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Comment by Avi on July 6, 2018 at 11:51am

I am back to my hometown after 2 weeks and can memorize all the time when my mother was ill. 

It is so hard to believe that it was all destined.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 6, 2018 at 11:10am

Yes. What I wouldn't give to spend the day with my mom.

Comment by Virginia G on July 6, 2018 at 4:11am

Feeling scared, wish I knew my Mom is ok, wish I could talk to her and hug and kiss her, wish I had everyday

Comment by Theresa on July 5, 2018 at 5:27am

Virginia, God would never punish anyone.  My moms a perfect example of the saying "live everyday like its your last".  God can take us at anytime anywhere at any age.  

When we are in despair we tend to blame ourselves for things we did or didn't do. Its hard but we have to remember the good things in our lives with our mom, try to anyway I guess...

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 4, 2018 at 12:58pm

Virginia, I just can't believe that God is punishing you. He wouldn't have to. You are doing a good enough job punishing yourself. I can understand why friends get frustrated with us. If we are bound and determined to punish ourselves, that's just what we are going to do. That's a road that we choose to walk alone. I am more bothered by 'friends' who cannot understand the pain we feel after losing the person that we love the most. The person who carried us in her womb for nine months. That they should understand, but no one is going to get on board with seeing a grieving person punish themselves for something that they had no control over. You believe that you had more control than you actually did. Just look at how many people die each day from a heart attack. Just imagine how many people say, "If only I had made him go to the doctor..." 

I feel like mom and I made a lot of right choices. She was very sick for 12 years. I still lost her. There comes a point when the body shuts down. I'm just not sure what more you could have done. There are people in this world who should feel very guilty. That's one of the reasons why Hospice assigns a social worker to each patient. There are dying people who were neglected. That boggles my mind. 

I think that you were in the same boat that many of us were. We sit in the waiting room at the hospital or at home and try to come up with ideas that may save our moms. We can't do it. And often times neither can the doctor. They know when the fights over. We do not. There was too much at stake. Too much to lose.

Comment by Avi on July 4, 2018 at 8:31am

Virginia, problem with cancer is that it is a group of diseases and you are not sure which part of it will affect the patient. So if you would have done 1 thing right then you will do other things wrong. I also have lot of guilt related to my mother's treatment and I will be living with it through life. The belief that I will meet my mother someday and say Mom I am sorry, I did not take care of you properly.

Your mother has already forgiven you, so now plz forgive yrself.

Comment by Theresa on July 4, 2018 at 5:30am

Avi I couldn't say it any better or truthfully than Brett.

Happy 4th of July, God Bless everyone!

Bluebell I hope you are healing.

Comment by Virginia G on July 4, 2018 at 3:43am

Thank you Brett.  Talking about the guilt, mine is so real because I did more things wrong than right.  Others don’t understand and I tell them, “you weren’t there.”  Cancer is so huge, especially rare types, and everything possible needs to be done to give the best chances.  I failed in all ways and how can someone live with that?  I shouldn’t even be here, why am I here?  To be punished with the pain maybe.

On another note, some people don’t understand my behavior, my depression and get so frustrated they are angry.  Not sure what to do about it.  Guess I’m not treating them right but dont know if I can.

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 4, 2018 at 1:54am

Avi, deep down we all know that we are punishing ourselves. And I believe that there is a part of us that just wants to smack us and say, "Snap out of it!!" It's not that easy though, but maybe we should all take baby stesps and say,"This can be a good day if I allow it to be." We have to try to be happy again, I think you are doing very well, better than I was at  the same point.

I miss you, Virginia. I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Comment by Avi on July 4, 2018 at 1:06am

Yesterday night I had a very unusual experience. At late night I observed that somebody is shouting on me like "is this way to live" but when I came in senses I realized that it was a bad dream. But when it was happening, it seem to be real. Not sure what it was but it was more of concern rather than scolding as I am not taking care of me these days. So most probably my mother want that I should take care of me. 

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