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Comment by Evelyn J. Rios on December 29, 2011 at 2:31am

My younger brother Manni just passed away from esphogael cancer at 47. He leaves behind a college age son and a 5 yr old along with his courageous wife Debbie who fought like a trooper alongside him. I am 49. I lost my precious mom to acute mylogenous leukemia in '03 when she was 60. Our dad died of liver failure at 59 in '99 and three weeks later my mom's mother died at 74 of open heart surgery complications. I feel like a husk, all dried up and used up inside but I somehow have to pull myself together for my brother's funeral. I thank God I asked my Doc for xanax yesterday in preparation. I am just praying my lupus, ankylosing spondylitis, vasculitis and multiple sclerosis don't flare in reaction. I am praying for everyone here who has also lost loved ones. Know that they are in peace with God and Jesus in paradise. The hell cancer puts people through HAS to pre-qualify you for Heaven IMHO. Luv in Christ Jesus, Evelyn

Comment by mercy on December 28, 2011 at 12:53pm

Sara I can totally relate. I feel like there was something more I could have done for my mom. We had three treatment options and the one I chose may have been worse than the other two. I’ll always beat myself up for this. I was also not well informed about the cancer cause I was too scared to read up on it for fear of what I would find out. I was afraid that I that if I read too much; I would find out things that I couldn’t handle, like the life expectancy, the different stages and the pain and discomfort she was going to experience. I regret why I didn’t find out as much as I could. Not knowing what if anything we could have done to help her more eats me up inside every minute of the day. My siblings have accepted her death and are moving on well but I just can’t seem to move past the what ifs? I have acid reflux, which my mom had too and which eventually caused esophageal cancer and I’m too scared to go get checked even though I’ve been having bad symptoms lately. I feel that if my mom didn’t get the treatment she deserved and she suffered so badly, I should suffer ten times more than she did. I hate cancer, we are all suffering so much because of this evil disease. You all are in my thoughts and every one of your posts breaks my heart. I've been crying for the last fifteen minutes just reading the latest posts

Comment by sara kephart on December 28, 2011 at 11:58am

thank u cristina yes cancer is horrible and takes the lifes of innocent people who deserve to live..my dad had sclc he got it from vietnam asian orange was the cause..he fought for a yr nd a half and he fought hard he was the strongest man i ever knew and to see him weak and dieing and losing weight throwing up not eating sleeping alot i mean it was a rolelr coaster i didnt knw id ride for almost 2yrs..i miss him so much and wish everyday i cud of done more it kills me knowing i couldnt help him

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Dolnick on December 28, 2011 at 11:49am

CANCER SUCKS

 

Comment by Cristina Garcia on December 28, 2011 at 11:47am

Sara, I completely understand how you are feeling. This is my 2nd Christmas without my mom. She lost her battle with ovarian cancer on 8-31-2010 at the age of 75. My dad passed away on 7-4-92 from a rare disease at 59. Cancer is a horrible disease. I watched my mom fight it for 3 yrs with everything she had in her. She did not want to die either. She thought she could fight it but it was so much stronger than her will to live. I keep thinking we didn't do enough for her either. She had a 3 teams of doctors: the oncologist, pulmonary specialist, and an internal specialist. Juggling between them was a full time job. Luckily one of my sisters was good about keeping up with it all. She learned how to give mom the shots she needed, we had a chart to keep up with all the meds, and between all my siblings, we took care of her the way she cared for us. Mom always felt guilty and burdensome about all we were having to do for her. That was never a problem for us. We had to keep reassuring her that was the least of our worries, we wanted her to be as comfortable as possible. The last few days of her life, one of my sisters and I, separately and without knowing, had a conversation with mom. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes but of leaving her children. Granted all her children are over 40 and she was still worried about us. I reassured her we would be fine. She and dad did an awesome job raising 8 kids. I thanked her for all the sacrifices they made for us and then I told her it was okay if she wanted to let go. I told her we would be okay. It was harder to keep seeing her suffer, asking for morphine constantly. It's been 16 months since she's been gone and not a day goes by that I don't think about her or dad. I felt guilty about telling her it was okay to let go but one of my dear friends told me that was probably what she needed to hear. I had no idea my sister did the same thing. She needed reassurance to finally rest her weary and tired body. She died in her sleep. I was with her for most of the night and at some point she told me to go to bed because I needed to sleep to go to work later that morning. A few hours later she was gone. I miss her so much. I feel so alone, abandoned, and orphaned which seems silly at my age. She loved Christmas and New Years. Christmas was hard enough. Hoping New Years comes and goes quickly.

