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Comment by kim on December 24, 2014 at 7:59am

linda I to feel the same way, without my son shawn , tomorrow will just be another dam day.  ill be taking balloons to shawn tomorrow,  and letting them go, I hope with all my heart shawn sees them,  one is red his fav colour the other one says ( I love you always and forever ) im hurting so bad I just want to  run and hide till this  is over,  the heart break is unreal.  love and hugs to you all,

Comment by Linda on December 23, 2014 at 7:03pm

I just wanna CURSE, SCREAM, YELL...THIS IS SO UNFAIR! I want it to stop. STOP! I try so very hard to not say " WHY GOD? WHY GOD ME?! And looking at all these posts, I find that so selfish. I know it's not fair for me to distinguish those who have lost their only child as I have, but, at the same time I see possibility with those who have other surviving children. I so sorry to have to say that, but it's so important that I am allowed to express this. In my heart; I am so sad for ALL of us on this horrid journey.

Comment by Michelle H on December 23, 2014 at 6:51pm

With the stress of everything, I completely wore down. Went to the ER today with the flu and bronchitis. Don't push yourselves to meet anyone else's (or your own!) expectations.

Comment by Ross Hotard on December 23, 2014 at 5:36pm

It will just be another day for me, and I'm sure every one that follows won't mean what it use to. I'll have to pretend to smile, be happy,and thankful. It will always be a dark cloud in December for us now.

Comment by Jane P on December 23, 2014 at 3:13pm

Vasanthi

Thinking of you today.

I wish I could say more, there are no magic words.

Your last posting was beautiful.

Thank You

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 23, 2014 at 11:55am

Oh Leslie, everything you say is so true, yes they are a blessing in our lives and I agree with the friends thing..they just act like we should be fine and need to move on..its ridiculous to think that we have lost a part of our absolute being and that we can just "move on". We do have to move forward and do the best we can, thanks for everything you said..it all helps us.  Merry Christmas and we can know our babies are in Gods arms.  Love and hugs to everybody.

Comment by Leslie C on December 23, 2014 at 11:49am

I have been trying to stay busy, fake it till you make it or something. I guess that is really not an expectation that we can have. Reading all the posts on this forum, I know that we all feel lost and sad and raw. I told someone the other day that I am a normally sensitive person who is now a gaping wound with legs. Anything and everything cuts me to the quick. Tears appear to be right beneath the surface at all times, because with lightning speed I can go from ANYTHING to sobbing pitifully.

The holidays are always bad for the bereaved. The joy of gatherings is not something I want to share. The thought of any gathering makes me shy away--I do not want to ruin everyone's event with my crying. I keep thinking that I look the way I feel on the inside, and that everyone is going to see it and be repelled. If I did not have to live with this, I would certainly choose not to.

I know my friends want to help...but they either do nothing(act like nothing ever happened), or overwhelm me with their feelings and emotions that I just cannot handle right now.

My kids and grandkids need to have me in their lives. I am going to find a way to live with this fissure that has become a part of my heart and my life. I have to move forward, just like all of you other parents that are in this boat. We gave our children life, and that came with a promise for the future. Now we still have the promise and the future, just without our babies. Sorrow is overwhelming and we must grapple with it, prove that we are stronger than this horrific loss.

I have always thought that all of the molecules in the universe touch. Everything, everyone, is connected. Death cannot change this connection, and I know Aaron is not dead as long as I breath and I have a mind with which to remember him. He was a wonderful man, and a blessing to my life. Merry Christmas, everybody! ((hugs)) 

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 23, 2014 at 10:48am

I thought I was kind of doing okay...haha but I guess not.  As Christmas approaches, my heart breaks even more, Ross you are right - its not fair, there's nothing about this awful place we are all in. So much pain inside of us and yes I feel the same way, I should have protected him. I can't stop crying, I feel so sick inside.  I'm trying to make Christmas nice for my daughter, but I feel so lost and empty.  Kim I can't sleep either, it's just awful and I wake up and I just torture myself wanting my Randy so bad. 

Lynn, I'm so glad your daughter moved back, that would help for sure. I think going out to dinner is a good idea. I'm cooking and really just dreading it and like you said, may we all get through the season as best we can.  It almost hurts more to think of him as a happy little kid, man I can't stand that my baby is gone.  Like somebody else said I just want to crawl in a hole and stay here.

Hugs and love to everybody, it's already such a hard day and it's only 8:30.  x0

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 23, 2014 at 8:28am

ust trying to get through this season. First Christmas at home without Kyra. Last Christmas with my step-son and family in New Mexico. My daughter Genna moved back to VT and having her around is a godsend.  She works on Christmas so it will be my husband and I, maybe we will go out to dinner. Peace to everyone on here, and my we all get through the season as best we can. Love to all Lynn

Comment by kim on December 22, 2014 at 4:28pm

going through this holiday is so very hard without my son, my tears are still flowing, cant sleep and wish with all my heart I was with him. I just want to hide till its over.  I need the love of my life my son shawn.  this deep dark place is getting darker 

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