is I haven't had the time to focus on the holidays.

My niece is on drugs and I suggested to my sister that she 302 her daughter.  It was very hard for her to do but she did it.  Afterwards she cried and she told me "I'm sorry, I don't want to be you.  I can't handle the sadness I see in your face." I told her that's okay I don't her to be me either. As strong as everyone thinks I am I wouldn't be able to handle it if we lost her.  Before my niece left I told her "I love you and I need you to fight to live."

Ammy I remind myself and taken the advice to stay in the day.  It doesn't allows work but I try to focus on getting past the hard moments without dreading what is to come.  I'm going to my sister's for Thanksgiving and I know it is going to be a emotional day but I can't think about it right now.  Because I have to keep focused on the benefit. 

Last week I had to meet with a parent.  I always used my Michael as an example of how a kid can overcome challenges and still be successful and so there I was using Michael when she asked me "Where is he now?"  My face quickly changed and I realized I was talking about him as if he was alive.  It was an emotional moment for me that I couldn't hide. 

I agree we all have to move in this at the pace that is right for us. 

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 19, 2014 at 4:23pm

Thanks Ammy for your words.. Connie i so so so feel for you, every word is true and will write more tomorrow but am just exhausted from just feeling and thinking. I want to stop my mind... its hurting me and all around me!

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