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Comment by Connie K on March 15, 2017 at 6:56pm

Thanks Patty and Rita. I know you all understand, I am sorry to say

Comment by Rita on March 15, 2017 at 6:44pm

Connie and Patty I think a lot of us are on the same path as you....don't care and don't take care of ourselves and don't want to... Jesse was not my only child but he was my only son. Birthday months are so hard that's when you REALLY wished you weren't here. The pain is almost unbearable. I have went through Jesse's birthday and it was so very painful and heartbreaking...I dread his death date.

I know what both of you and many of the Mothers on this site are going through. A lot of us are struggling to get up everyday and face another day of living without our child.....Hugs and more hugs to you....

Comment by Rita on March 15, 2017 at 6:44pm

Connie and Patty I think a lot of us are on the same path as you....don't care and don't take care of ourselves and don't want to... Jesse was not my only child but he was my only son. Birthday months are so hard that's when you REALLY wished you weren't here. The pain is almost unbearable. I have went through Jesse's birthday and it was so very painful and heartbreaking...I dread his death date.

I know what both of you and many of the Mothers on this site are going through. A lot of us are struggling to get up everyday and face another day of living without our child.....Hugs and more hugs to you....

Comment by Patty on March 15, 2017 at 2:11pm

Connie, everything you said is true for me.  Caitlin's 27th birthday is next month.  She was taken from us on 8/9/10.  My body remembers being pregnant.  Every night when I went to bed Caitlin would kick way up high on my right side.  I can still feel that.  I feel guilty for not respecting my life as well.  I don't take care of myself.  I did before but I just don't care enough anymore.  It bothers me, as well, that there is nothing that I want to do in life.  I can't think of one thing that I am looking forward to.  Not one.  That really bothers me.  It seems so not right.  I'm so sick of pretending that everything is okay.  People tell me that I'm strong too.  It's all pretend.  Most days I just wish I could die.  If given the option that is what I would choose.  I do feel guilty thinking that because I know how hard it would be on my husband but I really just want to be with Caitlin again and with God. Sometimes I wonder if God doesn't want me anymore because I don't respect my life.  I hope he understands why I don't.  I feel like I've had a brain injury or something because I'm so different than before and not in a good way obviously.  I think different, I can't remember things, I cry all the time, I act different etc.  Being here is so awful to me.  I'm sick of just surviving and nothing more.  I wish I had some days when I felt like I'm not drowning but I don't.  Caitlin and I were inseparable.  She called me her best friend.  Living here without her is torture to me.  Thank you for being so honest.  It gave me permission to vomit all this anger and sorrow up.  I will be praying for you and a positive result on your tests.  Love to all.  

Comment by Connie K on March 15, 2017 at 1:46pm

It's my son's birthday month. He would have been 22 on March 31st. This last few weeks  I have bio-memories. I feel like my body remembers being pregnant, waiting to give birth. I think we store that memory deep in our being, in our body. I really just want to be alone and in a corner some where. I feel I can not express this feeling to anyone - except here. Does anyone else have this experience? As a mother this child is literally a part of us and the birth experience is indescribably beautiful, awesome, miraculous. Their death is the exact opposite. These are the days when I can hardly breath, hardly move, not want to live. I feel something is wrong with me that I cannot deal with my grief. I cannot think of anything I want to do in life. It seems like I feel nothing but pain. I also feel guilt that I cannot give those people who are here and who love me, the love back that they deserve. And wearing the mask is so hard that I feel like I'm getting sick. I try to do things to make my son proud, but I know I fall short. I hate myself for being weak and I wallow in regret. I hate all of this. How do we deal with this and still be healthy? I am a breast cancer survivor of 11 years. I never thought for a moment that the cancer would take me because I had my son to raise. I fought it, I beat it. But now I am scared it has come back in my ovaries. I am awaiting results of my first test and am going  crazy waiting. This time I don't think I can beat it if it's even true. Part of me wants to die and be with my son. Part of me would never want to put my husband through that and leave him alone since Daniel was our only. Why is life so damn hard? Why am I still here? Will I ever learn the lessons i am supposed to?

I am scared and angry and broken. Everyone says I'm doing great and am strong. But I feel like a liar. Because I do not take care of myself, I don't respect my own life. I want to be grateful for what I do have and for having had my son for the time I did but have a hard time saying it because at the same time my heart feels like it will explode.

There have been times that I feel I am doing better and we all know those waves come and go but today I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like a failure at everything.

I just needed to vent, to say the truth to somebody. Thank you all for being here

Comment by Ammy on March 15, 2017 at 1:14pm

Rita, I love this picture of your beautiful son.

I know what you mean about wishing for a do over, but logically we know it can't be so.

I also have been feeling an overwhelming need to feel my son (a Hug).  I have to close my eyes and go to a memory where I can remember hugging him.  I totally concentrate on how it felt and I can feel it again.  

I'm sorry for you and for all of us, that we daily have to gather our strength to walk through another day without our child being physically with us.  

With love, I hold you all close in my heart and prayers.

Comment by Rita on March 14, 2017 at 9:32pm

I haven't dreamed about my son till recently and I had one dream It has haunted me ever since and if I think about it too long I cry. I dreamed I was hugging him and begging him not to drive or go anywhere that night. Like most dreams I then woke up but I have thought about it so much.. Oh how I wished I had July 5th back for a do over. I would hold him close and not let him go.....

Comment by Teresa D. on March 6, 2017 at 5:59am

Rita, thank you for sharing that.  It is so right.

Comment by Ammy on March 4, 2017 at 11:58am

Rita, this is an excellent theory.  I remember reading this a few years ago, and I will have to agree with the writer that the waves are not always 100 ft. high for me now.
I pray you all find them getting lower when it's your time.
Have a blessed & calm weekend everyone.

Comment by Rita on March 3, 2017 at 12:09pm

This is true about grief.....

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