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Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 8, 2015 at 5:46pm

Ammy, it has been 31 months for me since my son, Jesse transitioned. There were times, a lot of times, where I just needed to be by myself because I felt like I was literally going to explode from the grief...I live in the country so I could yell all I want without the neighbors calling in...

I agree with Connie, there is no "time" here. Only what was, and what is now. My days are divided mostly by the light of day, and the dark of night....following a calendar is almost impossible.

I am putting a link in this post to Carol Kearns who is a grief counselor. Before that, she was just a mom who lost her daughter. She was trained as a counselor under Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and I have found her writings to be somewhat helpful. Hugs.

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

Comment by Connie K on June 8, 2015 at 5:08pm

Ammy - our subconscious mind is not linear. There is no "time" there. I find that when the really traumatic memories rise to the surface (often after talking a lot about it), it simply doesn't matter how much time has passed. We do learn to manage the pain better with time but sometimes, the pain wins for a while. I will go a month sometimes and feel like I am doing ok then trip and fall and can't see anything in the darkness until I deal with those awful emotions again. Since I am still not working full time, I have a lot of time at home and need some distraction and think it's really good to plan some time away. Altho I really don't ever WANT to do anything - I also don't want to stay here all the time. We have found that even little day jaunts, helps. We are fortunate to live in So Cal where a hour or 2 can get you to the beach, the mountains or the dessert. A change of scenery is good. We have tried to go to places we have never been before. Partially because it hurts so much to go to places we always were with our son.

Right now I am also in a downward spiral and am having a very hard time getting back into a healthier routine. I know that will help me feel better if I can just exercise regularly again.  So recently, I have made a huge leap of faith and signed up for a retreat that's in two weeks up near the Sequoias. I am super anxious, scared and it will take a great deal of energy just to put myself in this situation. It is a song writing retreat. I started a song for my son a few months after he passed and never finished it. Lately it keeps coming into my mind, over and over. I hear messages to finish the song. then i saw this retreat. They will also be doing yoga everyday, all the music classes, hiking, art classes and hot springs into a large pool. Or you can just use the time to BE. I need that so much. I feel such a heavy load of trying to keep up with all the little "normal" things we have to do to get through the day and act normal for my husband and friends. I need time to focus and sort feelings out like what the hell I'm going to do for the rest of my life! I feel guilty for leaving for a whole week and leaving my husband on Father's Day but the message was so strong I finally said OKAY! My husband is cool with it. I only hope it helps get me out of my deep depression and I will come home with a completed and recorded song for my sweet boy. That is all that matters to me right now. I believe he will be there helping me with every note. I believe spirit has called me to do this. Dear Lord, I have to camp for a week! I'm not a camper. I am praying for some relief of this constant sorrow....I feel I connect with my son through music. I need to find a way to love playing music again. Even that has been difficult for me.  But I proud of myself for finally stepping up and challenging myself to create something again in my life. I think we all need that - some creative expression through what ever it is that gives you some peace. I find gardening is a great way to meditate, create beauty and tire myself out also.

Hugs to you Ammy and everyone. (Screaming is helpful too - just go somewhere they won't call the police!! Screaming at the pounding ocean surf worked for me last time.)

Comment by Ammy on June 8, 2015 at 12:47pm

The subconscious mind stores information that the conscious mind may not immediately process with full understanding, but it stores the information for later retrieval when ”recalled” by the conscious mind.

Had to look that up today because I couldn't understand why I am in such a downward spiral.  I made up my mind not to let this year bother me as in the past.  I am learning to live this life and have accepted it for the most part.  Have kinder days which I am so grateful for, but the last couple of days I feel myself sinking back into that black hole.  Finally decided that it must be that my subconscious is stronger than my conscious mind and not as that definition states.  My conscious mind is not trying to recall.  

Yes, I am a little off if that is what you are thinking.  I feel it.  I want to be by myself until Sunday is past, but I don't know how I can do that.  Where could I go?  Has anyone ever gone away alone to be by yourself since your loss?  If so, where did you go and was it helpful?

SCREAM!  Yes, I want to scream and yet I know once his birthday  passes I will get back on track.  I need to focus on that and on today but my mind isn't cooperating.  

Comment by Connie K on June 8, 2015 at 11:56am

Beautiful - thank you Vasanthi. I hope you are doing okay during your move. Hugs to everyone. I feel the same - crushed, stuck, devastated. We have to keep our hearts open to the love...

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 8, 2015 at 11:29am

just wanted to send love to all here ..... hold the love u have firm in your hearts, that will get us all through.<3

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 8, 2015 at 11:28am

And is not time even as love is, undivided and spaceless?

Comment by Rj on June 7, 2015 at 7:00pm

I feel so much like you Eva, the part Of feeling so disconnected from life in general, with people. Although i have a supported family a decent job and i still feelthis way. Omg i cant even imagine the extra burdens you are carrying, losing your daughter is enough to deal with. Like you, i am not participating, just existing. I have actually been thinking of quittng my job, cashing in my retirement. I dont care if i no longer have health benefits because i have already decided if i am diagnosed with something i will do nothing to help or prolong an illness with treatment. Secretly i sm hoping for just that. This is not living...

Comment by Eva Van on June 7, 2015 at 6:48pm

It has been just over 14 months since I lost her...it will be her birthday in 3 weeks. There is but one difference in my grief since her passing. I no longer she'd a tear everyday. I cannot function anymore. I buried my daughter, my mother blames me and has disowned me, I lost my job, and the man who used to lie next to me because he did not understand my grief... in his opinion I was to just get over it. I thought I hid it well but I've come to understand it is tangible through a facade...it is because my soul has changed...the very core of me. I cannot hide my disdain for life...I cannot hide that I no longer care.They are perceived in me. I have silently withdrawn from participating in my life because it is of no value to me...I just cannot bear the pain...I don't want to. It just worsens...this terrible snowball effect...why can't I just...get...over...it !!

Comment by Jill E on June 7, 2015 at 5:51pm

I posted this today on FB. I am trying in a subtle way to get through to my daughter-in-law. It will not work though. She will still be unkind, hurtful and still won't talk to me. I have apologized to her so many times for just basically being s grieving mother just so she would speak to me again. I need to stop thinking about how mean she is being to me. Josh loved her deeply. Maybe she feels guilty, but shutting me out is horrible. I am just a grieving mother.

FB post:
A grieving mother, spouse, sibling or friend cannot be compared. They are different. Different intensities, different reactions, different feelings. None are right, none are wrong. We have to accept it for what it is...pain, loss, heartbreak...what could have been, what should have been. I have no answers but grieve everyday of my life and always will. I can't imagine it getting better, to me it never will go away, others their lives go on...no judgement just acceptance for their way to grieve is different than mine. Respect each other.
WYWH Josh
You are with me everyday, everywhere. My love for you is limitless and has no boundaries.
Your Mommas

Comment by Rj on June 7, 2015 at 5:24pm

I feel my fuse is so short these days...i have no patience for life especially myself.

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