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Comment by Marie on December 29, 2014 at 8:51am

When people tell me it is going to get better and easier it does NOT make me feel better. I am terrified of losing his memory. Ever being "okay" feels like such a betraya. Anyone else feel like this?

Comment by Connie K on December 26, 2014 at 5:34pm

Teresa D. - Thanks for sharing. I think you are right. Michael did not leave you. Just this "dimension".  I had a similar experience this week when during a talk at the ashrama. they were talking about the baby Jesus and how interesting that God choose to bring the message of love through a little baby. Everyone can feel the divinity in a new baby. Whether you are Christian or not, Jesus' message and example was simply to embrace love. She described all babies as still having a "trail of heaven" and how we can feel that when we hold them. It was then that I felt very deeply that yes of course, my Daniel came in with that incredible love, total innocence, beauty and divine essence, and to that he has returned. It made me feel that incredible love again through my pain and I did feel that peace also.  We will see them again and til then they are right here with us in our hearts. I think we all need to have moments of that in order to keep going.

It's just so hard to carry on without them I know. My breakdown came today after I have held it together through all the activities. Everyone says I'm doing so well and I just think of what someone said a while back ( I think it was you) - I feel like a fake. I want to scream - "no I'm not doing okay - can't you SEE the pain I'm in constantly?!" But there are those who do see and reach out and remember my boy with me and allow my pain to be. For them I am so grateful. But I just hit the wall today and am going to allow myself the release and crawl back into bed and cry it out.

And I am so grateful to each and every one of you here and feel strength from the fact that we do not walk this path alone and we can be there for those who will follow us. Thank you all. You are all in my prayers and I am sending a big cyber hug.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 26, 2014 at 9:28am

Yesterday I think I crossed a road.  The morning was extremely rough for me.  I couldn't help but run through Michael's last Christmas which was here with me. 

Several of his friends sent me messages which was the greatest gift I could have received.  One of his friends went on and on about what Michael meant to him and all the sudden this sense of peace came over me.

My Michael is in heaven and he won't be returning to this world but deep in my heart I know Michael did not leave me, he is right here giving me the comfort I need to make it through this.

It is the love of Michael that keeps me going.  Nothing can break that.

Dolly Brandon is still in that house and he is still listening to the music. 

Comment by Jesse's Mom on December 25, 2014 at 5:18pm

Connie, I am wishing you the best in finding out the truth about your son's accident. I know how important that can be as I am in the same situation...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on December 25, 2014 at 4:49pm

I went to my son's grave site yesterday and left him a small remembrance stone with these words

"If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane. I would walk right  up to Heaven and bring you back again."

I thought this is so unreal...I never thought I would have yet another child die and be visiting yet another grave site...two children dead...

Today, as I drove into to Walgreens -- I had to get out of the house --- just observed all the cars parked in the driveways, people getting out with their food and bringing gifts...and knowing that type of happiness in my life is no more...

I wish everyone on this site some small measure of peace today...I am sorry for all of us who visit this "place" and wish each one gentleness and dreams of our loved ones....

Comment by Dolly on December 25, 2014 at 2:31pm

well its Christmas Day and Bo seemed happy with his presents and that's our main reason for keeping the day now... although we all want to some day feel the joy we all used to feel during the holidays... don't know if that is even remotely possible but we DO have each other and our families [although they are all too far away to celebrate with except to skype or email] Yesterday was for some reason my day to break down... then we played some music together and even Bo played his drum pad, and it felt like Brandon was there too ... he was always our 'music man'.... and once after he died I remember saying 'Brandon was always all about the music' and I felt like I 'heard' him say "I still AM, mom"... I hope so.... love you sweetheart... now and forever and forever.... miss you so much...

Comment by Marie on December 25, 2014 at 9:37am

Oh Kim. That is so nice. I am sure he is with you. It sucks for us but they are in heaven with God totally surrounded by love!

Comment by kim on December 25, 2014 at 9:21am

just got back from seeing my beautiful son shawn, I let balloons go, 1 red his fav colour 1 saying loving you always and forever, then I sprinkled flowers, and butterflys and angels over him, I hope with all my heart he gets my balloons. I pray he has a wonderful Christmas with my mom, I know  without him ill never have a Christmas again.  my heart is breaking so much and my tears wont stop,

Comment by Marie on December 25, 2014 at 9:12am

Dolly I am sorry everything is going so badly. The last three years-- when Taylor started using--have felt totally out of control. I was doing really financially, then I lost my job.. Just one thing after another keeps happening. Yesterday I was down to seven dollars in the bank, but my sister gave me a little money for taking care if my dad. So I guess I hVe it a lot better than other people. I am substitute teaching and looking for full time work. Every week it's another job rejection. It is just hard to take what life throws at us when we are in so much pain already! Hang in there! Hugs!

Comment by Marie on December 25, 2014 at 8:56am

I made it through Christmas Eve which is the day we always celebrated. My oldest son hung out with me In the morning and I went to my nieces in the afternoon until dinner at my daughter's. I cried a lot but everyone just let me. I found doing "rituals" gave me some comfort. My son and I visted my mom's grave in the morning. During dinner we had a candle on the table for my lost son Taylor. Then we took roses to the grotto by our church and lit candles and said Hail Marys and Our Fathers for Taylor. We came home and opened presents and all shared some of our favorite memories of Taylor and toasted him several times. By this point I had stopped crying, but my ex, Taylor's dad cried the whole time. I was glad he was able to cry with us. It did help to make Taylor a big part of Christmas and to honor him. I am thinking of you all today and praying for us all. I pray God brings us people and memories of comfort and love.

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