Sara, I'm sorry for your loss. I shared my story in hopes of letting you know that we all do whatever we can for our loved ones, yet it never seems like enough. We will never know why our loved ones had to get cancer but what we do know is that we loved them and cherished them while they were here on earth. I have to keep my faith and believe that there is a heaven and mom has reached her eternal glory along with dad. I'm sure your dad is looking down from above, stronger than ever. Praying for you. Rest assured you did what you could and your dad appreciates how well you cared for him. He will always be with you, in your heart and in your memories. You are his living legacy. Make him proud and live your life. I'm trying to do just that even though some days are harder than others but eventually it will be better. 

Wishing you a blessed New Year's. Take care.

Comment by sara kephart on December 28, 2011 at 10:17am

it breaks my heart hearing all these stories knowing someone precious lost their life to such a tragic disease:(cancer is horrible watching my dad literally die in front of me was enough to scar me for life..i was with him everyday till his last and somehow i still feel i could of done more..maybe i didnt try enough meds,or maybe we didnt prop his head right when he slept,maybe we didnt find all the answers out in time:(in a way i feel i am responsible because my dad didnt wanna die from this he wanted to beat it and i didnt do enough

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on December 27, 2011 at 10:24am

Dear Mary Elizabeth -

You have certainly had more than your share of loss.  I think your son would not be disappointed in you; I think he would understand and feel for you.  Cancer is a terrible, ugly disease that takes advantage of a weak spot in the body and grows from there.  I think - and this is just my belief - that your son is with his grandmother and his uncle, and they are all watching over you.  He is not alone. When someone dies, it is the living who are left behind to grieve and we do suffer.  There is no way around it.  

I read a wonderful book called "Crowded Rooms" about accounts given by caregivers when they witnessed someone's last days or moments as they died.  It was very good - they talked about a lot of the things I witnessed when Don died - seeing something no one else could see, reaching up towards something or someone only he could see.  I believe his mom was waiting for him and came to help him make the transition to another plane of reality.  I'm so sorry about your losses; but especially your son.  I cannot imagine the depth of pain of losing a child.  Good luck; hang in there. 

Comment by Mary Elizabeth Dolnick on December 27, 2011 at 9:26am

I lost my mom and brother to cancer a fews years ago and then this past Aug I lost my beloved sone to brain cancer.....he suffered for three years and put up such a fight but in the end the cancer won.....I am so proud of him but miss him dearly and want him back,,,,some days I can't even get out of bed...I know he would be dissapointed in me because he was so strong and would get mad if he caught me crying....now crying takes up most of my day...

Comment by michael sandoval on December 26, 2011 at 8:16pm

Dear Barbara,

i am so sorry you still ache.  I still ache too.  I still cry.  and i try to understand why a loving and merciful God would take our loved ones from us.  it is very painful.  All i can really say is that we all belong to God.  everyone of us is His.  and when he wants one of us to go be with Him, it is very painful for the rest of us.  But he can take us whenever He wants to.  Denise somehow understood this better than me.  She made peace with the Lord and asked Him to forgive her.  She was an amazing person.

remember that God loves us all.  and i love you too

Mike

Comment by Barbra Ingrassia Fairman on December 26, 2011 at 6:16pm

It was 2 yrs ago today that my families nightmare began...ended in 3 months. How does this happen, how can everything be fine one day and just go so wrong. If there is a god I still believe he made a terrible mistake taking my brother, leaving his family aching for him. I still cry and I still remain so angry. If I could tell Cancer something, than I would wish it a horrible year. Hope you don't get to kill anyone in 2012.

 

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