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Comment by Rita on February 22, 2017 at 7:59pm

Before my life changed on July 5, 2016 I was going to my Dads 3 times a week. I cooked, did his laundry, played dominoes, took him to doctor appointments, picked up prescriptions, bought his groceries and filled his pill box and whatever else needed to be done. My brother (4 yrs older than me) lives with my Dad. He owes my Dad EVERYTHING but he doesn't want to do anything for him. My Dad is almost 94 years old and his mind and body are not what they used to be.. After my Jesse's accident I simply could not continue to go as regular as I had. I have been on antidepressants to help me cope with him and my Mother (she passed 3 yrs ago.)  I am still having a very hard time excepting that my only son has passed away. I hadn't been going to my Dads but every 2-3 weeks and crying all the way home cause my Dad didn't understand why I had quit coming. He couldn't remember my son, his grandson, and that was very upsetting to me. He thought I was mad at him. I would have to explain why I hadn't been there. He still really didn't understand. Recently I have started going a little more and can see that my Dads mind has deteriorated considerably. He sits in the house by himself all day. He can't remember how to turn the tv on and nobody stops to visit or check on him. My brother sometimes will but not like he should and only briefly. The house is FILTY and trash every where 'cause my brother won't bother to clean up or pick up! Today I told my brother we need to think about doing something different with Dad. (My Dad has the money) I told him Dad needs some activity, some interaction with people. I told him sitting in the house day in and day out would work on anyone's mind and his is already feeble to begin with. I told my brother as the days get longer and he gets busier (farming) he will be there less. He said "well why don't you come and stay with him!" I said I can't I haven't felt very good. He said "well what's wrong with you?" I got very upset and ask him "how he would feel if he had lost a child?" I said "you have no ideal what that's like cause you have never lost any of your children (5!)" He says well "I guess I don't know" and "I said you never will understand how I feel until you do!!" I left in tears and cried all the way home. I am still upset! Should I want to go back to an already depressing situation because my brother doesn't want to spend Dads money on his care? It's very hard to see your parents dwindle away in front of you.. But losing my parents cannot remotely compare to the loss of my child, my only son...I just am not able right now to go back in the same capacity as I did. I am trying! Am I wrong to feel this way? I would appreciate some input from people that have experienced what I have...Thanks for listening!

Comment by Rita on February 21, 2017 at 11:29pm

I haven't posted anything in a while but I come here to read stories about the losses we (mostly) Mothers are going through. Looking for answers and knowing in my heart there are none...My Jesse was 38 days away from being 38 years old. Why do we have to go through such heartache and unbearable pain??? Is it punishment for some transgression we committed??? Why? Why? Why? I can't hardly stand the pain! I am so ready to die....Matter of fact I welcome it, anything to take this unbearable heartache and pain away...Nothing can mend my broken heart!!!

Comment by Jill E on February 20, 2017 at 12:14pm

Thank you all for sharing. It helps me so much that I am not alone. That there others that understand me when I don't understand myself. WYWH My Joshie

Comment by Patty on February 20, 2017 at 10:48am

Thank you for sharing that, Teresa.  

Comment by Teresa D. on February 20, 2017 at 9:13am

I'm 4 1/2 years in and still crying daily.  I hate this, some days I feel like I'm making progress and some days I feel stuck back on day one.  I learned there's nowhere I can go to escape it so I have to embrace it.  How do you do that? I have no clue. 

Comment by Teresa D. on February 20, 2017 at 9:10am

Patty your not doing anything wrong. We always think others are doing better than ourselves, but NO! We all just have to find our own way.  I agree with Ammy I never want all of it to go away.  If I have to feel my Michael through my tears than I'm okay with crying forever. This is the new normal me.

I went to a family dinner with my sisters, brother and nieces and nephews.  My daughter decided at the start of dinner to ask everyone to tell their fondest memory of my Michael. By the time the second person started to talk I had to stop them.  I couldn't eat, the tears were streaming and I discovered I wasn't ready for that.  I want to hear the stories and laugh like everyone else, just can't find the laughter right now.

Comment by Patty on February 19, 2017 at 11:31am

It's been 6 years and 6 months for me.  For me, it is not getting better.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Comment by Ammy on February 18, 2017 at 4:10pm

Hello everyone,
I don't get on the computer very much anymore.  It's old and slow.  But I do think of you all and pray for you daily.
I am not boasting.  There is nothing to boast about on this journey, but I'm saying this to give hope to those that feel hopeless.  I am six years and seven months into this journey.  I have to say that I am doing better.  The pain is not as harsh all the time.  It hasn't gone away, it's just different. There are still tearful days, but not every day.  I'm slowly moving forward; one breath, one step, one day at a time.  It may not seem like much to others, but it's better than nothing at all.  I take each day as it comes because I find it easier. 
I honestly would never want it to be completely gone.  I don't know how to explain it, but it has become a part of me that I embrace.
You may not think it, but you are all strong; even in your weakness.  Never give up being you.  Don't worry about what others think.  Just because we are grieving parents it doesn't mean we have something wrong with us.  It means we miss and love our child who is no longer here with us.  Our reality is forever changed.  We all need to grieve at our own pace and find our own way because it's a lifetime thing.
You are all in my heart and I send you my love.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 17, 2017 at 8:57am

Dolly, Jill sometimes I think it's they don't know what to say so they say nothing. They think talking about them will make us sad without knowing it's the lack of talking about them that makes us sad.

Connie I'm sorry you sat alone but know I was crying right along with you.

Sandy Congratulations on the new grandson.  I know nothing takes the place of our children but hopefully he can bring you some joy.

Lynn thank you.

Dick I know this has been hard for you but it's nice seeing you pop in.  As sad as it is you prepare me for the future.  I know not to expect to much.  That's the nice thing about those a head of you, they don't lie to you or try to make you expect more.  Dick believe it or not you make me feel normal.

I love you all!

Comment by Connie K on February 15, 2017 at 11:12am

Hello everyone
I am traveling to see my mom for her 87th birthday. Whenever I leave home I have such anxiety and relief all at once. Valentine a day really created that wave again. I sat alone in that stupid hotel restaurant with tears streaming down my face. 4 years and still seems like yesterday.
YOu all are always in my heart and I know we lol have to muddle through the best we can. I wish I were better at it. GEtting ready to board and put in that mask for 10 days. So hard.....
Love and prayers to you all ((( )))

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