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Comment by Kristin Renee on August 2, 2013 at 3:25pm

I feel pressure to act normal all the time for the sake of others who are coping or "getting over it." Inside I'm screaming and wondering how the hell everyone is holding it together when I'm losing it. The best I can hope for is temporary distraction but it never lasts long and the horror floods back in. A friend of mine recently lost her mother too but her family is very religious so she hardly seems affected. Everyone grieves differently, I know, I guess I just don't understand and wish I was coping at least half as well. 

Comment by Danny on August 1, 2013 at 7:11pm

excellent comment Jeff.  But as you adjust to it do you think like what's the use of work anymore ? I mean who would applaud if you did well and who would support if things go wrong in the future ? Do you think a spouse does this well if they have not been through it ? sibling ?  i don't even tell any of my peers about all this as they don't know.

Comment by Jeff R on August 1, 2013 at 6:34pm

no, you never get over it; you just adjust to it.  I'm coming up on 6 months now since Mom passed and it's still an open wound for me.  I get some solace from making a few visits to the cemetery each month, and work is a good distraction, but I am nowhere near "over it".  If you have not been thru this, you just don't get it.  I have two colleagues at work who lost their parents and they feel the same way, experience the same things with their peers, i.e. "Mom/Dad was old, they passed, you should get over it".  Easy to say, hard to do.

Comment by Danny on August 1, 2013 at 5:38pm

Eliza is correct you never get over it.  The question remains how to go with this gap ? Can one go on ? It is easier to grieve also without the partner as many have said they do not get it.

Comment by Eliza on August 1, 2013 at 11:03am

Melisa, I understand how you're feeling. My grief counselor pointed out that (especially in Western society), we are taught to compartmentalize our grief into a specific, short amount of time. We get our designated 3-5 days off and then that's it! We're supposed to be "over it." What people who have not been through this fail to realize is that you rarely--if ever--get "over it." I think of grief as something we have to go through. I don't think I'll ever truly "get over" losing my mom. She was in my life for 36 years and meant a great deal to me--why would I suddenly be over losing her? Be gentle with yourself. Your grief is your right. And we all get what you're going through. Take care.

Comment by Eliza on August 1, 2013 at 11:00am

Thank you Kristen, Danny, everyone for sharing your experiences. When he sees me crying, he's simply at a loss--he gives me a hug and let's me cry, but I know he doesn't truly understand. And I get that--you don't get it unless/until you've gone through it. This is truly the most devastating, heart-wrenching, soul-searching time I've been through. I find that it is more helpful to come here and vent and talk to people who get it. But I am also remembering the "Griever's Bill of Rights"--you have a right to grieve for as long as you need to. You have a right to grieve in your own way.

It's been nearly 8 months since mom passed on from this world. It's getting easier, but I still have tough, down days. I guess we just have to work through them, let them happen.

Comment by Melisa C on August 1, 2013 at 8:22am

I value this place very much, because I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. If it wasn't because I can read what others go through, I wouldn't know that it's ok to feel this way after months that my Mom passed away, even when it seems the world keeps going without her just as it always did. For me it doesn't.

Comment by michael sandoval on July 31, 2013 at 6:37pm

thank you Nancy.

Comment by Emily on July 31, 2013 at 6:08pm

Cynthia Gee: While I admire you and others for seeking counseling like Kristen I need to talk/message those who lost a mom or a loved one, they are the ones who really understand me. I do hope you have a good counselor, I've had good ones and bad ones in the past.

Comment by Nancy L on July 31, 2013 at 2:57pm

We are not alone in our grief.  I am glad that there are places like this we can come and post or just read what others are going through so we know we are not alone. 

 

Michael, oh yes. I understand the feeling of someone else taking things that mean something more to you.  My mothers things are precious to me, not matter of the value.  Heck, I took one of her shirts, that I had bought her in the first place, that she wore all the time.  To me it is valuable momento. Someone else said to throw it away.  My brother accused me of wanting something to go sell on ebay...I was so angry.  There is no way I would give or sell anything from my mom.  When I am gone, my son will have to figure out what to do with it.  My son was very close to his grandmother, so it will probably be up to his 2 daughters to decide (the oldest is 3 and the baby is 2 weeks old).

THose two little girls keep me going.  They are the most amazing people, I just love to sit and watch them.  I do not spoil them at all (wink wink). 

 

We thought that my mom's wedding rings were stolen (or lost) too.  But some how they 'miraculously' showed up in some things my brother had.  He tried to take them too, but my oldest sister ended up with them.

I did finally did go through a couple of boxes of my mom's things.  It will be a slow process for me. 

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