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Comment by Barbara Sutton on January 26, 2012 at 12:56am

Sat thinking today. It dawned on me that after 15 years of pure love, joy, fun, adventure, and loving the most important man and best friend of my life isn't coming home is he. No matter how many times I walk in to the bedroom at night and beg him to come home with panic in my cry, he's just not coming home. Before my man died in April, we got married finally. February 5, 2011 to be exact. That day of our final committment to each other is fastly approaching and I am beside myself knowing that I was only his wife for 2 months. I know that the prior 15 years we were together were no different than being married with the exception that I took his name, I am just so sorry that we didn't do it sooner. I know I can't go back and we both agreed, and I must say that the tears in his eyes when I said "I do" was the most beautiful moment in my life next to giving birth do my daughter. I count myself as blessed at this moment for having had such unconditional love in my life. I miss his warm feet when I crawl in to bed, my only saving grace is my 2 dogs, the snoring of the beagle is soothing... crazy how things like that comfort the moment.

Tonight my daughter was asking my 13 month old grandson where is gramma, he pointed at me, then she continued by asking where everyone else in the house was, last but not least she said "where's pappa?"  He looked up, then looked around, then he pointed to the ceiling. My 31 year old nephew, my daughter and I all looked at each other and there was not a dry eye for a good 5 minutes. All I could do was say, thank God I was blessed with a grandchild.

Good night to you all, I hope my event of today has brought some comfort to you that choose to read this. God Bless.....

Comment by Melissa Broome on January 25, 2012 at 9:59pm

Hugs Ron, I'm so sorry :(

Comment by Melissa Broome on January 25, 2012 at 9:58pm

my mom didn't smoke a day in her life. Her colon cancer spread to every organ in her body. Metastasized in her lungs. it was horrible for her she was on oxygen so she could breathe but it was slowly killing her because she couldn't breathe deep enough to get it back out again. Cancer sucks. I truly hate it! I so do not want to go like she did. 

Comment by Ron on January 25, 2012 at 8:10pm

When my wife was told that she had bladder cancer we asked what caused it .The doctor looked at us and said  without hesitation.SMOKING My wife quit smoking about ten years ago. She died Dec 16th after fighting it for a little over a year.It is hard to go through. watching your wife die and their is nothing that you can do to stop it.You feel so helpless. All you do is hold each other every day go tothe chemo treatment .Watch her lose  her hair and see the pain in her eyes while she tries to hide it from you.Cry when you hope she can't see you. and cry harder when she catches you crying.Oh my God i miss my love.

Comment by Lorraine on January 25, 2012 at 7:58pm

yes, reality is that if you have lungs you can get lung cancer. It is the number one adult cancer killer and one of the most underfunded of cancers for research and other funding, even though studies have proven that early detection through low dose cat scans give a 75% chance of survival as opposed to around 15%... so sad. any time we lose someone to cancer it is sad, and to have people treat others as if they deserve their disease is tragic.  My son suffered the guilt of his smoking addiction as well as the pain of being diagnosed with late stage cancer at such a young age. I am sorry for your loss, K.T., this disease is brutal.

Comment by K.T on January 25, 2012 at 7:07pm

I know what you mean about smoking Lorraine. My Mum smoked cigarettes and she was always told off about it, not be myself as I knew it was her method of coping with stress but by everyone else. When she did get cancer, it was everywhere but her lungs.. go figure! ... Her lungs were completely clear.

It was people's attitude towards her that made me angry when I said she had cancer/died from cancer.. "ahh well she did smoke" or "that's for smoking", as if she somehow deserved the horrible way in which she died for a habit a whole lot of people have! When I pointed out that actually her lungs were not where the problem started people would look at me unbelieving.... People are so insensitive!

Comment by Lorraine on January 25, 2012 at 6:55pm

I think it is normal as well.  My son Silas was only 29 when he lost his life after a courageous kick ass battle with lung cancer. Some people were insensitive to ask whether he smoked even though his lungs were only 29 years old.  Two different oncologists made it clear that smoking was not the cause of my son's cancer. But even if it was, does that make him a less worthy person? Of course not. People are strange.  I am an advocate for passing medical marijuana laws in MA and have had articles in the newspaper at various times.  One time there was this older guy who wouldn't talk on the phone, just wanted to talk in person. Okay, I thought, I will meet this guy. So I did, and he was in his 70's, had lung cancer and lived over 5 years with it, highly unusual for late stage lung cancer.  He didn't want to talk about medical marijuana, rather, he wanted to talk about assisted suicide and how he didn't want to end up a "heap of flesh" in a nursing home with 18 year olds taking care of him.  So I couldn't help myself, I felt like Sy was channeling through me as I said, "well, the 18 year olds don't sound too bad..."  I was furious that this man who didn't enjoy life one little bit and whined about his life was here and my son who fought tooth and nail for every minute to be here died.  It still makes me mad to think about it.  I also wish I could have taken my son's place and gone for him; I have lived my life fully, and he was just getting started...

Comment by K.T on January 25, 2012 at 2:56pm

Thanks for the support guys - I know what you mean about how screaming can release pent up feelings and how it's good to let it out. Last night however it did not feel good, I've been a mess all day (even crying at work!) I feel somewhat better now - partly to your kind and understanding comments :) but Cynthia I totally know what you mean about grief being an "entity all unto itself; and it just does what it wants to do whenever it wants to do it." So for now I feel a bit better, but I will be waiting in suspense for the next attack!

Love to you all - I'm grateful for all your support in my darkest hours.

Comment by Sue Waxman on January 25, 2012 at 2:30pm

Go ahead and scream and cry. It releases endorphines that are healing. I don't scream and cry anymore I wake up with a gigantic stabbing in my heart and cry! I miss my mother so much. It seems forever since I held her little hand. It never gets easier we just learn to adjust to what has to be. I promise you we are the ones that now suffer...they are in a much more beautiful and peaceful place surrounded by only love. I am happy for them. No more putting up with the bull crap of every day earth.

Comment by Cynthia Horacek on January 25, 2012 at 11:29am

HI, K.T.  I think waking up screaming may mean that you are so angry that you have to let it out; but I'm just supposing.  Maybe you need to scream while you're awake?  I did a lot of screaming when Don died, and for months after.  I screamed at him in the shower, in the car - anywhere I knew no one would hear me.  I still call out in my sleep and wake myself up sometimes, crying out.  I still keep his little cap he wore at night - his head got cold - on his pillow.  It's been over a year, I'm doing better, I'm not having meltdowns (Well, I am, but about other things - I'm just much more sensitive and emotional now) about losing him, but he's still with me and I talk about him just as much as I did before he died.  I can't explain it.  But I do think that the things we dream about or act out in our sleep are things we need to process somehow, somewhere on some level.  So go ahead and scream!  You are not crazy, or nuts, or any of that.  You are a normal, grieving person.  I am sending you hugs to hold you when you need to scream. 

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