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Comment by katrina on March 28, 2011 at 5:03pm

I don't trust my family either.  While my mom was on the vent, my sister-in-law one of her DPOAs screamed are you suffering, do you want me to take you off this. She just wouldn't shut up until she convinced all the dpoas to take my mom off everthing.  There wasn't anything I could do.  I am sure sorry for what you went throught at the hospital.  Thats awful to bring guns into the hospital, and for someone to try and attack you.  My mom worked at the same hsopital. she died at.  She worked with her case manager before she retired,I know they did give her good care. Talking about disrespect, my family was very disrespectful to me.  Very hurtful. Only seen them 1 time since the funeral. Hang in there Reese.  Hope you are well.

Comment by katrina on March 25, 2011 at 9:06am

I know how you feel.  I talked to my mom all the time, espically when I had a crisis, or just to talk about nothing.  I am glad you and your family can work things out. My mom had a trailer it was in my brothers name, yesterday I received a paper from an attornety.  Stating he owned the property and a court date if i wanted to dispute it.  Didn't see that one coming.  I am not going to dispute it, his name on title. I am glad you were not hurt. I have had  a few drinks myself. Normally I don't drink.  Hang in there, If it can't get worse, it has to get better.

Comment by Nancy Eve on March 25, 2011 at 5:37am

I am so sorry for your experiences.  How awful to have to deal with all that, and the horrible death of your mom at the same time.  I am so fortunate that my family has always worked together in everything.  They worked together when my grandmother died, and they worked together when my mom died.  Each time one person was responsible for making all decisions, and no one questioned it.  I was the one to make all medical decisions for my mom, and I knew exactly what to do because we had discussed it many times.  As hard as it was, I would never go against her wishes.  I'm so grateful that I didn't have to fight anyone to keep the promises I made to my mom.  On another topic, I was in a car accident yesterday.  I didn't get hurt, but it really made me miss my mom.  It's the kind of thing I'd go right to talk to her about.  Instead I did a stupid thing.  I went out and got drunk.  I know it wasn't very mature, but it made me miss mom a little less for a short while.

Comment by katrina on March 24, 2011 at 10:33pm

I know what you mean about family control Reese.  My sister-in-law only had a realtionship with my mom the last 5 months of her life, but managed to get my brother and her as Dpoa. My mom would have done anything to have a relationship with her son, since his 3rd marriage my brother and his wife had nothing to do with my mom. It was quite a shock when i found out in the hospital in ICU, about the Dpoa. The day after my moms funeral my sister-in-law sent me 3 nasty emails, letting me know everything she didn't like at the hospital and my moms funeral. I can assure her that my moms death and funeral had nothing to do with my sister-in-law. I am so gladIi don't have to put up with her control now.  Haven't seen her since the funeral, and do not plan too. You can review your life backward, but you can only live it forward. My prayers are with you.

Comment by Kate Haas on March 24, 2011 at 9:22pm

Sounds like we aLl have wonderful, supportive families. My grandmother never even made an appearance and there was very little communication from the rest. There was no ceremony or burial. My brother and I spread her ashes together when he came home for a visit but it was very informal. I think nissing out on that may have been a bad move.
Those experiences sounds absolutely awful. As if dealing with the loss isn't bad enough. I was so numb, I just let the few members of the family that made contact take anything of hers that's they wanted, which of course I regret today. I'm sorry you both had to go through that. You make me almost glad my family are indifferent and selfish!
Thanks for sharing. Hang in there.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 23, 2011 at 10:26pm

Hi Katrina,

I've found that one of the hardest decisions anybody has to make is to exercise their DPOA and allow a loved one to die. The grief in losing a loved one is sometimes amplified many times with the DPOA's decision.

 

I think few people understand the depth of sorrow someone experiences when they exercise that power, even though they know it was what their loved one would have wanted them to do.

Take Care,

Stan

 

Comment by katrina on March 23, 2011 at 10:20pm

My mom died on January 10, 2011.  She had COPD.  I took her to the hospital on a Tuesday and she quit breathing 2 times on friday, ended up on a vent.  Both my brothers and their wives were her DPOA.  They had her taken off everything on Saturday. There wasn't anything I could do to save her.  It was very hard to watch her slip away.  Haven't been around my family since the funeral. 

Comment by katrina on March 21, 2011 at 11:01pm

Grieving is a process that should not be denied or hurried.  The rituals of wakes, visitations, funerals, and memeorial services all help you move through the stages of grief over the death of someone you love. Allow yourself time to grieve in order to come to the point of healing after the loss.

Comment by Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. on March 21, 2011 at 9:03pm

Hi Kate,

Thank you for your kind words. I think you're on the right track.

Take Care,

Stan

Comment by Kate Haas on March 21, 2011 at 8:38pm

Thank you all so much for your responses. It took so much to open up and your replies made me feel like I am being heard.
Katrina, thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry for your loss too. Its so recent, I hope you have the courage to keep being so brave and acknowleding your feelings and reaching out for support.

Denise, you're obviously well versed on this subject and I really appreciate you sharing your wisdom and you kind words. As Im Sure you understand, I preach that same logic to myself daily but can't seem to find a way to really believe it. Hearing it from you helped. I hope with some work, I can think that way too.

Stan, your professional opinion is so valuable to me and I took every word to heart. I replayed it in my head all day and came up with a different idea, maybe even a revelation. Maybe I've been focusing too much on trying to battle the grief of losing my mom and have lost sight of the heart of the problem which is that I do now and have always felt responsible for her disease. I've always struggled with codependency issues and I think trying to get help with a grief group isn't the place for me to start. I've found an al-anon group specifically for adult children. Everything I read about it on the site today related to my situation very much. Its so hard to bring all this to the surface but now that I have, I'm going try my hardest to keep the momentum going and see where this takes me. Thanks fo r the refocus, I think that's just what I needed.

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